European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 20, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Miss manners Judith Martin dear miss manners one result of the pus for male female sameness is the practice of Many newspapers of referring to a woman by her ,-after an introductory reference Mary Jones becomes simply  surnames historically have been passed along the male line this can turn out to be ridiculous As Well As crude. One comes across examples like Stockman gave birth to her baby Beard likes her Beauty makeover or Peterson feels her identity As a woman ".". / the reverse mix up can also occur when a Man Hap pens to have a  like Joyce or Rose. On Wayto avoid this neutering of the species is to use titles. Obviously the women s movement intended to Honor equal treatment arid Courtesy both by coming up with the designation  i Don t like it  looks and sounds like a linguistic mutant. Personally like you i choose miss a title that can connote a Lively professionalism even  Are living through a spasm of conflicts As to what innate sexual identity is. In the same printed document i have come across the designations mrs. Richard Smith chairperson and is. Helen White vice  gentle Reader before miss manners voices her agreement with your distaste for abandoning titles she feels obliged to Point out that you Are the cause of the problem of which this is an unfortunate solution. And you thought you and she were on the same Side two Nice misses together of maybe not you personally. But it is the habit you share with the rest of modern society of Analuz ing what ought to be a simple convention until it be comes a dangerous minefield which has cause newspapers and a lot of individuals simply to give up using Courtesy titles. By unilaterally vetoing the sensible solution of  and ignoring the conventional interpretation of miss you Are suggesting that your idiosyncratic references be forced on everyone. Nor is your claim historically accurate. Although revived by20th-Century feminists  has been around since at least the 17th Century As an abbreviation for the honorific mistress which applies to both married and unmarried ladies and from which both miss and  derive you would arouse fury among those who believe that miss conveys unglamorous spinster Hood my dad is a better mom than your dad. Those who prefer the traditional married form an those who do not want their marital status defined in a Way that is not done for gentlemen. That s a lot of angry  is precisely in order to avoid this tedious juror that Courtesy titles Are disappearing. And those who compile such lists As you mention Are making the polite decision that addressing people As they wish Ismore important than uniformity. Yes there should be a Standard system. It is prob ably miss manners obligation to devise a system one of these Days when she feels she can stand All that tedious  the meantime a lady should be addressed by the Courtesy title she prefers if it is known and  if it is not known. For All her sternness miss manners agrees with you that abandoning touches of Courtesy in a world already desperately lacking in it is a horrible  miss manners one of my co workers approached me with the information that she anther Fiance were having a Stag and Doe prior to their marriage and inquired As to whether i would like to Purchase a ticket for a certain sum to attend. Should t someone other than the Bride to be be handling the Sale of these tickets Ive always freely contributed to gifts purchased Asa group by co workers in our Large office but i admit that i was startled and embarrassed by this direct re quest.-.  -. Gentle readers what do you think might be mores genteel involving ticket Ron the fact is that the concept of a wedding As frankly acknowledged fund raising event is so vulgar As to make the details seem hardly Worth refining. We have rapidly gone from a bridal couple s appreciating the generosity of their friends and relatives to their expecting it to their directing it to their de manding it and not Only of their personal ties but of their professional ones As Well. What puzzles miss manners is Why anyone gives into this unattractive pressure. Surely you can just politely  event that requires tickets is paid amusement not social life. And whatever this person is  manners guesses that you could buy More amusement at the movies. Although come to think of it she might blow Small admission Price to find the answer to the Stag and Doe Riddle if a Stag event is one for males Only As opposed to the Normal social event that includes both males an females and a Doe event is one for females Only As opposed to the Normal social event that include both males and females what in heaven s name is a Stag and Doe event open Hunting season on predatory creatures United feature Syndicate feeling incorrect address your etiquette questions in Black or Blue Black Ink on White writing paper to miss manners. . Box 91428, Cleveland Ohio 44101-3428. The Quill shortage prevents miss Man ners from answering questions except through this column. It s not that i want to see other  him i want to see another species in thanks of big meals and Friendship Erma Bombeck or thanksgiving table has changed throughout the years. Of it s basically Thesa Semenu tur key dressing Sweet potatoes mashed potatoes with Gravy relish tray pump Kin and Pecan pies with dollops of whipped Cream. But the thanksgiving past has changed. My mom used to put Large sheets under her grand children s chairs to protect her carpet. She would have tented them if she knew How and there were aunts who bustled around the Kitchen and uncles who smoked in the living room. Since i went to col lege it was deemed i was one who should carve the Turkey. Turkey 101. Sometimes if we had an Early dinner my sister would invite us Over later for a Buffet in her base ment decorated in Early water Heater so my kids would t trash her living room. When the kids were teen agers thanksgiving was a lot like keeping a train schedule. They had places to be and times to be there. A meal that Mother had spent 11 hours cooking was consumed in a record time of three minutes and 54 seconds. Throughout the years the menu has never changed and the conversation has stayed the same. Tomor Row i  i should t have had a second helping but i m  we should do this More  Why do we need a Holiday to get together today will be no different. The aunts and uncles and my sister Are dead now. So is my father whose main contribution to the an Nual feast was to Sharpen the knives. There s no smoke anymore in the House. A Point is made that the whipped Cream you Are spreading Over the pumpkin and Pecan pies is  everyone feels better about that. The cast at the table now includes a new wife girl friends neighbors a Friend of a Friend whom no one knows Well. It does t matter. We re a part of a Holiday that asks for nothing but our appreciation of one another. Universal  s Syndicate no kidding it happened the year of the first official . Thanksgiving 1789 1. Guillotine introduced in Paris 2. Japan banned streetwalker 3. Sailors Mutiny on . Bounty 4. American tobacco and first appeared 5. Regular . Army numbered 840 men 6.73 percent skipped first session of Congress world features Syndicate pages used for Pentagon Purchase specs 1. For Sandwich cookie 15 pages 2. For olives 17 pages 3. For plastic whistles 16 pages 4. For hot chocolate 20 pages the Mother Tongue by Bill Bryson Avon books it. I f Page 10 sunday. November 20,1994