European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 06, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Little rhyme or reason in this poetry Dave Barry recently i got a very Nice computer generated letter from an outfit Call the National Library of poetry. Dear Dave the letter begins. Over the past year or so we have been review ing the thousands of poems submitted to us As Well As examining the poetic accomplishments of people whose poetry has been featured in various anthologies released by other poetry publishers. After an exhaustive examination of this poetic artistry the National Library of poetry has decided to publish a collection of new poems written by the Best poets we have encountered. I am pleased to Tell you Dave that you have been selected to appear in Thi special edition Best poems of 1995 the Poni which you will submit for this edition has been accepted for publication sight unseen on the basis of your previous poetic a  you talk about feeling honoured. It s not every Day that a person who does not technically write poetry is selected As one of the top poets for a year that has not technically occur cd yet. Of i know what some of you Are thinking. You re thinking Dave you Wiener head they Don t really think you re a leading poet. They got your name from some mailing list and they la publish any drivel you Send in because what they really want to do is throw some Book together and then sell it to a Bunch of pathetic loser Wannabe poets for some absurdly inflated Price like $50." Well that just shows How much you know. Be cause it turns out that Best poems of 1995 is now available at a special pre publication discount Price of just $49.95. But listen to what you get you get a Superb collection of Over 3,000 poems on every topic As Well As an heirloom Quality publication with imported French marbleized  i called the number listed on the National Library of poetry Letterhead. A pleasant sounding woman answered arid i asked her which specific poetic accomplishments of mine the judges had reviewed be fore selecting rhe Ascione of the Best poets. Urn she said we Don t have that available right now. All that information is closed in a backup file  -. I frankly have had very few poetic accomplishments. I once thought about writing poems for a line of thoughtful greeting cards but i finished Only one which went v thinking of you at this special time and hoping your Organ removal went Fine. I have to produce an entirely new poem for Best poems of 1995.1 asked the woman at the National Library of poetry if there were any special literary criteria involved she said the Only one was that the poem had to be quote "20 lines or  i was Happy to hear that. If there s one thing i hate it s a Long poem. And if there s another thing i hate it s a poem wherein the poet refuses to Tel you what the hell he s talking about. For example when i was an English major in College we spent weeks trying to get a handle on  dense poem called the waste land by . Eliot Only to con clude after endless droning hours of classroom Dis Cussion that the poem was expressing angst about the modern Era. I Felt like calling Eliot up and say ing listen ., the next time you want to express angst just express it of just say to i m feel ing some angst Over Here " i believe that if some of your former big name poets such As Homer and Milton neither of whom,.-s to my knowledge was invited to be in Best poems of 1995 had observed the National Library of poetry s 20-line limit their careers would be in a lot better shape today. Anyway i wrote a poem for Best poems of 1995.1 Call it simply love. Here it is 0 love is a feeling that makes a person strive to Crank out one of the Best poems of 1995 love is what make Lassie the farm dog run Back to the farmhouse to Alert Little Timmy s farm family whenever Little Timmy fell into a dangerous farm pit love is a feeling that will not go away like a fun Gus in your armpit so the Bottom line is thai there will always be lovers. " " wishing to express their love in an heirloom Quality Book with imported French marbleized covers which at $49.95 a pop multiplied by 3,000poets works out to Gross literary revenues of roughly $150,000, so it s a Good bet that whoever thought us the idea of publishing this Book does t care whether the last line rhymes. 1 sent this poem in to the folks at the National Library of poetry. If you think that you too have what it takes to be in Best poets of 1995, you might want to Send them a poem of your own their address is Box 704, Owings Mills my. 21.117. Tell them Dave serit.you". And ., if you Send something in for god s Sake keep it  Rad.  Page 28 sunday november 6, 1994