European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 27, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                A 1 arresting food stories that sound fishy Dave Barry if you re one of the millions of americans whore afraid to walk the streets because of crime you will be pleased to learn that Federal Law enforcement authorities have finally decide to take Stern action against a shipment of fro zen scallops. Really. According to an associated press Story sent in by Many Alert readers these scallops have been named by the . Attorney s office As the defendant in a lawsuit titled ".a. Is. 268 cases More or less of an article of  lawsuit charges that the scallops contain More water than Federal regulations permit. The Story quotes a spokesperson As saying that for technical reasons the government could not bring charges against the corporation that owns the scallops and therefore in essence you have arrested a food prod  ". -.  the Frozen scallops were apprehended after a Low Speed Chase on a los Angeles freeway during which they held Little guns to what passes for their Heads. No seriously the Frozen scallops made no attempt to flee and under our system of Justice they Are entitled to a fair trial with a properly sworn in jury of their Peers please raise what passes for your right hand. But if they re found guilty i Hope they go to the cooler for a Long time because like most Ameri cans i m sick and tired of seeing Over watered Frozen scallops getting just a slap on what passes for their wrists and then being set free to roam the streets Al though in All fairness we should note that As Mem Bers of the deceased Mollusk family they roam quite slowly  speaking of cold seafood getting tangled up with the Law i have Here an article from the Peoria 111. Journal Star written by Sarah Okeson and alertly sent in by Karen Fyke concerning a Young Man who opened his grandmother s refrigerator late one night and discovered that a bag of leftover imitation lobster which is made from processed fish was glowing. He alerted the grandmother who took the leftovers at 2 . To Why not the Peoria police department where an officer following Standard Law enforcement procedure for this Type of situation took them into a dark room and verified that they were indeed giving off a greenish Light. The officer then released the imitation lobster Back into the custody of the grandmother who is quoted As saying my Light bulb can go out in the refrigerator now. All i need is the artificial  the Story also quotes a government microbiologist As saying that the glow could have been caused by Bac Teria which by the Way Are being represented in this Case by Robert Shapiro. No i m kidding again or Shapiro is a respected attorney who would not represent bacteria unless they were very wealthy. But the Point is that for safety s Sake you should never eat any kind of imitation crustacean without first having a police officer examine it in a dark room. Also i assume it goes without saying that you should never eat real lobsters which Are clearly nothing More than giant insects. Never eat anything with eyeballs on stalks and More legs than a Standard cow is a Good Rule of thumb. The Only kind of seafood that i Trust is the fish stick a totally featureless fish that does t have eyeballs or fins. It just lies on the sea floor in a Little rectangle protecting itself with a thin layer of bread ing. .-.-. -. Speaking of Trust you should be highly suspicious of any seafood that you re being urged to cat by a scientist. I base this statement on a photograph from the Carteret county news times of Morehead City ., alertly sent in by Judith Tillman. The photo graph shows two women bending Over a bowl. The caption which i swear i am not making up says Gail Cannon of Duke Marine lab convinces  Maritime museum staff member Nancy Martin to eat the gonads of a sea Urchin at the strange sea food festival thursday evening in  Call me old fashioned but my firm belief is that a person should not eat any kind of goad without an extremely Good medical reason. This leads us to a nutrition question that is on the minds of Many americans in these health conscious times namely is it of to eat your underwear the answer i am pleased to report is yes. I have Here an associated press Story sent in by Many Alert readers which be gins ,.  Philippines a Fisherman ate his underwear and barnacles that Clung to his body As he drifted for four Days at sea after Waves shattered his  the Story quotes the Man As saying i ate my underwear and drank sea water. Shells were beginning to eat my body so i had to eat them  Why not it makes As much sense As sushi. In fact this Man could be giving us the idea for a trendy new seafood restaurant called briefs n barnacles which could attract a demanding clientele waiter Are these jockeys fresh also there could be big potential for a weight loss plan called shells eat your  i Don t know about you but i m in the mood for a Stefac Miami Herald Page 28 sunday november 27,1994