European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - March 28, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 18 the stars and stripes Friday March 28, 1986 columns let s pause for a commercial by Art Buchwald the testing of baseball players for drugs has begun. Well ladies and gentlemen this is Dan Sundergard of Fly radio and we Are in Florida at the baseball training Camp stadium of the doppler Snail Darters. They Are playing an exhibition game against the Windemere dumplings. Leading the lineup for the Snail Darters is Brian Smirk. Brian Steps up to the plate tips his Cap takes a prac Tice swing and the Umpire hands him a specimen bottle. Smirk is shaking his head to indicate that he does t want to be tested but the Umpire vehemently insists. Hold it. Max fury the Snail Darter manager has just jumped out of the dugout and is having a Tantrum. He is cussing and throwing his hat on the ground. The Umpire is telling him to get Back to the dugout. But Max is too incensed to any attention. Wait a minute fury has grabbed the specimen bottle and has thrown it at the Windemere Bench. It has broken into a thousand pieces. The Umpire is now tossing Max out of the game for interfering with the testing of a baseball player when he is at Bat. Things have settled Down. Smirk is Back at Home plate. The Umpire gives him another specimen bottle. This time Brian does not flinch. He jogs behind the Backstop where no one can see him and. Let s pause for a com Mercial. Welcome Back to doppler stadium. Smirk is return ing to Home plate. He hands the specimen bottle to the Umpire who raises it up to the Sun. Everyone in the stadium is holding his breath. Now Here comes the decision from the Umpire. He is spreading out his hands in a sweeping gesture. Smirk is Safe the test has come up negative the crowd is going crazy. The doppler dugout has emptied and the players Are swarming around Smirk hugging and kissing him. Now he is Riding on their shoulders waving to the fans. Just a second tap chewing the Windemere manager is arguing with the Umpire that Smirk s specimen was positive and not negative. The Umpire has turned his Back on chewing who seems to be threatening to take the test to the baseball commissioner on Appeal. The Umpire has told everyone to get off the Field so the teams can play Ball. Monarchy throws a breaking Ball which Smirk connects with and there it goes Over the second baseman s head. Back to the Wall Brian has a triple the third base Umpire hands Brian another specimen bottle to make sure he has t used any drugs while running from Home plate to third. Smirk is going behind a billboard. And now it s time for another commercial. Here comes Brian Back to third with his specimen. The Umpire is taking out his test kit. Hold it he is looking at Smirk strangely. Now his thumb goes up in the air. Smirk is out. Smirk is out this is the first time a major league player has Ever been tested Safe at Home and then called out at third. Smirk is jumping up and Down on the Umpire s test kit. The doppler third base coach is throwing Sand into the Umpire s face. But nothing will change the Umpire s mind. In baseball test tubes Don t lie. There goes Brian walking toward the dugout. Maybe our Man on the Field simple Semple can have a word with what happened Brian it was a bad Call. I was clean for the entire what was that White stuff you were sniffing when you Slid into third that was Lime from the do you think it was the Lime that made your test positive beats me. I Don t even know what the test for Lime do you believe the baseball commissioner has gone too far with testing baseball players Damn right. There is nothing wrong with testing us once. But when they test us at every base they be gone too c los Angeles times writers in doubt should ask experts by James Kilpatrick not Long ago a Good Friend an expert horsewoman who lives in the Virginia Hunt country was Reading Sidney Sheldon s novel the other Side of she enjoyed the yarn but she giggled at a passage on Page 171. There the principal characters were visiting one of the Best Breeding farms in their hosts lived in a Large colonial House with 60 acres of vivid Green grass and Farmland surrounding their car drove past a Corral filled with Beautiful what was so funny one of the Best Breeding farms in America would More Likely have 600 acres than 60 acres and horses on such farms Are not in they re in pastures or paddocks. As writers whenever we go wandering in arcane Fields we ought to be very