European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 4, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 28 bearing Down on Junior High football Dave Barry its late october and in a watching my son play football. Well of he a not technically playing. He son the sidelines no. 85, standing near the coach looking Alert hoping the coach will notice him and Send him in. In a not so sure this is a Good idea because the other teams players Are extremely Large. They re supposed to be Junior High students but if they Are they apparently started Junior High later in life after having played a number of years for the Chicago bears. They look extremely mature. You can actually see their beards growing. They probably have to shave in the huddle. In Stark contrast my songs team the raiders consists of Normal sized seventh and eighth Grade boys except for player no. 9, Nicole who is a girl. From a distance with their helmets and shoulder pads on the raiders look big enough but this illusion is Shat Ter cd when you see them up close or when one of their moms walks past towering Over them. For some reason the raiders opponents Are always larger. Also they seem More aggressive. They punch each other a lot and spit and sneer and probably eat live chickens on the team bus. Also they re always gathering together and emitting loud menacing unintelligible football roars whereas the raiders tend to Chat. The raiders Are a More Laid Back group. Sometimes they try to make a menacing 1 football Roar but it comes out sounding halfhearted like a group Throat Clearing. This is the raiders sixth game. So far they be won one. That Victory was sealed when the opposing team in what has proved to be the raiders season. Highlight failed to show up. The raiders lost All the other games in Large part because a vat least this is How i Analyse the situation from a strictly technical standpoint a they have not scored any Points. None. Usually when the raiders have the Ball giant live Chicken eating Chicago Sears Knock them Down and take it away. Whereas when the opponents have the Ball they give it to some enormous player who cannot possibly be in Junior High school because any Given one of his calves is larger than a Junior High school. This player lumbers toward the plucky Raider defenders who leap up and Latch on to him one after the other until the runner is lumbering Down the Field with what appears to be the entire Raider defensive unit clinging desperately to his body the whole group looking like some bizarre alien space creature with Many extra Heads and arms and legs and two really huge calves. On the sidelines we grown ups yell helpful advice. A tackle him a shouts a Raider coach. A somebody tackle him of of please a a bite his Ankles a shouts a mom. Inevitably the Chicago bears score a touchdown. Causing us Raider parents to groan. The Raider cheerleaders however remain undaunted. They have a cheer for just this situation. It goes i am not making this cheer up a they made a touchdown a but its All right a the Raider cheerleaders remain Perky and upbeat no matter what happens in the game. This May be because they wisely refuse to look at the game. They face us parents going through their routines Happy in their own totally separate cheer leading world. A plane could crash on the Field and they might not notice and even if they did i bet it  seriously Impact their jerkiness a a plane crashed on the Field but its All right a. Of course they have Good reason to be cheerful. They re in no danger of being converted into Grid Iron roadkill by the Chicago bears. My son on the other hand is. My son is going into the game. The coach is telling him something i Hope its Good advice such As a Tennis is a much safer sports. And now no. 85 is trotting onto the Field and now he a taking his position on the Raider defensive line and now both teams Are lined up and now my son is crouching Down in his stance ready to Spring Forward and. There he goes get Mem Rob stick your helmet completely through some big fat Chicago bears body and out the other Side yes Way to go Way to pounce Way to be. Offsides. Whoops. Of so he was a Little overeager. But he did Fine after that As far As i could Tell lunging around out there just like everybody else and managing to go four full plays without once losing an important limb or Organ. Another positive note was that Nicole got into the game and was actually sort of involved in a tackle a feat that earned her some major High fives when she returned to the  that was pretty much the highlight for the raiders wha became increasingly resigned and philosophical As it became Clear that they were going to lose yet again. Meanwhile the Chicago bears feeling smug were punching each other and emitting fierce Victory grunts. A i bet our sat scores Are higher a i wanted to yell but of course i did not As i generally prefer not to have my head stomped into pudding. Finally the game ended and even though the raiders again failed to score any Points we parents were tremendously proud of their efforts. We clapped and cheered with Pride As they trotted off the Field. They think we re crazy. It a Quot Miami Herald by vol a sunday december 4, 1994