European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 06, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Miss manners Judith Martin dear miss manners when a Good Friend s wife had a miscarriage i thought about sending Flowers and then a fruit Basket. Later i wondered if that was appropriate. If this happened to me and someone sent me flow ers or a fruit Basket i think i would get More de pressed and feel As if i were at a funeral. I consid ered a card and then i thought this could be similar to a sympathy card and be even More depressing in a Case like this now would you show someone that you Are very sorry for what has happened and express your concern besides just saying you Are sorry gentle Reader what did you have in mind a Clown with balloons letters of sympathy and gestures such As sending Flowers or food Are prescribed by etiquette exactly so you do not have to do All that dangerous thinking. Miss manners knows you mean Well but apparently it is extremely difficult for others to guess the state of mind of people involved in tragedy and the re sults can be emotionally disastrous. Here you Are assuming that it would be your signs of sympathy that would depress your friends and suggest to them that the occasion was like a funeral. No what depresses them is the fact that they lost their baby which is indeed comparable to the bereavement associated with a funeral. The idea that they May have immediately gotten Over this and should therefore not be reminded that they suffered a loss is so wrong As to be ghastly. All you can do As a Friend is offer the Comfort of showing that you care through the conventional Means of saying so outright and through the Stan Dard symbolism of sending Flowers. Do not try to out think the traditions associated with etiquette in order to be original. Sympathy is what is wanted not creativity. Failing to do this will not allow them to forget but it will rather suggest to them that others Are indifferent to their feelings. Dear miss manners my gentleman Friend and i both enjoy our food when dining in restau rants but he being much bigger than i am enjoys More food. The result is that i am usually finished with my filet mignon and baked potato when he is still Only Halfway done with his King s Cut prime rib to be Fol Lowed by Turtle pie or some other elaborate dessert. I already eat As slowly As i can without looking like an affected Nin Nyhammer so my alternatives seem to basically i take from the Rich database and give to the poor  be to stare at him As he eats or to eat More food my self though i am already full. Can you suggest some polite activity in which i can engage myself while waiting for my dinner partner to catchup gentle Reader Why Are you dining with this gentleman if you have nothing to say to him and Why is anyone who would use such a wonder Ful word As Nin Nyhammer not seizing every Opportunity to babble uninterrupted miss manners notes As the gentleman s Mouth would be firmly sealed around his portion of Turtle pie ? conversation is in fact the chief reason that polite people Dine in company nourishment running Only a Distant although perhaps intensely satisfying second. Dear miss manners i have been trying to teach my two Young grandsons a few of the graces i was taught at the dinner table encouraging them to use the right knife Fork etc., in the Correct order and to Lay the Napkin on the chair if one is coming Back to the table As in Buffet dining or to leave it on the table if one is not. They insist that i am making up rules As i go along and that these Are not really etiquette. Gentle Reader of they do do they miss manners suggests that you Challenge them to put Down exactly what they believe the rules of etiquette to be. You will either conclude the argument or end up with a Nice Little Rule Book that you can use to throw in their faces when they violate its tenets. But As never insinuate that your grandparents Don t know what they Are talking about is a non negotiable Rule they Are going to have a hard time of it. Dear miss manners what is the proper address for sending birthday and Holiday cards to a 4 year old child who lives with her Mother and step father who have Legal custody but who regularly visits her father who lives in the same City ? i have three children by a prior marriage and As a matter of etiquette would like to know whether it is proper for those three children to Send cards to their sister by a second marriage at the sister s residence or to my residence. Gentle Reader the matter of etiquette Here is a firm although constantly violated Rule against of Fering the children of divorce choices in their every Day lives that seem to be symbolic of loyalty toward one Parent or another. Mail is sent to the address at which the recipient is Likely to be reached. Miss manners sees no objection in your elder children writing their sister at your House provided that is a speedy Way to get her let ters to her. But she will countenance no attempt to declare that it is proper that the distribution of mail be made according to blood lines. United feature Syndicate feeling incorrect address your etiquette questions in Black or Blue Black Ink on White writing paper to miss manners . Box 91428, Cleveland Ohio 44101-3428. The Quill shortage prevents miss Man ners from answering questions except through this column. So remember Send in absolutely no Money and we will Send you absolutely  growing up but not growing out of childhood disease Erma Bombeck grown children Call their mothers when they re out of work out of love or out of Money. There s one other moment when they Are breathless to hear mom s voice when they be been exposed to a childhood disease. Recently Kevin Johnson a Point guard for the Phoenix suns was diagnosed with Chicken pox. He had been on the Road with the team during the incubation period. There s no doubt in my mind the entire staff and team raced to dial their mothers asking have i Ever had Chicken pox it s something mothers Are supposed to remember. It s a womb thing. A child has such importance that his every move and spoken word is entered into a Mother s mental computer. I have few things in my memory Bank. Other than the year Columbus discovered America i Haven t a clue who did what when. That is because for a period of is years of so our House looked like the Atlanta Hospital in gone with the wind. All the rashes began to look alike. We had no friends or social life. My Mother would cover her face drop off a pot of soup outside our front door Knock and run away. All of the childhood diseases sort of ran together for me. Now when a child Calls and asks if he Ever had measles i just try to associate a Date with some thing significant. Anything. What dog did we have when the Daylight Hurt your eyes a firstborn will have every breath recorded in a baby Book. Indulging parents have been known to write upset Tummy in calligraphy followed by the Date. We All know what happens to the children who follow. There is Only one Date that really stands out in my mind. On a wednesday morning at 7 30 . In March 1951,1 awoke with the mumps. I was a newlywed at the time. Some things you never forget. Universal press Syndicate no kidding auditioned but weren t seriously considered 1. Shelley Long for Marilu Henner s role taxi 2. Charles Hai Tony Danza s role taxi 3. Jeff Hunter Bob Reed s role the Brady Bunch 4. Penny Marshall Sally Struthers role All in the family 5. Johnny Carson Dick Van Dyke s role the Dick Van Dyke show. World features Syndicate unusual endorsements linked to legends 1. Malcolm x and for dangers of smoking 2. James Dean for embroidery kit 3. Buddy Holly and for Iowa lottery 4. Humphrey Bogart the Casablanca Cookbook 5. Babe Ruth for wallpaper Border the use of their names and images was approved by their estates. Curtis management group Page 10 sunday february 6, 1994