European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 1, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                A 06610 is running Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers ice holy like Many of you i watched with breathless excitement As the Hubble space Telescope which Cost Over a billion dollars and took More a than 10 years to build was finally after Many delays launched into orbit where it began beaming Back breathtaking detailed full color never seen before images of the Dairy Queen in Kingman Kan. This was yet another dramatic example As if we needed More examples of the worsening National incompetence crisis which has gotten so bad that president Bush took time off from eliminating the Pesky Federal budget deficit to ask vice president Dan Quayle to head a National incompetence commission which recently issued a shocking report in which All the pages were stuck together by what appeared to be used milk duds. Nobody can say what is causing the National incompetence crisis. All we know for sure is that it is entered directly Over my House. I became aware of this recently when i wandered into our Kitchen and found my wife Beth shrieking death threats into the Telephone. Williams London England Sas Sharon Killday ordinarily Beth is not a death threat kind of Gal. The closest i have Ever seen her come to violence was when she attempted to strike me for making a humorous remark while she was experiencing the Joy and wonder of natural childbirth. But she was very angry on the Telephone. A i want it Back Quot she was shrieking. A a if a done to gel it Back in a going to Call my lawyer. In a  Call the police. In a going to Call organized crime. In a. She was talking about our Var. We got a Var so we could record to programs on the one Day in four when our Cable to system the franchise for which was awarded to politically connected members of the legume family a is actually working. One Day seconds after the warranty expired our Var broke so we gave it to some men who claimed that they fixed things but who in fact took it to a secret Mountain hideout where they keep thousands of a repaired appliances dating Back to defective butter chums from the revolutionary War. Then they made Popcorn and gathered around their answering machine to listen to recordings of my wife who gradual whal a  it his Nau i it a a Frog to Ioa in was a Tohn Lic swim run before there was fast Ball Pitcher Nolan Ryan there was flame thrower Bob Feller. After taking a third strike from Feller who was 18 at the time Joe Cronin muttered to the Umpire a a if did no to see it How did you a and once after Feller blew three straight pitches past lefty Gomez the dazed Yankee Pitcher told the ump a that last one sounded  san Francisco chronic Fly for those who can to get enough Here a another Light bulb joke How Many Good Ole boys does it take to change a Light bulb four. One to change it one to write a country Western song about it and two to have a fistfight in the parking lot Over it. A humor writer Lewis Grizzard a if we re not wanted there we wont be there a the president says of u a. Bases in the Philippines. Dam. We hoped he was talking about the government in Washington. New York times by escalated into hostility until she had gone beyond spoken language and was communicating entirely by spit. Finally after nine months of this the men resumed our Var by a 1 am not making this up leaving it on our Doorstep. We came Home and there under the Doormat was this pathetic whimpering electronic orphan. It still does no to work on top of which it now suffers from a fear of abandonment and has formed an unnatural attachment to the microwave oven. I know what you re thinking. You re thinking a Why did you wait nine months Why did no to you do what the better business Bureau recommends in such cases namely drive Over and shoot the men with machine Gutis a because my damned car does no to work that a Why. Excuse me for using loud vitalized letters but i get very angry about this because i constantly see advertisements triumphantly Ana punching that my car has been named something like rugged Macho stud Hombre 4-by4 of the Century by an outfit with a name like Magazine writers who do not personally own this Type of car but get to drive new ones for free. A my car needs to be rugged because it takes a constant daily pounding from the Tow truck dragging it Back to the Mechanic who never actually fixes the problem. In fact in recent months he has taken to actually making my car worse. Quot please done to Send me Back to that Man a i can almost hear my car screaming As the Tow truck drags it away but i just laugh because at this Point i frankly hate my car which is Why i Wasny to even upset recently when the Mechanic apparently making sure that he had not accidentally fixed the problem took the car for a test drive and had an Accident. Really. I did no to get the details. It  Surprise me to learn that head been struck by the Hubble Spape Telescope. 1 done to want to know. Pm not going to spend any More time complaining about the National incompetence crisis. In a going to concentrate on do Rifg my Job and doing it right because Here in the newspaper Industry we Pride ourselves on com Tom Madrid Spain of a a l Page 12 c a sunday july 1, 1990