European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - April 24, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns reports of what s going on in the real world by John Windrow staff columnist having just returned from three glorious weeks in Sun drenched Tennessee Missouri and Arkansas i thought stripes readers might like to know what s going on in the land of the big pm. Needless to say i went out and mingled with the real people in some of the More exclusive watering holes resorts racetracks Barbecue shacks truck stops lounges and Beer joints from St. Louis to Nashville to hot Springs and Back again. I was where the tourists aint As they say in Memphis. The following comments May offer some insight about what s going on Back where the doorknobs Are round. Artistic License has been employed where in the hell is Libya you mean we still got troops in Germany it was too dry to Plant. Then it rained too hard and washed All the dad blamed fertilizer . Would t it be great to live on Fried Chicken mashed potatoes with Gravy Frog legs Barbecue and Bourbon and Coke where do you live Over there Darmstadt. It s near Frankfurt. Kentucky i switched to old charter. I heard those boys who bought Jack Daniels Are putting out a whiskey that la Hurt you. I m Gonna get me the lowest paying piddling Little Job there is and then drive around in my truck with a six pack and watch other people farm. I la still be making More Money than they Are. They re Gonna put Esters in the food. What Esters you know like polyesters. It la taste Good like it s full of fat and grease but there won t be no calories. I Ain t giving any More wedding presents unless i get a one year guarantee. If they Don t stay together a year i want the gift Back. Everybody s getting married three or four times apiece and its about to break me. The doctor made him quit drinking and he looks 10 years older. I caught myself drinking caffeine free Coffee with non Dairy Creamer and artificial sweetner so i just gave it up All together. They got a lady Chancellor at the state University and she s cutting All the budgets Back to get Money to redecorate All the buildings. How in the hell Are we supposed to beat Oklahoma if we keep recruiting Ball players who can read if Nicaragua s so Dern close to Texas Why Don t they play football those nicaraguans weren t so uppity when Elvis was alive. There s a new country song out called get off the table Darling the two dollars Are for the drinks. 9 she caught him running out of the Back of the Motel in nothing but his socks and even one of them had a Hole in it. Chatta a do for a living Over there in Germany boy i write headlines. Great i make pm she s a Champagne girl in a hamburger town. At the Racetrack at hot Springs do you follow the horses i follow horses that follow horses. 6 what do the germans do on the fourth of july daughter in Law is a pain in the family by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners would you please say what is the Correct answer when you do not understand what is said to you or have not heard correctly gentle Reader what dear miss manners i never thought it would happen to me i have daughter in Law trouble. My son lives in a Distant City and last thanksgiving was the first time i had seen him in his Home since his marriage two years ago. He and his wife visited us last Christmas i stayed one week. I asked him to go to Church with me on thanksgiving and he said of. I also volunteered to help his Mother in Law with the dinner and told his wife to Tell her Mother i would be Over after Church. That evening i got a Long lecture in which she said that i had promised to help her mom and there would t be time for Church even though we weren t eating till 5 . The last Day i was there they had a Row about me. I could t hear it All but my religion was brought up. I also got the Drift that i should stay part time at the Mother in Law s when 1 visit. I like them but feel i am there such a Short time that i want to see my sons. My younger son stays with the older one while he goes to College what do 1 do about the next time i plan to go visit i already changed my reservations to go a week later since that was part of the argument and am going to stay one week instead of the three i had planned. Should i Tell my son How i feel or should i just ignore it i Felt badly treated and really Don t want to go Back but i want to see my sons. I know you Are not in favor of confrontation though i am very tempted. Another thing is that my daughter in Law never thanks me for gifts. My son does it saying his wife liked or did not like something. How should 1 handle this mention it and ask if she liked it gentle Reader there Are confrontations and confrontations. Miss manners does t Rule out polite ones. On the matter of presents for example it would be much More effective to take your daughter in Law s hand in yours say kindly dear i never know if you really like my presents or whether you have Jon Tell me just to be polite it would be such a pleasure to me to hear from you directly than to inquire whether she was brought up in a barn. As for visits remember that you Are her guest As Well As your sons and that three weeks is a Long time to have a House guest unless it is someone who fits easily into the Normal routine of the household. In order to find out How to do that you need a better source of information than overheard squabbles. Let them set the Basic terms of the visit. Tell them How much you want to see them and invite them to your House if they Issue a counter invitation to theirs ask them when it would be convenient and for How Long. But you also have your terms to set. You know i want to go to Church should be said firmly to make it understood that other scheduling must fit around that. Dear miss manners my Best Friend and i share a apartment along with my Boyfriend. Every morning when we Are All up she insists on parading around in a skimpy half shirt and her underwear. She is now also making advances toward my Boyfriend while i am  at work. My Boyfriend has just told me about this. 1 Don t want to lose her Friendship or my Boyfriend. What should i do gentle Reader pick a Roommate. Miss manners does t much care which one but you can t Tell a grownup that she can t appear in a state of undress in her own Home or two roommates that you Are supervising their behaviour with each other. Dear miss manners often at a Good restaurant i will encounter a dish so delightful that i cannot help wanting to share a taste with my wife. Is this simply not done if it is done what is the polite Way of doing it can i feed her off my Fork like a baby Bird just hand her my Fork should i Cut off a morsel and put on her bread plate should we switch plates switch seats there does t seem to be a Graceful Way of doing this but depriving her of something i am enjoying so greatly seems the most impolite of All. Gentle Reader As Long As the sharing is agreeable to you your wife and the Tablecloth it May be done. In restaurants unlike dinner parties it is acceptable to acknowledge that you went there for the food. The truly Graceful method is to Tell the waiter you plan to share a particular course so that he can bring an extra plate and Fork. This is known As splitting an order. For spontaneous sharing use the bread plate method for anything dripping sauce but the Fork is All right for non Messy items. One Way is to offer your plate so that your wife May take something with her own Fork. The baby Bird version is vaguely romantic. However the main consideration in choosing which Way to do it is not your feeling about your dinner partner but respect for the linens. Have an etiquette question address questions to miss manners care of stars and stripes Apo 09211, . Forces. April 24,1986 stripes Magazine