European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - July 21, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns a Novice joins the ranks of Guys in loud pants by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers up to this Point i never considered myself a Golf kind of Guy. Whenever i thought of Golf i thought of Guys telling endless droning anecdotes about bogeys and wearing pants that had to be manufactured in total darkness so they would not cause the textile workers to go Blind and insane. I remember the times i tried to watch professional Golf on television. The entire show seems to consist of a golfer frowning solemnly into the distance while two announcers hold an interminable whispered conversation. It goes like this first announcer he s lying about 18 Yards from the Green with a 14 mile per hour wind out of the Northeast a relative humidity of 72 percent and a Chance of afternoon or evening thundershowers. He might use a nine Iron Here  second announcer or possibly an eight Bill. Or even this makes me so excited that i almost want to speak in a Normal voice a  first announcer or he could just keep on frowning into space. Remember that one time we had a professional golfer frown for five solid hours never once hitting a Ball us whispering the whole time in Between Buick commercials and it turned out that he d had some kind of seizure and died standing up gripping his Sand wedge second announcer in that situation Bill i think i d have used a  so for most of my life i ranked Golf As a sport several notches below seeing How loud i could burp and i avoided All Golf courses that did not have Little motorized windmills on them. But lately i have noticed especially after parties that i am approaching Middle age at speeds upwards of 250 Miles per hour and i be decided that maybe it would t be such a bad thing getting into a sport where the most physically demanding activity is setting the parking Brake on the cart. So i called my neighbor Paul Williams who is an avid golfer in the sense that if he had to choose Between playing Golf and achieving permanent world peace he d want to know How Many holes. Paul said sure he d take me to his club. Before i went i took a lesson in the Miami Herald sports department from Larry Dorman the Golf writer. He showed me using a ruler the secret grip that golfers use. He also gave me some helpful pointers on my swing the main one being that s not How you  in just a few minutes of instruction i was transformed from a person who basically knew nothing about Golf to a person who was ready to make a Complete fool out of himself. Looking Back on it i think that my biggest mistake out on the actual Golf course was that i did t stick with the ruler. Instead i tried to use Golf clubs which i had not practice with. And As if that was t enough of a Handicap Paul a real stickler for the rules insisted that i use a Ball an aspect of Golf that Dorman in the lesson had failed to mention. First Paul would Tell me what club to use. Try a five Iron Here he d say As if he honestly believed that it would make a difference. Then with a perfectly straight face he would give me very specific directions As to where i should hit the Ball. You want to aim it about 2/2 Yards to the right of that fourth Palm tree he d say pointing at a Palm tree that i could not hit with a strategic defense initiative laser. I d frown mightily pro golfer style at this tree then i d take a violent swing at the Ball taking care to keep my head Down which is an important part of your stroke because it gives you a Legal excuse if the Ball winds up lodged in somebody s brain. Sometimes after my swing the Ball would still be there surrounded by a miniature scene of devastation similar to the View that airborne politicians have of Federal disaster areas. Sometime the Ball would be gone which was the signal to look up and see How hard Paul was trying not to laugh. Usually he was trying very hard which meant the Ball had gone about As far As you would hide an easter egg from a Small child with impaired vision. Then Paul would hit his Ball approximately As far As Guam. He always tried to get his Ball into the Hole via the shortest route whereas i drawing on my experience As the father of a 7-year-old, was More lenient allowing my Ball to explore and discover interesting new challenges the result being that even keeping my head Down i saw a great Deal of the course and received Many stares from fellow golfers. By stopping Only once for Beer we were Able to Complete nine entire holes in less time than it would have taken us to memorize moby Dick in korean. Paul and i agreed that nine holes was plenty for a person with my particular level of liability insurance so we headed Back to the clubhouse for additional Beer which i managed to drink As though i d been doing it All my adult life. The trick is to keep your head up. Bride makes undue fuss Over wedding photos by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners my wedding dinner and reception last november was for Only 70 people. I did not want a big wedding i preferred a More personal less complicated event. A Friend offered to record a video for us. My sister s husband offered to take pictures to put in albums for my husband s family and my family. A sister from out of town took pictures with her camera and offered them to us if we wanted to include them in our wedding albums. Two of my nieces also took pictures and offered them. A third Niece took pictures of my wedding and decided to give them to my family for Christmas. The first person she gave these enlarged pictures to including an enlarged Frame picture of my husband and me was my Mother her grandmother. I was upset that she would take it upon herself to do this. I immediately called and asked her not to give the rest of the pictures to my family As it was my wedding and i was preparing special albums for them. She haughtily replied that she was doing me a favor and i had no reason to be upset. I have More than 100 pictures of my wedding to choose among for these albums. Although it has been time consuming to choose the Best shots of each member of the family i found pleasure in doing it. If she gave pictures of her wedding to my family i would say she had the right. But she gave pictures of my wedding to my family without consulting or asking my permission and though i am not an expert on etiquette i feel she had no right to do that. I would appreciate your comments. Gentle Reader please get control of yourself Madam you Are frothing All Over your bridal lace. The Bride does not have a copyright on her wedding which by the Way she could More properly refer to As our  surely your family will be glad to receive your albums As Well As her pictures unless of course All this squabbling has made them heartily sick of the whole event. Dear miss manners while chatting with new neighbors at a recent party for them discussing what brought them to the area our children Etc asked and what about your family the reply was we married late and have no  at that Point i found it difficult to continue the conversation. How can a Gap like that be bridged it is certainly none of my business whether someone is childless by Choice or by Chance and i would not pursue the matter. I would just like to have had something to say kindly to get into another subject from that Cliffhanger. Obviously i should not have been so free with my own information until their situation was More evident. Gentle Reader by not grabbing these people by the collars and demanding Why not did you try did you try to adopt Don t you like children Are you just being selfish you have already shown More Good manners than most of the people the childless couple have probably encountered. Asking new neighbors what family they have they could also have had a Parent sharing their House does not by itself constitute prying. Nor by their answer did they take it As such. Your Only pitfall was to behave As if they must feel humiliated by this admission. Regretting having mentioned your own children to them indicates that you Are worried that they might be disappointed and envious and there is no reason to think that. Dear miss manners i am a single attractive Young woman. I am very much in love and would like to marry the gentleman i be been dating for close to four years. This being leap year i would like to know the proper etiquette for a woman proposing to a Man. Is a ring necessary should i buy it first since i be had my Eye on a particular one or is that traditionally left to the Man gentle Reader a shudder went through miss manners Over the possibility that you might be suggesting that you buy an engagement ring you expect the gentleman to Wear. There is no such thing As an engagement ring for gentlemen no matter what interested merchants May Tell you. But miss manners is no happier when she considers that you must therefore be suggesting that you buy yourself a ring and plop it on your own Finger if the gentleman accepts. A leap year proposal is Only that not a total role reversal. You need t offer to let him Wear the bridal veil nor attempt to carry yourself Over the threshold. Dear miss manners my Fiance believes in women s liberation and women s rights. He said he would buy me an engagement ring if i would give him an equal amount of Money. He said to make it out As a gift certificate for him. He then gave the Check to the jeweler to help pay for my ring. I want to break the engagement. Who gets the ring gentle Reader he does you get the Money Back. After that if you want to Trade miss manners will discreetly look the the other Way. Have a question on etiquette write to miss manners in care of the stars and stripes Apo 092 / 7. Your question will be forwarded to her. Miss manners regrets that she can answer questions Only in her column. July 21, 1988 stripes Magazine