European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 24, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Bearing Down amid the animals of Montana Dave Barry while in Montana we spent a couple of peaceful Days in a Cabin on the Bench ranch which is owned by Jack and Susan Hyneman Veteran ranchers who know what a a a heifers is and arc not afraid to walk right up and touch a live horse something i would not do except from inside an armoured personnel Carrier. The Bench ranch is just up the Road a piece or possibly two pieces from the town of Fishtail which is not far from Roscoe. The major Industry in the Fishtail Roscoe Metroplex is cows. Cows do not have what you would Call a varied lifestyle. Every morning they Wake up and have a group planning meeting. They go Quot Well what docs everybody want to do today a a i know lets stand around eating and pooping a Quot sounds Good a a yes and sometimes for no reason Well make loud noises a i generally done to go near cows because they like horses fall into the category of Large animals with unnecessarily hard feet. But my son Robby wanted to Sec them up close and finally by accusing me of being a Coward which i am he got me to climb with him Over the Fence so that we were inside with the actual cows. There were maybe 50 of them and they All looked up at us and started moving around in a suspicious manner suggesting to me that they had just that morning decided to quit eating grass and become carnivorous. Also Thev were making sounds in secret cow code. Lets pretend to be harmless herbivores Quot they were saying Quot then use our unnecessarily hard feet to Squash them like Jelly doughnuts a so i climbed Back out of there Pronto. But the next Day i went Back this time protected by a real cow person named Jeff Guckenberger and his dog . For last Chance. . Is a hard working strict 40-Pound dog who docs not approve of the cow lifestyle. At the slightest signal from Jeff shed leap off the truck and charge into a group of 800-Potind cows Barking orders. Quot you morons a shed bark. Quot How Many times do i have to Tell you you re not supposed to stand Here you re supposed to stand there a and the cows whose tongues arc bigger than ., would move. Everybody should have a dog like this. You know How when you throw a party All the guests gather in the Kitchen and you can to get them to move into the living room you could just give the signal and . Would come charging into the Kitchen Barking and nipping at your guests heels and in no time they a be in the living room grazing on hours do oeuvres and mooing contentedly and pooping on the carpet. Our big excitement at the Bench ranch was watching a calf get bom. One of the cows just Lay Down on her Side and a Little while later she emitted a baby cow about the size of John Sununu. It looked painful but the other cows paid no attention. They just chewed and watched us. A they done to have a Strong support group a said Jeff. Meanwhile the Bull who fathered this calf was off with the other bulls drinking Beer and playing cards. Life can be Tough for a cow. After we left the Bench ranch we drove Down the Road several Hundred pieces to Cody wyo., which is even less populous than Billings. We stayed in the mountains outside of town in a Cabin owned by Ted and Kate Williams who like so Many modern couples with Small children Are concerned about the Issue of bears. Yes. There Are real bears running around out there unsupervised without licenses or collars or anything. I became concerned about this Issue myself soon after we arrived when i walked up the Hill from the main House to the Cabin at dusk to get a Frozen pizza out of the refrigerator for the kids. As i walked Back Down the Hill alone in the gathering darkness it occurred to me that i was a natural target for bears. I realized that it could very Well be a Little known fact that 96 percent of All Bear attacks involve Frozen pizza. They develop a lust for Pepperoni. Pretty soon i was walking fast then actually sprinting Down the Hillside whirling my head around looking for Large dark shapes ready to fling the pizza at them Frisbee style if necessary. You May laugh but that night it snowed and the next morning Robby found big round tracks outside the Cabin and Kate said she thought they were Bear tracks. So do i. When you be been out West As Long As i have roughly six Days you get a feel for these things and those tracks definitely belonged to a Bear probably violent. It might even have been a  the Miami Herald a l. E a military life in Europe by Charles Kaufman 1 frays widespread Over Bading of civilian jobs in the . Army Europe wastes millions gs-9 nor me if Frook m a it gs-11 nor its and above. 0�?~9 9�?~ Page 28 a sunday May 24, 1992