sure where we Are going. Retired Brig. Gen. Richard l. Morton made the Point in a recent letter. He is constantly irritated by misuse of the word Day after Day he hears or reads about some one injured by he says it just in t so. Back in 1842, a British army officer col. Henry shrapnel invented a new artillery Shell. He provided a hollow space Between the explosive Core and the inside of the casing. Into this space he crammed a Large number of Lead balls. He expected the balls to Spray in All directions. His theory was that if the casing s fragments failed to hit the enemy the balls would. It was a Good theory so Good that All major armies adopted the shrapnel Shell but no matter How the idea was refined the shrapnel burst in a single unpredictable direction. More efficient weapons came along. The last shrapnel Shell fired in anger was on nov. 10, 1918. Except for practice rounds fired in the 1920s, no shrapnel has been fired since that Day. Morton wants us to speak of Shell fragments or flying Metal objects instead. Another letter comes to hand this one from John e. Beach who teaches physics at Fairless High school in Navarre Ohio. He is vexed by the misuse of weightless Ness in talking about the astronauts. As it popularly is employed he says the term contradicts the major principles of physics Newton s Laws of motion and gravitation. It confuses students and requires them to unlearn nonsense before they can understand that those Laws Are indeed when astronauts move about a Cabin he says they Are not the Correct term is free fall. In the same vein John Dewalt of Harrisburg pa., writes to educate me in the matter of wrought Iron. I had used the term carelessly in a recent column. It appears that wrought Iron is a very particular form of Iron con Taining less than 0.3 percent and usually less than 0.1 percent Carbon and carrying 1 percent to 2 percent slag usually Silicon mixed in. To the Best of my knowledge no wrought Iron has been made in the United states at least on a commercial scale for Many years. I understand one Furnace in Sweden was still pouring it up to the mid 70s," Dewalt wrote. One More example of the Point i am trying to make. United press International in january covered a non jury trial in Norfolk a. The defendant showed no emotion during the Reading of the no sir. Judges can enter orders Render judgments hand Down opinions and make findings but Only juries can bring in verdicts. My thought is that with just a Little extra Effort writers can avoid these offences. In every Industry or profession there Are people who know the right words. In my experience they ordinarily Are delighted to be consulted and they re usually glad to help. We ought to set words in our sentences As a jeweler sets diamonds in a ring precisely carefully tightly making certain of their Quality. They la hold their value that Way. C Universal press Syndicate pownatthbkaxcatcaf5, i asked w boys if the read to mix. It up with w$anptni5ta5. A baby tonal emef�&1& Tom to the Nicaragua thr5at uh.mk5 in a National Emer gency yup. You anwuncepitla5t May 7h/5 is &4 of the crisis today s crossword by Eugene Sheffer across 1 treaties 6 Tantrum 9 be human 12tara family 13 Parseghian 14mgm roared 15 Cali fornia county 16 boxes 18 so far 20 curved molding 21 chairman of note 23 traffic sign caution 24 veers off 25 Franken Stein s aide 27 hang loosely 29 misplay the cards 31 nullify 35 sub device 37 heroic tale 38 verboten 41 Singer Damone 43 steal 44 mimic 45 Wiener Slang 47 Canada explorer 49 Siskel s co critic 52 frosted 53 wrestling need 54 one Type of Energy 55 Aviv 56 classifieds 57 irritable Down 2 that s it 3 saturday to fare 4 Rock s Thompson twins . 5 hourglass contents 6 component 7 Dies 8 cigarette ingredient 9 encomium 10 extend a sub scription1 Small dog h romantic for Short blooms solution time 26 min. Yesterday s Puzzle 17 subway coins 19 Priscilla s John 21 Bei bist do Schoen 22 longevity 24 Mineral Spring 26 traveler s goal 28 pungent 30 Sticky stuff 32 business groups 33 self esteem 34 chemist s place 36 turns away 38 unspoken 39 rapidly 40 silicate Mineral 42 treasure Container 45 peruse 46 woodwind 48 Little teapot."3-28 50 scoundrel 51 attempt 21 25 29 38 44 47 52 55 22 39 18 40 26 35 23 30 53 56 16 19 27 45 13 36 41 28 31 17 24 42 49 54 57 20 10 11 14 37 46 32 33 34 43 50 51 3-28 Hubert most men Only Neep 9ix hour s a night Mother. V i f Saffir yeah pro Vipin they get another Twenty Over the �1906 King features Syndicate. Or a world rights reserved
