European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 06, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Dos the win. Not to mention co Fig thesis Dave Barry Epple often say to me Dave As a professional columnist you have a Job that re quires you to process Large quantities of in formation on a timely basis. Why Don t you get a real haircut what these people Are really asking is How am i Able to produce columns with such a High de Gree of accuracy Day in and Day out 54 weeks per year the answer is i use a computer. This enables me to be highly efficient. Suppose for example that i need to fill up column space by writing Booger Booger Booger Booger Booger. To accomplish this in the old precomputed Days i would have had to Type Booger five times manually. But now All i have to do is Type it once then simply hold the left hand mouse Button Down while dragging the mouse so that the cursor moves Over the text that i wish to select then release the left hand mouse Button and position the cursor Over the edit heading on the menu bar then Click the left hand mouse Button to reveal the edit menu then position the cursor Over the copy command then Click the left hand mouse Button then move the cursor to the Point where i wish to insert the selected text then Click the left hand mouse Button then position the cursor Over the edit heading on the menu bar again then Click the left hand mouse Button to reveal the edit menu then position the cursor Over the paste command then Click the left hand mouse Button four times and then As the French say Viva literally my hand hurts if you need this kind of efficiency in your life you should get a computer. I recommend the kind i have which is a Dos computer Dos is an acronym meaning rom. The other major kind of computer is the Apple which i do not recommend be cause it is a wuss of Rama new age computer that you basically just plug in and use. This Means you Don t get to participate in the most entertaining aspect of computer owning which is trying to get the computer to work. This is where Dos really shines. It is Way beyond Normal human comprehension it was invented by Bill Gates. He is now one of the wealthiest individuals on Earth wealthier than Queen Elizabeth wealthier even than some people who fix car transmissions and do you want to know Why because he s the Only person in the world who understands  every Day he gets frantic phone Calls like this business executive our entire worldwide corporate accounting system is paralysed and no matter what we Type into the computer it replies who wants to know signed Dos " Bill Gates a a i mean sounds pretty serious. Business executive Well give you $17 Mil lion to Tell us How to fix it. Bill Gates of. Press the mum lock key business executive so that s what that thing does thanks the Check is on the Way my current computer in addition to Dos has windows which is another invention of Bill Gates designed As a Security measure to thwart those users who Are somehow Able to get past  you have to be a real stud Hombre Caber muffin to handle  i have spent countless hours trying to get my computer to perform even the most Basic data processing functions such As letting me play f-117a stealth fighter on it. I have person ally with my Bare hands changed my  and  settings. This May not mean much to you but Trust me it is a major data process ing accomplishment. Albert Einstein died without Ever doing it. Wait a minute were his last words. It erased my equation it was a equals something i am not the Only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. There Are millions of others. I know this because i encounter them on the internet which is a giant International network of intelligent informed computer enthusiasts by which i mean people without  we Don t care. We have each other on the internet. Geek Pride that is our motto. While you Are destroying your mind watching the worthless brain rotting drivel on to Dave s world monday nights lbs Check your local listings we on the in ternet Are exchanging freely and openly the most uninhibited intimate and yes shocking details about our  settings. You would not believe How wrought up we get about this Type of thing on the internet. I regularly connect with a computer group that has a heated de Bate going on about i am not making this Issue up the timing of Hewlett Packard s decision to up Grade from a 386 to a 486 microprocessor in its of Nabook computer. This has aroused enormous Pas Sion. People some of them from other continents Are sending snide angry sometimes furious Mes sages to each other. I m sure that some participants even As we speak Are trying to figure out if there is a Way to alter their  settings so that they can electronically punch their opponents in the Mouth. This debate has been raging soap opera like for months now and i have become addicted to it. I tune in every Day to see what the leading charac ters Are saying. You probably think this is weird but i Don t care. I am a Happy nerd in cyberspace where nobody can see my haircut. V. " thelmam Herald by Vuk a o is i -.,._ a j,--r.,  t 5u, i Page 28 sunday february 6, 1994