European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 16, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                T first lady comes in second to the fun stuff Dave Barry Iam not one to drop names but i was recently invited to a private luncheon with Hillar Rodham Clinton first lady of the whole entire United  is True. I got the invitation from mrs. Clinton s office and i said that Heck yes i would go. I will frankly admit that i was excited. Mrs. Clinton would be the most important Federal human with whom i have Ever privately luncheon de. I did once attend a dinner with Richard Dick Cheney when he was the Secretary of defense under president George Herbert Walker Bush but that was not a one on one situation. That was at the cartoonists dinner at the Washington Post an annual event wherein political cartoonists get a Chance to come out from behind their drawing boards and in an informal setting with High level Federal officials make fools of themselves. At least that s what Gener ally happens Lam not one to generalize but cartoonists As a group exhibit a level of social sophistication generally associated with pie fights. In High school when the future lawyers were campaigning for class president the future cartoonists were painstakingly altering illustrations in their his tory books so that Robert a Lee appeared to be performing an illegal act with his horse. So the cartoonists dinner usually provides enter Taining interaction Between cartoonists and Washington dignitaries such As the time a couple of years ago when a cartoonist doing a Heartfelt impersonation of Elvis in concert giving away a Cadillac hurled a set of car keys behind his Back through the air directly into the forehead of the wife of a Cabinet offi Cial she took this graciously but you. Could Tell that henceforth she was going to stick to cartoonist free gatherings. As a maturity impaired individual i have had the Honor of being invited to the cartoonists dinner on several occasions which As i mentioned is How i came to meet Dick Cheney. I actually met him about six times. You know those situations where you have consumed a few unnecessary Beers and think you re being the funniest thing on two feet whereas in fact you re just being stupid this was one of those situations. We were mingling before dinner and for Rea sons that i cannot explain now whenever i encountered Cheney which was fairly often because this was a smallish room i d thrust out my hand and say i Dick Dave Barry there he was the Secretary of defense probably trying to think about the per Sian Gulf and every 45 seconds he was shaking hands with the same grinning Moron. It s a Good thing i did t have car keys. But humiliating yourself in front of the Secretary of defense As impressive As it is is not on a Par with being invited to a private luncheon with the first lady. I was especially eager to share my views on health care assuming i could think some up. Also i wanted to find out what it was like to be a first lady. Once at a dinner i sat next to a very funny first lady of a Large state that shall remain nameless. She told me that she and some other governors wives had once come up with the idea of getting life size smiling photographs of themselves and mounting them on pieces if cardboard to be used As portable first la Dies. Thus the real first lady could have a Jfe while the portable one would be carried around to political events and propped up behind the governor. That s All they really need to represent us the governor s wife told me because a.11 we Ever do is stand there arid smile and they introduce the Gover nor and then they say and Here is his Lovely wife that s what they always say Here is his Lovely wife even if she is actually a  so we see that first ladies can be pretty entertain ing and i was fired up about my impending lunch Eon with mrs. Clinton. We had set a Date and a time and everything seemed set until mrs. Clinton s staff person Lisa Caputo informed me that the luncheon was going to be off the  i asked what that meant. Mrs. Clinton would like to meet you Caputo said. This is a Chance for you to get together and have a Good time. But you can t write about  my Crest fell when i heard those words because i knew i could not accept this restriction. I am a professional journalist and if i m going to have lunch Eon with one of this nation s most powerful political figures then i feel a deep moral obligation to pro vide you my readers with an irresponsible and highly distorted account of it. I explained this to Caputo but it was no use either the luncheon had to be off the record or there would be no luncheon. So there was no luncheon. I think this is a shame because i bet it would have been a fun occasion possibly culminating if we really hit it off in my showing the first lady How to make comical hand noises. So in closing i want to say mrs. Clinton if you re Reading this i sincerely appreciate the invitation and i m sorry it did t work out and some Day i Hope we can sit Down and have fun on the record and if it would make you feel More comfortable you re certainly Welcome to also invite you know who. Dick Cheney Miami Herald v Page 28 sunday october 16,1994