European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 27, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse Joe Bob Briggs a goes to the drive in movies Joe Bob meets Jesus a what a Wacky Guy a photo from a the last temptation of Christ a a film which May or May not Bear any relation to the one Joe Bob watched. I to problem with movies about Jesus is that i already know How they come out that s Why the last temptation of Christ is so great you never know what this Wacky Guy is Gonna do next of of of most of you know by now that i had t been inside a hard top movie theater since 196/, and that was Only to get change for a 20, but i had to Sec this one All my Baptist buddies All my pentecostal buddies All my friends in the citizens for decency of Tupelo miss., that had the March on the world Headquarters of / eleven three years Back a everybody was in town for the grand opening they decided to suggest that the makers of this movie should have their Heads blown off in a Christian manner and they were carrying signs that said stuff like my Savior thinks this movie has cooties and other Christian sentiments and whenever there s a protest of that size it normally Means you re Gonna see at Toast 60, 70 Nek kid breasts and somebody s head blown off. I been using their recommendations for years. So All right yes i admit it i m not proud of it but i went indoors to see this flick but i know the ,1 Man will forgive me for that because this is i Lis Best performance in several centuries it starts out with Jesus on a bad acid trip he roots around in the did All the time and hangs out with talking snakes and faints and twitches a lot and watches Mary Magdalene make the sign of the triple jointed elect re eel in a Cave full of iranians Mary mag has some body tattoos that make her look like she spent the 70s in a biker gang and she tries to manipulate the j Man into marrying her by saying she would t be imitating the burrowing Back Wea Sel if it was t for the fact that Jesus is not into marriage Quot get a life Quot she tells him. One thing i like about this Jesus compared to the 11 hour miniseries Jesus is that this Guy does t mess around he does the Sermon on the mount in like two minutes it s More like the Sermonetti on the mount and then he gets Back to the important stuff like washing a Hooker s feel. Anyhow Jesus makes it out into the desert sits in the dirt some More and satan sends some zoo animals to tempt him. First a Snake asks him to look at the Snake s Gar Bonzas but a Snake Don t have Gar Bonzas so that Don t work. Then a lion tells him he s a liar. Then a Ball of fire talks with a British accent. Jesus eats a big old bloody Apple chops Down a tree and then he goes to see Mary and Martha who Are telling him Quot god does t want you to fast and Pray. He wants you to make children Quot and then the rest of it is pretty much straight out of the Bible until you get to the part at the end whore he s Nek kid on the Cross trying to figure out some other a y or the Story to end. And that s the part that my buddy Donny Wildman of i he citizens for decency says ought to censored Oft the face of the Earth it s where this guardian Angel that looks like a Valley girl brat pack reject with a British accent comes and gets him olt the Cross and takes him on a picnic and reintroduces him to Mary Magdalene and they get married and then she Dies and then he marries the other Mary of mrs and Martha Fame Only he gets a Little from Martha on the Side and then there a a whole lot of that obnoxious Middle Eastern flute music until he san old Man dying on his bed and he thinks to himself Quot you know i think i did something wrong Here Quot and then Paul and Judas show him that Little brat Packer was really the Devil and he better get his Hiney Back up on the Cross where he belongs. And so he does. And it is where he belongs. And it is a temptation he probably had. And it is something you a think about if you were up there no matter what my Baptist Brothers been saying it s a great flick. Eight breasts. Three dead bodies minus two risen including Lazarus equals one. Talking snakes. Voices. Visions. Kiss of death. Beating. Lashing. Hooker tattoos. Ubangi water worship. Ltd special effects. Foot kissing. Foot washing. Drive in Academy award nomination for Martin Scorsese for doing it the drive in Way. Four stars. Joe Bob says Check it Joe Bob remember How we was Gonna Boycott France me an the Fellers Down at the Plant All took this real serious. French Fries French bread French dressing French s Mustard a hell we gave Mem All up. We would t put Perrier water on a forklift. Ainu to much to ask. And our patriotic duty Clear As Day. But the hard part came when we found out that adultery is the French National pastime. This has been a considerable hardship for quite a spell now. My questions is is it Over yet me an the Fellers would like to know real soon. Our wives Are starting to look Good. Please sign us ironworkers local 378 Oakland dear ironworkers the French did t invent it. They re just the first people in history to make it Boring. Go ahead. Well make an exception for Union Guys. Dear Joe Bob i am a Little choked up As to How much i enjoyed your newspaper. The Best Way to put it is that i enjoyed the rag As much As my two favorite activities picking my nose and scratching myself. Usually i advise people not to give up their Day Job. In your Case i Tell you not to give up your night Job. A a. Sincerely yours David d. Obert Union Ore. Dear Dave sometimes an artist like me yearns to know what his readers Are thinking about him. And sometimes he just goes Joe Bob Briggs is in France doing a to special called a Joe Bob goes to the Cannes film the preceding column is an Oldie and a readers favorite. The letters Section is All new mail. Page 12 c to plus sunday. May 27, 1990
