European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 13, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Leave it to beavers to create news bites Dave Barry today s topic and we wish to stress that this has nothing whatsoever to do with the Clinton administration is beavers in the news. Here at the Center for being alarmed we have been monitoring the Beaver situation for More than two years now and we feel that the time has come to Alert you the Public to what is going on so that you can take appropriate action in the form of whimpering in terror. Let s review the sequence of events bearing in mind that we Are not making any of these events up they All were reported in actual newspaper items sent in by Many Alert readers. We will Start with 1992, when wildlife authorities in Chelmsford mass., in an Effort to control the burgeoning local Beaver population decided to have a team of veterinarians give them the beavers Vasec Tomies. The new Haven Register stated the Bea vers will be enticed with tasty bark to swim into traps female beavers will be released but males will be held and  at this Point the question you Are asking yourself is How does the new Haven Register know the bark is tasty Trust me it knows. It is staffed by journalism professionals. Anyway while authorities in Chelmsford were Vas a atomizing male beavers authorities in Colorado were attempting to implant norplant contraceptive devices in female beavers. This Effort was covered extensively in the Denver. Post and the Rocky Mountain news which at one Point ran this head line beavers get norplant while women wait in line. The highlight of this Effort occurred when wildlife authorities invited the press to a Denver veterinary Hospital to witness the first Beaver implant which was to be performed by or. David Robinson. Every thing was ready the cameras were rolling and the sedated Beaver was on the operating table breathing aesthetic Gas through a Little Cone Over its snout. Robinson wearing a rubber Glove you Don t want to take any chances not with your modern sexually Active Beaver made one final examination and then announced it s a  the news published a wonderful photograph of this event showing Robinson with his arms around the Beaver groping his the Beaver s private Region looking concerned. The problem with beavers is their sexual organs Are drawn Way up inside their body cavities explained Robinson in a statement that will elicit Strong Beaver envy from any male human who was Ever peddling a bicycle had when the Chain broke. Now we move to 1993, during which the following news items were published we Are still not making any of this up the Spokane Wash spokesman review reported that a Beaver chewed through a 100-foot tree which fell on a passing Wood Chip truck causing about $2,000 damage. The review reported the Driver and police were laughing Over the incident with jokes flying about the Beaver ambushing the truck in order to get at the tantalizing Wood  the associated press reported on a lawsuit in Chippewa Falls wis., resulting from an incident wherein a Beaver chewed through a tree causing it to fall on a Fence allowing Holstein heifers to escape from a pasture and wander onto some Railroad  eight heifers were killed by a train. The Winnipeg Canada free press reported that a 71-year-old outdoors Man was sitting on the tailgate of his pickup truck when he Felt a Sharp pain he looked Down reported the free press and realized a Large Beaver had sunk its Teeth into his left  fortunately and let this be a lesson to those who would limit the rights of citizens to keep and Bear hockey Sticks the Man had a hockey stick. He beaded the Beaver several times until it clamped on to his hockey stick with its Teeth stated the free press. We received one other extremely alarming Beaver report in 1993, but we Are too tasteful to mention it Here because it involved an incident on the brute River in Wisconsin wherein a Beaver gnawed through a tree in such a Way that it landed in a fatal manner on a canoeist. So the pattern is Clear the beavers Are striking Back. Perhaps you Are not concerned about this. Per haps you live in an Urban area and think you re Safe from attack. Perhaps you Are a fool. Consider the following item from the dec. 15,1990, instalment of the syndicated feature Triphy s believe it or not in the 1950s, beavers were dropped by Parachute in California to build dams in areas threatened by erosion that s right beavers can be dropped from air planes. They could land anywhere. And please do not be so naive As to try to Tell us that the govern ment would not do such a thing. The government and we say this As a Loyal taxpaying citizen is completely out of its mind. The government is perfectly capable of suddenly deciding to drop mass quantities of beavers on Urban areas especially if an economist suggests that this might create jobs. So that is the situation. Nobody is Safe. What can you do you can be on constant Alert. You can re fuse to sleep and constantly Dart your eyes around in a nervous manner. You can carry a hockey stick at All times even to work. Perhaps your co workers will laugh. Perhaps your Boss will want to have a word with you. Perhaps he will beg like a yellow dog for your help when he feels the chomp of doom on his ankle. The Miami Herald to a a Page 28 sunday february 13, 1994