European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 9, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Classical music tunes in for the Dave Barry i really did no to want to get into another fight a with the classical music people a while Back i wrote a column in which i was mildly critical of classical music on the grounds that it sucks and i hate it. Rather than respond to these arguments on their intellectual merits Many classical music fans responded. With snotty personal attacks in which they suggested that i am the kind of cultural Moron who sits around All Day watching to with a Beer in one hand and the Remote control in the other. This is a lie. Sometimes i have Beers in both hands forcing me to operate the Remote control with my feet. No seriously i happen to be a highly cultured individual i have been involved in tour groups that walked briskly past some of the worlds finest works of Art i personally own several hard cover books and have read the cat in the hat comes Back out loud at least 400 times. I am perfectly comfortable ordering food in a Swank French restaurant a Garcon ill have the beef in route. In Short i have culture out the wazoo. I just have never cared for classical music because i believe that the artistic themes it embodies Are not pre scented in a manner that is intellectually relevant for the modern listener take for example the following actual a retouched lyrics written by Lorenzo Daponte for the Mozart opera cosi fan Tutte literally Annie get your gun Che Sam Bianuc Cheve Titi Luciano Pavarotti a danger is loud and Clear. Che figure Che Mustacchi after carefully analysing these lyrics the objective critic is forced to arrive at one incontrovertible conclusion they Are written in a completely foreign language probably Spanish. You have to ask yourself. How in the world these opera people expected to reach a modern audience if they did no to even have the common Courtesy to write in English. Compare the seemingly deliberate impenetrability of their lyrics with the inviting clarity of the 1964 song Mammer Jammer in which Don and Dewey exploring the Complex Depths of human relationships state you got to do the Mammer Jammer if you want my love. Please do not misunderstand me i am not saying that people cannot enjoy opera. I am just saying that these people Are wrong. They also could be in big medical trouble. I base this statement on an Asso dated press article sent in by Many Alert readers concerning an alarming incident in Denmark involving an okapi which is a rare african mammal re cited to the Giraffe. The article states that this okapi a i am not making this quotation up a a died from stress apparently triggered by opera  the okapi was not actually attending an opera when this happened. It was in a zoo located 300 Yards from a Park where opera singers were rehearsing. A zoo spokesperson was quoted As saying that okapi a can be severely affected by unusual  so Here Are the essential facts 1. An okapi minding its own business was killed by opera music being Sung three football Fields away. 2. Okapi Are members of the mammal family. 3. Most human beings not counting Congress arc also members of the mammal family. When i consider these facts a disturbing question comes to my mind As in a sure it does yours what were three football Fields doing in Denmark another question is could opera in sufficient dosages also be fatal to human beings the Only Way to find out is to conduct a scientific Experiment in which we would take a group of Volunteer subjects a and As the person proposing this Experiment i am willing to courageously Volunteer that these subjects should be scientists from the tobacco Institute a _ strap them into chairs and blast opera at them 24 hours a Day until such time As they Are dead to ensure that this Experiment was scientifically valid wed also need what is known technically As a a a control this would be a second group of tobacco Institute scientists who would be strapped into chairs and blasted with some other kind of music. I am thinking Here of the Neil Diamond Christmas album. Once this Experiment had proved scientifically that opera music is fatal it would be time to think about requiring that some kind of surgeon general warning be prominently displayed on Luciano Pavarotti. Also wed have to study the effects of a secondhand opera Quot which is what you get when inconsiderate individuals hum opera music in a poorly ventilated office and. Suddenly their co workers drop like flies especially if their co workers happen to be okapi. Ultimately we May have to ban opera altogether along with a you can to take chances with the Public health a Ballet no rhyming poetry movies with subtitles and any kind of sculpture that does not accurately depict naked women. I realize that for taking this stand in a going to be harshly criticized by the so called a a cultured crowd. But i frankly cannot worry about that because i have the courage of my convictions. Also inspector Gadget is on. A. A Miami Herald a a Page 24 sunday october 9, 1994