European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 14, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Shakespeare at least still offers fat jokes Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive int Here s always some girl who wants you to go to Shakespeare in the Park right we fall for this every year right Guys and then when we get there it s always 30 Guys from Juilliard and Yale slithering around in Green leotards and rattling off iambic pentameter snoot music like they love the sound of their own voices and if you re Lucky it s Kevin Kline in Green leotards but no matter what happens it s always this great meeting place where women drag men to sit in the extreme heat and try to listen to the most complicated poetry Ever written. Through a Beer Haze who thought this up anyhow it s like saying let s put on a basketball game but make the audience members hang upside Down from the rafters if they Wanna watch Here s the Complete audience reaction at a performance of Shakespeare in the Park wha d he say of Don t wha d the second Guy say that was great fabulous come on let s give pm a standing ovation there s Hope for the future though. Last week i went to this Shakespeare in the Park put on by the Joseph Papp Public theater which some of you might know is the most Politi Cally Correct theater in Don t do anything unless it has at least one filipino lesbian handicapped rights activist in it. And Here s what i thought was encouraging half the play was fat jokes Good old fashioned fat jokes from the merry wives of Windsor just the Way Shakespeare wrote pm. They did t change pm at All. There Are stand up comics who won t even do fat jokes anymore. I be had fat jokes censored from my Cable to show. And Here in Shakespeare in the Park you have like so fat jokes in one show and nobody says a word. No body gets upset. And they were damned funny. Fat is still funny. See Shakespeare knew this. We can learn from the classier a. Speaking of timeless themes there s nothing like topless bimbos being hosed Down on a parking lot to illustrate Aristotle s theory of poetics. And that s what we have in the form of Bikini drive in the lat est Effort from a movie Genius Fred Olen Ray the Man whose motto is if we leave the camera there Long enough something is bound to newcomer Ashlie Rhey stars As a Bikini Beach girl who inherits her Grandfather s drive in and has to raise $25,000 in two nights to keep it from going bankrupt arid falling into the hands of an evil mobster played by the legendary David Friedman master producer of Nudie films in the Early 60s. Ashley Rhey right and three other Southern californians surrender in Bikini drive in. Thirty four breasts. Multiple aardvark ing. Gratuitous hot tubing. Man in a cheesy Lizard suit. Sorority Hose Down. Gratuitous topless dancing at a radio station. Slapstick fun. Drive in Academy award nomination for Sarah Bellomo As the big breasted Best Friend for saying How can you to this Tome i gave you the Best three months of my life two stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe Bob s advice to the hopeless Victory Over acts of god the Clinton drive in theatre on route 54 East in Clinton 111., reopened after the screen was blown Down in a storm about a year ago. The first night featured a double feature of House Sitter arid straight talk at the bargain rate of $3.50. Mack Spencer of Dallas reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Hey Joe Bob used the drive thru versa Teller at my Bank yester Day. It has braille buttons for the visually impaired. Scary thought he Bill Mozley Pollock Pines Calif. Dear Bill do the tellers Ever say no really it s a Hundred Dollar Bill dear Joe Bob i am sending a letter to the three men i consider the moral bulwark of Western civilization Billy Gra Ham the Pope and you. I turned 40 and still Haven t made the sign of the 11-fingered howling Monkey. In other words i m a Virgin. I m not a homely sexual in fact i m not Home by at All. Everything is in great working order if you know what i mean and i think you do. I be been told to save it for marriage. Joe Bob rather than saving should i be investing Les Moore san Diego dear Les this is something i be never done before but i. Think this is a special Case. I m sending you ugly on a stick s phone number. You Are in dire need of an extremely experienced woman who will make you feel totally Superior. You might not enjoy this at first but believe me you la thank me later. Dear or. Joe Bob i received a letter the other Day from the pot of Gold at the end of the Rainbow chapter of the National Organiza Tion for women who Are perpetually ticked the letter said that it had been reported to them that my consciousness was too Low. Recently revised Stan Dards of the Federal consciousness leveling administration required a level of at least 74 inches for White males Over 40 who drive four wheelers and own handguns. It said i was to report immediately to have my consciousness raised or my head lowered i called my lawyer and he said he was married and that constituted a conflict of interest and besides he had decided to specialize in defending his Mal practice suits. He said to Call you. You re my last Hope. Does consciousness raising Hurt what if i get in touch with my feminine Side and i like it and can t Stop touching it is it too late to join the Navy Allister Mort main Irving Texas dear Allister it s never too late to join the Navy. Just Don t even of a pfc about touching one of those lady sailors though. That s a Good Way to lose a Finger. Creators Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob or to get free junk in the mail and his world famous newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002, Dallas Texas 75221. Joe Bob s fax line is always open 214 368-2310, . Simpson and the Issue of might makes right Linda Ellerbee i everywhere you turn right now there arc stories about spousal abuse. Oprah s doing them. Geraldo s doing them though not As Well mind you. You Sec these stories on Larry King and in the enquirer. They re All Over talk radio. They re on the front Page of your newspaper and on the nightly news. They re in the Wall Street journal for Good Ness Sakes. It s fair to say that the closet door on spousal abuse in America has by in blown off its hinges by of. Simpson. Perhaps we Are not the people we think we arc. Consider this Stanley Green is a 42-year-old unemployed transportation Engineer who lives in Washington state. Green says he was beaten by his wife. Green says people Don t believe him when he tells them this. He says he called the police and when they came the police refused to take a report. He also says that when he called battered women s shelters they refused to help him. Murray Straus is co director of the University of new Hampshire s family research Laboratory. He conducted National surveys in 1975,1985 and 1992, in which he found that men Are just As Likely to be victims of Domestic violence As women. His studies remain controversial partly because the results Are not reflected by National crime statistics. According to Justice department figures women report an an Nual average of 572,082 spousal abuse cases. Men re port an average of 48,983. Some will Tell you that men Are even More loathe than women to report being beaten because society not to mention a cop is sure to question the very manhood of any Guy who says help me my wife slapped me this May be so i suspect it is and although some feminists May not agree i believe those men deserve our sympathy and sup port. They arc in a bad spot and the answer is not to be found in telling the Guy hey hit her Back harder the truth is that women like it or not can be Bru Tal too. Some women do hit men just like some. Women in lesbian relationships hit women and some men in homosexual relationships beat up on men. Brutality s not sexist. But the More prevailing truth is this in cases of Domestic violence women arc More Likely to be Hutt worse than men which has to do mostly with size. Soon after it was revealed that of. Simpson had pled no contest to Healing his former wife Nicole 1 spoke with my daughter about the subject and she said i should be careful not make too much of a Man woman thing of this. She said it was t so Sim ple As saying that in America it was of to beat up on your wife. The sad fact she said was that in America it was of for the powerful to beat up on the less powerful. It happened to women. It could happen to men. It happened to children All the time. We were she said a nation that believed bigger was always better and that bigger had higher rights including the right to hit what was smaller. It was not she said one of Pur endearing traits. True but when watching the talk shows and read ing the newspaper articles about spousal abuse this summer it is Good to remember. Andson goes King features Syndicate August j 4. 1994 sunday Page 19
