European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 12, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse Rats there must be a better Way for science to get ahead Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive let you May of noticed that they did this Experiment on the space shuttle where they took live rats and Cut off their Heads to see what would happen to them in outer space. I happen to know that they got the results in this week and they be reached a definite scientific con delusion the rat died. They found out that when you Cut off a rates head in a weightless condition the rat becomes some of the doctors had predicted this but you can to be sure until you get out the old Scalpel and Start whacking can you \. A lets compare this dead rat in outer space to what happens when you Cut off a rates head on Earth. As far As we can Tell at this time there is no difference. When you behead an earthbound rat it Keels Over and Dies. The rat behaves exactly the same in both places. So on Earth the result is also a dead a its Gravity aided death but still death. Many people wonder Why we would spend tax Money on studying headless rats in space but i think its obvious. We could have Cut the head off an actual astronaut but he would be far More expensive and require far fancier equipment than we have available. By using a rat we now know what will happen if an astronauts head does become separated from his body in a weightless condition. If we re really Gonna explore this problem in a purely scientific manner we need to move a Little higher up the food Chain. On the next shuttle Mission we should Hack the head off a wire haired Ter. Rier or maybe a siamese Kitten. At the very least we could Hack up somebody a pet Hamster. Because the main reason you get any True results from this Experiment is that you were cutting the head off the Only creature in the universe that a uglier than we Are. Hie loss of the head is an improvement speaking of things that Are hard to watch Tokyo decadence is one of those films that comes along every 10 years that everybody desperately wants to believe is a great Art film about Quot sensuality Quot and Quot Modem angst a because then they can get their Girlfriend to go with Mem to see a porno film. And it works. All the intellectuals talk about the cinematography a a Brilliant images the vision of a new Young Genius a and All the rest of us say a get a Load of the Hema Tomas on that anyhow what makes this one trendy is that it s from Tokyo where the businessmen Are so Strait laced and up tight that you know they gotta be setting up trapezes in the bedroom you know what i mean and this movie pretty much confirms our suspicions. Its the Story of a Little sad sack Call girl who will do anything she s asked to do in the finer hotels of Tokyo. And some of the stuff is what you would expect and some of it is what you be heard about but you would never expect people to actually put on film and this one scene with a real estate Guy called Quot Turtle head is such a Gross out that even i watch it and ill watch anything up to and including Bonnie Franklin in a made for to movie. Its impossible to keep All the vowels straight on this one but i think its Miho Nikaido who plays the 22-year-old girl who studies sign language so she can work at a deaf orphanage goes to a Fortune tellers wears a Good Luck ring Pines for a married Man who left her three years ago and spends several hours a this Hooker won t watch in Tokyo decadence. Day running around town with a purse full of sex gizmos turning $3,000 tricks where she does everything except get Down on the floor and bark like a dog. The Only thing creepier than what the men want to do to her is what the men want her to do to them. Fortunately she conquers her shame by hanging out with an experienced Hooker who introduces her to opium heroin Champagne and the importance of Quot living life to the a and that a just about All the plot you re Gonna get out of me because we re already testing the limits of the Omaha paper Here. So ill just rattle off Hose drive in totals fourteen breasts. Gagging. Blind folding. Trussing. Multiple aardvark ing. Blood transfusion. High Eccl Licking. A lot of stuff too disgusting to mention. Soundtrack full of 60s Hammond Organ Holiday inn lounge music. Gratuitous Xavier Cugat. Gratuitous necrophilia with a picture of mount Fuji on his Wall. Sex toy fun cocaine fun. Heroin fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Ryu Murakami the writer director for lines like Quot done to move a if the Needle Breaks you die and a a a Stop Means to keep on strangling and Quot this country drives its men into masochism out of anxiety and Miho Nikaido As the Hooker with a heart of Jelly for saying Quot in a at your disposal sir and a a in be discovered that i have no Talent a none whatsoever a those japanese. They re primitive but they re learning. Three stars. Joe Bob says Check it Bob s advice to the hopeless Victory Over communism the starlite drive in on East club Boulevard in Durham n.c., had another great season. Todd Wyatt of Bristol tenn., reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Dear Joe Bob i loved what you said about Freedom of speech a Freedom of speech period. No exceptions but hey pretty soon if we done to watch out we wont be Able to say anything cause anything we say will offend someone and that Isnit politically Correct a what a Bummer like Marge Schott a if she said dumb things a so what in be got a constitutional right and so does she to say any Goldann thing i want to you re my hero Joe Bob. Wanna go out for a Beer Susan Guastaferro Buffalo . Dear Susan free Marge Schott free Marge Schott i Kinda like the sound of that myself. Creator Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Boh or to gel free junk in the mail and his world famous newsletter the Joe boo Rood write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002. Owaiian Texas 75221. Joe Bob s fax line is always open 214 368-2310. Thanksgiving cold with Linda Ellerbee i was standing on the front porch. It was 2 of clock in the afternoon. Gold. Clear. Everything new England was supposed to be at this time of year. Except for Snow. There was no Snow Hadnot been any All weekend which was a shame because my Cousin Shirley really wanted to s be some Snow her brother my Cousin Billy did no to. Billy had once lived in Denver. He had he said seen his Snow. They were almost an hour gone now my Texas relatives a Shirley Billy Tom Alvin and Shirley and Toms son Tommy and his wife Dede a and 1 was still standing on the front porch. My House Felt very empty my heart Felt very full. We had been a close family when i was growing up. All our holidays were spent together. There were More of us then. Our parents were alive. So were their parents and there were uncles and aunts enough for everyone. I had loved those noisy Hoti Days together but we grew up. If they were loud our big family holidays so were our memories of them loud enough this year to have urged my cousins Billy and Shirley to bring their families a and their families a to our Small farmhouse in new England for a family thanksgiving. For five Days we cooked and ate often and Well. Shirley and Tom not trusting Yankee resources brought a smoked Turkey with them. A Texas Turkey. One night to defend my adopted part of the country i baked Beans for everybody Good sturdy new England Beans. It because we Are texans it goes without saying that some part of our weekend was spent watching football on television. It snowed All Over the Dallas team. In Dallas we believe it. We looked out the window but All we saw were Bright White new eng land stars. We drove the Berkshire Hills of Western Massachusetts so different from Texas Gulf coast that we might have been in another country perhaps on another planet. All those tidy Little farms. Neat Little gardens. Cute Little Black and White cows. Texas is Many things. Cute is not one of them. We talked All weekend. We teased one another told new jokes and old stories and remembered and we knew each of us that Given the same set of circumstances we would probably make the same choices in our lives probably still go our separate ways a but yes we missed what had been lost in those choices we had made missed a kind of closeness of family that can Only come from physical proximity. The kind of closeness our parents had. The kind of closeness wed had As children. The kind our children had not had. Would not have of sure there Are other ways a family can be close besides living near one another but they Are harder those other ways and much less certain. When they left we said we must do this More often. Then we said goodbye and i stood on the front porch and waved As they drove out of sight. I stood on the porch a very Long time. The next morning when i woke up everything was covered with Snow. And so it goes King future synd get december 12, 1993 sunday Page 21
