European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 17, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                I ast. I auth a Man the boat when its really on the Lin Dave Barry it begun is a inn nautical Outing 10 of us in a Motorboat off the coast of Miami. The weather was sunny and we saw no signs of danger other than the risk of sliding overboard because every exposed surface on the boat was covered with a layer of snack related grease. We had enough cholesterol on Board to put the entire . Olympic team into cardiac arrest. T his is because All 10 of us were Guys. I hate to engage in gender stereotyping but when women plan the menu for a Reese Lional Outing they usually come up with a nutritionally balanced menu featuring All the major food groups including the sliced carrots group the pieces of fruit Cut into cubes group the utensils group and the plate group. Whereas Guys tend to focus on the carbonated malt beverages group and the fatal snacks group. On this particular trip our food Supply consisted of about 14 hags of potato chips and one fast Good tried Chicken giant Economy tub o fat nobody brought for example napkins the theory being that you could just wipe your hands on your stomach. Then you could burp. This is what Guys on All Guy boats arc doing while women Are thinking about their relationships. The reason the grease got smeared everywhere was that Lour of the Guys on the boat were 10 year Olds who because of the Way their still developing digestive systems work cannot Chew without punching. This results in a lot of dropped and throw it food. On this boat you regularly encountered Sci gnawed pieces of Chicken skittering across the deck toward you like Small but hostile alien creatures from the Kentucky Fried planet. Periodically a Man would yell a Cut that out at the Hoys then burp to indicate the depth of his concern. Discipline is vital on a boat. We motored through random looking Ocean until we found exactly what we were looking for a Patch of random looking Ocean. There we dropped Anchor and dived for Florida lobster which protect themselves by using their tails to scoot backward really fast. They be been fooling predators with this move for millions of years but the Guys on our boat being advanced life forms including a dentist figured it out in under three hours. I myself did not participate because i believe that lobsters arc the result of a terrible genetic Accident involving nuclear radiation and cockroaches. I mostly sat around watching Guys lunge out of the water heave lobsters into the boat burp and plunge Back in. Meanwhile the lobsters were scrabbling around in the Chicken grease frantically trying to shoot backward through the Forest of legs belonging to 10-Ycar-old boys squirting each other with gobs of the no. 197,000,000 Sun Block that their moms had sent along. It was a total Guy Day very relaxing until the arrival of the Barracuda. This occurred just after wed All gotten out of the water. One of the men Larry was fishing and he hooked a Barracuda right where we had been swimming. This was unsettling. The books All say that Barracuda rarely eat people but very few Barracuda can read and they have far More Teeth than would be necessary for a strictly seafood diet. Their Mouths look like the entire $39.95 set of Ginsu knives including the Handy Arm Slicer. We gathered around to watch Larry fight the Barracuda. His plan was to catch it weigh it and release it with a warning. After 10 minutes he almost had it to the boat and we were All pretty excited for him. When All of a sudden. Ba-dump.,. A dump. Those of you who read music recognize this As the sound track from the motion picture jaws. Sure enough cruising right behind Larry a Barracuda thinking sushi was a shark. And not just any shark. It was a Hammerhead shark perennial Winner of the coveted Oscar for ugliest fish. It has a weird to shaped head with a big eyeball on each tip so that it can see around both sides of a Telephone pole. This ability is of course useless for a fish but nobody would dare try to explain this to a Hammerhead. The Hammerhead its Fin breaking the surface zigzagged closer to Larry s Barracuda then surged Forward. A ooh a went Larry reeling furiously. Chomp went the Hammerhead and suddenly Larry s Barracuda was in a new weight division. Chomp went the Hammerhead again and now Larry was competing in an entirely new category fish consisting of Only a head. The boys were staring at the remainder of the Barracuda deeply impressed. A this is your leg a a said the dentist. A this is your leg in jaws. Any questions a the boys for the first time All Day were quiet. The Miami Herald no k 11 i i \ psycho Over psycho 1. Idea for film a real life murder in 1950s 2. Financial backing a Paramount refused 3. Financier a Alfred Hitchcock 4. Time for film a one month 5. Film Crew a from tvs Alfred Hitchcock presents 6. Shower scene a stand in for Anthony Perkins source world features Syndicate beliefs not supported by science 1. Breakfast most important meal of Day 2. Reading in dark will ruin eyes 3. Cracking Knuckles causes arthritis 4. Carrots Are Good for eyes 5. Chocolate causes acne source you know whal they say. 1 is amp is f _ sorry you have the wrong  is unless you happen to be free this  Page 24 sunday november 17. 1991