European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 06, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                And draw More awards Liuia Safire on language irae once again for the Loopie awards recognition of Madison Avenue sole isms that sends thrills of schadenfreude through the ranks of advertising copywriters. We begin with the least important award for the most egregious abuse of the comma push the envelope please we have a five Cray tie or quintuple dead heat a racing fans say. Lbs erred in a pot for the minis Ries Scarlett. That i  Cone with the wind but lbs says Ted Turner s outfit which own that film won t let lbs use the title in is ads this column however is keenly aware of its first Amend ment rights the network printed on screen frankly my dear i Don t give a  i the lbs line has no comma after the sentence adverb frankly although the gone with the wind screenplay has it with the comma and an exclamation Mark to Boot frankly my dear i Don t give a Damn in direct address the name or its substitute Asin my dear must be set off by commas. Toyota also made a mistake with this line to us a successful business should t just try to make a profit it should try to make a difference As  that s a comma splice two Complete sentences in correctly joined by a comma. Toyota could have used a semicolon after profit orput a period after that word and started a new sentence or added a con Junction profit but it should try catching Toyota on the test track turn is Mer cedes Benz with its technologically speaking it had no rivals. Even standing still the s 320 easily leaves other cars  both technologically speaking and even standing still Are used As introductory participial phrases that cry out for punctuation to separate them from their sentences main thoughts. Also nothing in the first sentence has Todo with speaking and the result is a dangling modifier it should read technologically it had no rivals or technologically speaking we Are sure it had no  not to be outdone by foreign rivals the Ford Citi Bank credit card in conjunction with Hertz and Tex Aco offers an ungrammatical rebate to apply see your Ford or Lincoln Mercury  an introductory infinitive phrase like to apply or to sunup a whopping Bill  a comma to separate it fro the main clause. V fifth entry is the coca cola company in collaboration with Franklin heirloom dolls authorizes their first Ever heirloom collector  the comma after dolls requires a balancing comma after company you could get away with no commas at All but if you re going to Start Down the Coffma Road in this instance you need both. And now we come to the most horrendous sole cism of 1994, submitted by Thomas Luskin of Bay Side . By virtue of the prestige of the sponsors it is the super Loopie. It goes to 87 Nobel laureates in chemistry economics literature Medicine physics and peace who signed an and titled a Call to reason in sup port of measures to control population growth. The survival of Mankind and of the Earth which sustains All of us Are in serious jeopardy it begins and is proudly signed by wreathed worthies from Christian Anfinsen to Geoffrey Wilkinson. Linus Pauling signed it too though he is dead. Let us not nitpick about Mankind sword embracing male and female that is being replaced by Humankind. And there Are those who will let the Nobel laureates get away with the which when that is better to introduce a dependent clause not set off by com Mas. No the inescapable Root problem Here is subject verb disagreement. The simple subject is survival. That takes the sing ular verb is. Everything Between the word survival and the verb is Falls in the Domain of prepositional phrases not part of the subject of the sentence. Only if the subject had been repeated the survival of Mankind and the survival of the Earth could you correctly use the plural Are. Newyork times ballooning fears that make you stay grounded Tony Kornheiser perhaps you be glanced up at the sky an seen 130 feet of snoopy cruising along placidly. That would be snoopy of the me life Blimp. I could have been on it. 1 got invited but i politely declined in the following manner i in formed the kindly corporate person offering me the ride that i would sooner Swallow a Beach umbrella so Only the handle was protruding from my Mouth open up the umbrella All the Way and then suspend myself by the handle from a chandelier where i would thus Dangle until i died. 1 i am afraid to Fly in air planes. Why on Earth would t Fly in a Blimp let alone a Blimp featuring a huge likeness of snoopy. I cannot think of a worse death than crashing to Earth in a tiny Gondola in _ do Neath a giant grinning Beagle who is wearing Avi Ator glasses and a Scart How about being spanked to death by William Shatner. Of that. Then the snoopy thing. Fear of flying is a terrible thing. It affects your whole life. It even ruined my athletic career. I could have been a professional basketball player. You were afraid of travelling with the team ? travelling with the team i was afraid of going up for rebounds. Rim shot confessed to my Friend Gino my fear about the Blimp crashing and he said blimps Don t crash. What about the Hindenburg i said. Just Basel Switzerland that did t crash he said it exploded like a thermonuclear device. Tah silly me. The Hindenburg was not a Blimp but a Zeppelin he explained and i had a sudden vision of a vengeful god getting even for stairway to heaven then he launched into this technical explanation about How the Hindenburg used Hydrogen from which fusion bombs Are made and that blimps use helium which makes you talk like Truman capote. He said Hydrogen is unstable and explodes kind of like Dennis Hopper whereas helium is very stable and does t do anything kind of like George Bush. He said maybe he could talk me through my fears. What specifically was i afraid of crashing i said. It can t possibly crash he said. It is lighter than air. If it is lighter than air Why would t it simply float away forever Why would t we go straight tip to the Moon. Or wherever All those balloons go that slip out of your kids hands five seconds after you buy them really if it s lighter thai air How the hell does it get Down everyone on Board is asked to eat a Corn dog Gino said so they gain weight. Of smart Guy i said. What if the Gondola falloff. -.--. R the Gondola has never fallen off he said. When you get into a car do you ask what if the seat Falls through the floorboard and i get dragged along the Highway on my behind and my body is ground up into Road chum and All that is left is my head and neck. I told Gino i was afraid that the thingies on the Back of the balloon the Little tie like they have on garbage bags would come undone and the helium would whoosh out the Back and the met life snoopy balloon would Dart around madly until it totally deflated in four seconds and crashed to Earth looking pretty much like a condom. At this Point Gino excused himself saying he Hadan appointment for a heart transplant. I needed to talk to a Blimp expert. So i phoned met life the irony was not lost on me that i was talking to a life insurance company about my chances of survival on a Blimp and i spoke with the director of Blimp promotions. I imagined a Gary Larson like business card with a picture of Rosearine watching a sign Painter Cross out vice president and paint president on her door the Gondola Ever fall off i asked. .no.-.  /. Do you serve food on the flight no. I la bet the Mcdonald s Blimp does drinks no. I la bet the Budweiser Blimp does. \ is there a movie no. I la bet the Fuji Blimp hoes this was not for me. The Only Blimp i will go on will be the Kornheiser Blimp. The Kornheiser Blimp would t have that idiot snoopy on the outside. It would have a picture of Gino s dog Clementine puking up a Squirrel. Inside would be an All you can eat Buffet featuring huge sausage like things in some of that thick yellow tur key Gravy and every drink from Birch Beer to Dom Perignon. It would have a Jacuzzi a Bowling Alley with automatic pin setters and a 150-Yard Par three Hole. R and it would be waa aay too heavy to get off the ground. Creators Syndicate Page 24sunday november 6, 1994