European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 17, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse Las vegas sleaze May no longer be in the cards i just got Back from vegas where we did my fifth anniversary show for Cable we wont dwell on How pitiful that Island i Hadnot been there in a while and so i did no to realize How the whole City has become one big Disney world Epcot Universal tour Ripley a believe it or not Snake farm and wheelchair museum. In a always the last to discover a trend so you already know this vegas wants us to think of it As a a family entertainment done to we already have enough a family entertainment centers where Norm and Marge can drive the suburban to dump their kids in a log flume can to we try to keep the one truly Sleazy place in America actually there Are two Sleazy places but Atlantic City is so far beyond Sleazy its More like a clinical disease anyhow there Are All these new hotels like the Mirage and the Excelsior and the a fall new circus circus which As the original hotel for families with screaming carpet monsters who Wanna rub pizza juice on momus dress while mom says a look at the Nice Clown and the trapeze woman wearing dental floss around her Waist Isnit she pretty and All these new hotels have a family entertainment attractions like wild animals dolphins circus acts kiddie buffets to try to get the . Crowd to stay there. Which would be Fine with me except for one thing you Ever try to play Blackjack sitting next to a woman named Florence from Akron its not that they just Wanna talk. People should talk at Blackjack _ tables. Its that they All Wanna talk about Blackjack. A you did no to double Down on that nine did you a this woman said to me one Day at the Mirage. And what do i say i say a ooh yeah How stupid of maj thanks for and what am i thinking in a thinking a you ignorant Dairy cow you never double Down on nine unless the dealer shows a Low How come i can never bring myself to say stuff like this a except to people i love but even if this woman had Given me the right advice i care. What a really amazing about the potato Farmer crowd that a pouring into vegas is that everybody has these Blackjack systems. They re not just sticking quarters in the Slot machine. They re up in their hotel rooms with a calculator practising How to beat the four deck dealer s shoe. Lemma Savey All a lot of time. Here Sall you have to know about Blackjack in vegas Numero Uno there Are about six Guys in the world who can win at Blackjack in vegas. Five of to Tim Are banned from every Casino in town. The sixth one spends every waking hour practising Blackjack. Numero two of if you can memorize 20 random four digit numbers like �?o8,974�?� and �?o3,244,�?� in about 30 seconds and then keep All 20 in your head for a half hour ready to recall them at any moment then you have the Bare minimum memory needed to count cards and bet properly. Numero three of if you become any Good at the game you la eventually Start playing at the smaller casinos that advertise a one deck blackjacks and a double Odds a because you think you can make More Money there. All these places Deal Blackjack by hand. There a a reason they do that. Numero four of never split fours fives Sixes or nines. Numero five of always drink the complimentary cocktail. You wont play any better but you la think you do. Speaking of american institutions that just wont go away Mickey Rooney is starting to turn up in drive in movies left and right and one of his Best ones is silent night deadly night v the toy maker latest in the series of movies that ruined Christmas for children everywhere. If you remember the first two silent night deadly nights starred an a murderer dressed up like Santa Claus. I have no idea what happened in three or four because in a not even sure they exist. Kinda like the howling movies All of a sudden they re making the eighth one and everybody is going a a it a a joke right a but Mickey if you Haven to seen him lately looks like he a slowly melting with each passing year. And i think he has been wearing the same dirty sweatshirt in his last three flicks. But anyhow he plays the kindly old to maker Joe Petto get it who builds himself an android robot one Day to be his son. Meanwhile somebody is sending mysterious Christmas gifts to the Home of Derek an 8-Ycar-old kid who a a Little sceptical about the Holiday season Ever since he saw his daddy a face chewed off by a musical Santa. Various toys keep coming to life like Zombie merchandise at target and killing various members of the cast a until the big final showdown Between mama Derek a real dad and a killer maniac robot named Pino. Its kind of a child a play Ripoff combined with puppet master pinocchio and a stranger is watching. I loved it. Six dead bodies. Two breasts. One crash and Burn. Fire poker through the gizzards. Eyeball sucking Caterpillar. Rubber Snake strangling. Joe Bob Briggs. Creators Syndicate multiple aardvark ing. Killer roller Blades. Body slicing. Great killer toy puppet master effects. Brutal fistfight. Head Rolls. Toys r us fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Rooney for screaming a i ought break you in half a at his toy Tracy Fraim As the Santa who a following Derek around for giving his landlord a toy and saying a a it a to die for Jane Higginson As mom for rooting around in the Back of a station Wagon and saying a a done to lie to me Joe i saw him a Brian Bremer As the maniac android for saying a i had to be sure he did no to Hurt me anymore and a you done to need Derek i can be your son now a and William Thorne As the kid for saying a a done to be afraid a its Only a toy three stars. Joe Bob says Check it bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over communism the Hathaway drive in theatre on route 67 in North Hoosick n.y., has been saved because Karl and Elizabeth Pingree who know nothing about the movie business have bought it and arc reviving the great 60-by-30 screen and using the old grass parking embankments instead of gravel or Asphalt. It has a 320-car capacity picnic areas great movie murals in the Concession stand a and its doing business. Elizabeth who a a nurse and Karl who san airline employee say they re doing it because the Hathaway is a a recreational asset to the Dave Casey a native of North Hoosick now living in Copper Canyon Texas reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Dear Joe Bob your june article in the san Francisco chronicle Datebook attempted to make a joke about a lesbian named mumbles the molester. Unfortunately this is not a harmless stereotype but a lie told about lesbians every Day to deny them employment child custody and other rights. I often find your column amusing but not when it serves to continue homophobic stereotypes. Keep up the non offending jokes. Heaven knows we need them in this time of the new world odor. Karen Leslie Topikian san Francisco dear Karen several people wrote to me about the made up name a mumbles the molester a implying that the word a a molester Means a child abusers and that i was employing some incredibly elaborate conceit in order to associate child abuse with lesbians. I double checked the word. It does no to necessarily have anything to do with children. Buy a dictionary. Dear Joe Bob what a the irony of Linda the exorcist Blair a attendance at the superbowl of Chili Cook off in Sylmar Doug Taylor Sacramento Calif. Dear Doug i would have to look at the Chili but i really done to Wanna think about it. Of a a Mickey Rooney throws his weight around in silent night deadly night v the toy 17, 1991 sunday a
