European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 06, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Nerds Boring themselves into drawn out lives Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in Oring nerds live longer. They just proved this scientifically. They finished a big project that started in the Early 1920s. The inventor of the in test selected these 1,178 boys and girls checked out How cheerful and adventurous they were and then interviewed pm regularly Over the next 70 years to see what happened to the Smily optimistic ones compared to the Grouchy negative ones. And guess what the Grumpy ones that never go anywhere or do anything live a lot longer and the ones who Are neat and orderly and really anal about everything live longer too. You know who Dies people who have fun. Out going boisterous Friendly Active people. Remember How your parents used to say be cheerful be Nice to other people be helpful to people and they la be helpful to you remember your Basic Parent advice to always go around Smil ing no matter How Bady Zufelt Well it kills you. It destroys you. Once again mom was wrong. But i m not so sur prised. I be always been aware of this Ever since my Friend Chubb Fricke oldest living professional Bowler gave me his advice for Long life Many years ago. Don t give a flip Chubb said. That s the whole if you Don t give a flip about anything Don t give a flip about your Job John Ryan pizza face and Joe Lara pretty boy face in american cyborg steel Warrior. Your family politics sex food if you Flat just Don t give a flip then you la live to be a Hun nerd and four. It s those people that worry about stuff All the time that kick off at 50. Let s say you did live to be 120. I m sure people would be impressed but i Don t think they d actually Wanna spend much time with you. I hate to Tell these scientists that they just wasted 70 years of research but i m afraid this information is not Worth diddly squat. Speaking of Bull stuff theories the latest one from Hollywood is that every Sci i movie has to have a terminator clone in it or else nobody will watch. This is totally bogus. Every Sci i movie has to have at least two terminator clones in it or else nobody will watch. That s How we ended up with american cyborg steel Warrior one of those International shot in is Rael Weir Beard trash dump futuristic actors run Ning through the sewers sort of deals with a James Earl Jones soundalike narrator and a lot of cannibals and mutants rampaging through the streets in full body Gross out makeup. Nicole Hansen is carrying a live fetus around in a Backpack yes that s what i said and she has Only 36 hours to make it 10 Miles to the port where a boat will come take the fetus to Europe and Hatch it in a place where there Are still a few human beings left who Don t have any fungus growing on their faces. Unfortunately she s being chased by an indestructible robot killing machine with an automatic Rifle and a computer guided targeting system in his bionic eyeballs. Fortunately she runs into a Long haired bodybuilder cyborg named Austin who thinks she s Kinda cute. Nine Hundred and forty seven gun Battles later All three of pm end up in the Waist deep surf rooting around for the fetus in a Jar which is floating on the surface like a dead Carp. Obviously we have the first right to life Sci i flick and it s a Drozic. Sixty four dead bodies. Homeless abuse. Body car ving. Knife through the hand. Transmission dropped on a Guy s head. Knife in the neck. Killer transvestite. Flaming extras. Literal acid rain. Arm sewing. Eyeball mutilation. Exploding cyborg. Gratuitous radioactive cannibals. Gratuitous Mummy attack. Fin Gers Roll. Arms Roll. Kung fun. Lead pipe fun. Electrified Fence fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for John Ryan As the cyborg cop with a Nail sticking out of his Finger a literal Fingernail and Joe Lara As the Good Guy cyborg for saying i m what you Call a realist the Only real thing is stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe Bob s advice to the hopeless Victory Over communism the Stateline drive in in Elizabethton tenn., has reopened again this sea son to record crowds proving that no drive in stays dead unless we let it stay dead. Todd Wyatt of Bris Tol reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Dear Joe Bob Briggs you Are right about almost everything. You Are dead wrong about cats. The Triumph of the feline Over the canine in the affections of pet lovers is proof of the purity and maturity of the american people. Consider dogs slobber cats Donot. Dogs poop and pee everywhere cats use neat Little boxes. Dogs supplied with Large amounts of food by owners who want to get away for a few Days will eat them selves into sickness or death cats left Home alone carefully ration their Foo stocks. Dogs bark cats purr and meow. Dog sounds Are offensive cat sounds Are Sweet. Dogs demand con Stant attention cats re Spect their owners privacy. Dogs bestow their affections indiscriminately cats return affections Only when held by the Back of the neck As their mothers once grabbed them. Cats respect family values dogs do not. Dogs Bury Bones sometimes interfering with Hom Icide investigations cats Don t. Dogs eat offal cats never do. Dogs have bad breath cats do not open their Mouths whilst breathing on you. With their willing submission to authority and dominance dogs Are perfect pets for communists. Cats Independent As Washington Jefferson and . Morgan reflect All that is Best about capital ism and America if you truly cherish Victory Over communism Joe Bob you will now shift gears condemn dogs and Praise cats. Ned Hopkins Oakland Ned cats Are not capitalist americans. Cats come from the land of the shiite muslims. That s Why they re terrorists. To discuss the meaning of a with Joe Bob or to get his world famous newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs . To 2002, Dallas Texas 75221. Joe Bob s tax line is always open 214 368-2310. Creators Syndicate inner City conflict with curfews Linda Ellerbee cars ago Dorothy Parker wrote that the Best Way to keep children at Home was to make the Home atmosphere pleasant and let the air out of the tires the com missioners in Dade county fla., have another idea. They passed a curfew Law two weeks ago. It was since they apparently found themselves unable to change the atmosphere in enough Homes to make a difference their Way of letting the air out of the tires. Dade county which includes Miami is not the first Community to try to curfew but until recently such Laws usually have been found by the courts to be unconstitutional. That changed last year in dal Las when a Federal appeals court upheld the local curfew ordinance. Since then Hartford Buffalo and Phoenix have passed curfew Laws of their own. ,1 am a Liberal who is not consistent. For instance i think a curfew Law is probably a Good idea. That is think a 14-year-old has Little business roaming the streets at Midnight. Kid would be better off at Home but. That May have to do with the fact i m a Par ent. however most curfew Laws Are doomed not be cause they Are unfair of course they re unfair that what makes them so appealing to parents or unconstitutional which they probably Are since they most Likely violate both your right of free Assembly and your right to due process but because they Are unenforceable. They do not work. Take Dade county. Here we have people trying to do the right thing by the Community and the kids. A curfew will protect people they say. Especially the Young they say. And when you consider that Accord ing to the Justice department 1.7 million children were the victims of personal crimes last year and 2.4 million children committed crimes last year you must agree that protecting the kids and the Community seems like a Fine idea. But the commissioners of Dade county also want to be fair. After All some kids under 16 surely must have legitimate reasons to be out past 11 at night. That is How they reasoned. And so they added a few piddling exceptions. Teens who work Are excepted. So Are teens participating in Church activities. And teens participating in school activities. And of course teens participating in civic activities. The last one is my favorite. Does it mean that if a 15-year-old is out canvassing for some politician say a county commissioner he does t have to obey the curfew Law and that brings up the ugly Issue of racism which Many people think is the real Issue with curfews that they re a Way for cops to sweep High crime make that read minority neighbourhoods. If you truly want a curfew if you truly believe that nothing else will work then pass a curfew Law that says if you re under 16 and you re out of the House past 11 at night you d better be on the Way to the emergency room. Period. No other exceptions. Or pass no curfew Law at All. But then you re Back to trying to get parents to do something about their kids like care about where they Are at night. For some parents this is simply too much to ask. And so it goes. King features Syndicate february 6,1994 sunday Page 21
