European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 8, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                To Page 24all wrapped up in falling snakes meddling ants Dave Barry the Miami Herald recently 1 had to pay several Hundred dollars to get my car started and do you know Why nature that a Why. It s getting out of control. Now before 1 get a lot of angry mail on recycled paper let me stress that generally i m in favor of nature. In a even in favor of scary nature such As makes because i know that snakes play a vital roles in the ecosystem specifically. The role of Bolonga the Demon creature. But nature should stay in its proper context. For example the proper context for snakes is Asia. A Snake should not be in your Yard unless it has your written permission. A Snake should definitely not he climbing your Trees although this is exactly what one was doing outside my window a Lew Days ago. I looked out and there it was going straight up the trunk looking casual or. Cool blooded. It was impressive. In a always amazed that snakes can move on the ground without arms or legs. You try lying on your stomach and moving Forward merely by writhing. My Friend Buzz. Burger did this for an hour at the Mcpher sons b177 new years eve parly and never got out of the Kitchen. Nevertheless i was alarmed to see the Snake because according to top Snake scientists there a Only one known scientific reason Why a Snake would go up a tree. Namely so it can leap onto your head and strangle you. This particular Snake had been watching me for several Days. I d seen it on the Lawn earlier when i was out with my two dogs. Earnest and Zippy who were trotting in front looking Alert and vigilant providing Protection. The Snake was holding still which is a ploy that a Snake will use to fool the observer into thinking that its a harmless object such As a Garden Hose or a Snake made out of rubber. This ploy is effective Only if the observer has the 10 of a breath mint so it worked perfectly on my dogs who vigilantly trotted right past the Snake. Earnest actually stepped Over part of the Snake. If the Snake had been something harmless the dogs would have spotted it India Nelly. Zippy for example goes into a violent Barking rage whenever he notices the swimming Pool chlorine dispenser. This is a Small benign plastic object that floats in the Pool and has never made a hostile move in . But Zippy is convinced its a malignant entity just wailing for the right moment to lunge out of the water jaws like and dispense lethal doses of chlorine All Over its helpless victims. 1 tried to notify the dogs about the Snake. Quot look a i said pointing Quot a Snake a this caused the dogs to alertly Trot Over and sniff my Finger in Case there was Peanut Butler on it. The Snake continuing to hold still was watching All this thinking a this person will be easy to  so now i find myself glancing up nervously whenever i walk across my Yard. In a thinking maybe i should carry an open umbrella at All times As a Snake Deflector. But that is not my Point. By now you have forgotten my Point which involves my car. One Day it would t Start and it had to be towed to our garage which has two main characters Bill who is responsible for working on the car and Sal who is responsible for giving you a dramatic account of what was wrong. A at first we thought it was the something Quot Sal told me when it was All Over. A but when we tried to something the Someth Ingall we got was something can you believe it a Quot no a i assured him. A so then Quot said Sal starting to gesture Quot we tested the something but he continued for 10 minutes attracting a Small but appreciative audience. Finally he reached the crucial dramatic moment where Bill had narrowed the problem Down to a key car part called the  carefully Bill removed this part. Slowly he opened it up. And there in Side he found ants. Yes. An ant Squadron was living in my car part and eating the wires. I am not making this up. A ooh yes. A said Sal. A wants will eat your  this gave me a terrible feeling of what the French Call Dejavu meaning a big insect  because just a month earlier the water in our House slopped running and a paid professional plumber came out and informed us that a i am still not making this up a there were ants in our pump switch. This is what 1 mean by nature getting out of hand. Its not natural for ants to cat car and pump parts. Ants should cat food provided by the ecosystem such As dropped milk duds. Something is wrong. And Here a another scary but absolutely True fact lately i be noticed ants going into the paper Slot of my computers laser Printer. Ask yourself what natural business would ants have with a laser you can bet that whatever they re up to it s not going to Benefit Mankind not after All the stuff we be sprayed on them. So in a worried. In a worried in my car. In a worried in my House. Above All in a worried when i Cross my Yard. I m afraid that one Day ill disappear and the police will search my property and All  find will be a Snake who obviously just ate a Large meal and is pretending to be a really fat Garden Hose. Maybe  find glowing ants munching on say the microwave oven. And  find Zippy or. Vigilant Barking at the chlorine dispenser. Williams London England n �?�1 coulda1 been a contender  behind the songs 1. Star spangled Banner a based on English drinking song 2. America a based on German Melody 3. Day tripper a about Ltd 4. Stardust a originally a ragtime piano tune 5. Home on the Range a original title the Western Home 6. Ballad of Tom Dooley a for Confederate Soldier Tom Dula source world features Syndicate Yayo Montreal Canada o o t3 a o Ltd a. O o 3 Tny 3 it it z3 a q Yah a sunday september 8, 1991