European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 11, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Our idiotic Way of voting Joe. Bob Briggs goes to the drive in by is every election Between the re publican idiot and the democratic idiot and then if some third Guy shows up everybody says i can t vote for him. He s an Why is the third Guy always an idiot he s the Only one who does t have 150 years of history behind him proving he s an idiot. Why Don t we choose our own idiot there s always a third party candidate on the ballot right we be never heard of him. But if you say what about this Guy you know the dude from the Green Liberal citizenship party everybody automatically says he s an i thin there Are Good reasons to believe the Weir do is not an idiot. First off he s the Only one who refused to join the Republican party or the democratic party. After All what exactly do you have to do to Rise up through the ranks of the re publicans or the democrats pass out buttons. That s How you get in. Then when you get Good at that you get to mail out bumper stickers. And then if you re a really Good party Mem Ber and show lots of Promise you get to Call people up on the phone and ask pm if they la put up a Yard sign. /. /. Why Don t we just go Down to Home shopping network and Send All their phone operators to con Gress after All they be put in More hours at it than Newt Gingrich. Then after the elect id is Over we have to listen to 16,000 hours of what it All Means. Of my god the re publicans took Over the Senate. Of my god some body we never heard of is Gover nor of new York. And All the time we re fuse to vote for the wild card Guy. I mean we used to Kinda sorta like Ross Perot but then there he was this year making speeches for the democrats. Does anybody really believe there Are Only two Points of View in America and they re summed up totally in the words Republican and demo crat judging by their convention Bull stuff speeches they re both Way too meddlesome to hold Public office. All they talk about is changing this changing that. I Haven t heard a politician yet who has started out a speech by saying now Here s some stuff we should just leave alone exactly like it you know what i mean Are you following me Here these parties were created in the last Century and we re already headed into the next Century. I m really surprised i have to explain this stuff. Speaking of countries that believe in doing politics the old fashioned Way Mexico is turning out horror flicks again including cronos one of the finest mechanical insect bloodsucking Vampire family dramas Ever made. This is one of those Artsy Artsy Dalies where when somebody walks across a room the camera Fol lows Emall the Way across the Dan Groom. ,. Closeup of face.1 y big Green eyes. Little girl staring clutching her doll. Blood spurting out of a Man s hand. The Only thing that saves it is some intense Gross out footage when this Guy starts turning into an in Sec like Vampire whose face keeps peeling off while he s sticking his hand inside his stomach to see what it feels like in there. It s the Story of an elderly Antiques dealer who accidentally discovers an eternal youth machine in the form of a Golden insect. He takes it Home and finds out that every time it clamps onto his body causing excruciating pain he gets a lot younger. So he decides to play games with it showing his Little granddaughter How it works. But then an evil businessman and his dimwit hired killer Nephew de cide they want the blood sucking Fountain of youth insect too and pus filled zaniness ensues. Seven dead bodies. No breasts. Eye gouging. Cockroach attack. Hand ripping. Oozing Chest wounds. Blood Licking. Corpse sewing. Facial skin ripping. Neck stomping. Head bashing. One motor vehicle crash. Stomach peeling. Gratuitous tango Les ,. .",-.- drive in Academy award nominations for Freder Ico Luppi As the Antiques dealer who goes insert on us and learns to love pain and Ron Pearlman As the broken nose killer who dances on his Uncle s dead body and screams everything is mine two and a half stars. Joe Bob says Check u out. Joe Bob s find that flick this week s mind fiddler comes from John Combs of Harrodsburg Kentucky i saw a three stooges full length movie on late night to in the Early 1970s. The stooges managed to get aboard a rocket ship that took off and they ended up on another a video will be awarded to the Correct answer. Address below. Joe Bob s advice to the hopeless v. Victory Over pessimism the Grayslake outdoor theater in Grayslake 111., continues to pack pm in despite predictions 10 years ago that the Chicago area drive in was an extinct Spe cies. Walter Szewc Zyk of Lombard 111., reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Dear Joe Bob Welcome from Berkeley California Home of the politically Correct bumper sticker. I guess someone around Here has invented solar pow ered automobiles. I say this because every Day on my Way to work i see yet another Saab or Mercedes with a no offshore Oil drilling or Boycott insert Oil company name Here. I can Only infer from their bumper Art that they Are driving a car that would not need offshore Oil or gasoline from insert Oil company name. Maybe they have found a Way to Harvest All of the hot air emanating from our local politicos and lefty Media. Terence Rucker Berkeley Calif. Dear Terence. You re a die hard sports fan in Berkeley who sup ports the big Oil companies do you have a will new York times Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob or to get free junk in the mail or his world famous newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002, Dallas Texas 75221. Joe Bob s fax number at his trailer House 214 985-7448. Joe Bob on Compuserve. 76702,1435. Vidmark Ron Pearlman and Fred Rico Luppi in cronos. The imbalance n gop s Linda Ellerbee. New Harris poll says americans Are feeling lukewarm about the country these Days. One finds this surprising. In Light of recent elections one might have thought most americans would be absolutely Giddy these Days since Newt Gingrich will be soon running the country arid everything will surely be All right then. Or perhaps within a Short few months Many More people Are going to feel less than lukewarm about America or at least about its Dye rement including some people who voted for these Guys. Start with the republicancontract." you recall that before the midterm congressional ejections More than 300 Republican candidates signed a contract with America which promised among other things welfare Reform Tough crime fighting Laws higher defense spending tax cuts and Yates on constitutional amendments requiring a balanced budget and term limits. Sounds just wonderful does t it yes and what it will Cost is pretty wonderful too. Talk about your skyrocketing deficits. But hey they re the republicans and Ever since Ronald Reagan taught them. How they be been perfectly willing to use the words charge it to finance the government. Welfare Reform Good idea. Everybody even democrats agrees the welfare system could use reforming but republicans have drafted a welfare Reform plan that would end automatic eligibility for benefits for Low income americans including the disabled elderly and single mothers. Under the gop plan at least 2.5 million families and More than 5 million children now receiving government assistance will be ineligible for benefits. Aid will also be denied to children born to Young unmarried mothers and children whose paternity is not legally established. Gee that s great. Who cafes if a Bunch of kids starve. ". As for those old people and the disabled every body knows it s their fault they re old and or disabled. ". " balancing the budget to do that would require cutting Federal spending by $500 billion to $700 Bil lion Over about five years. Republicans have yet to Tell us the programs they would want to Cut to find / those savings. Crime republicans promised an anti crime pack age that removes All parts of the recent crime Bill that have to do with prevention and puts the Money instead into punishment. Wow that sure does make sense As Long As you plan to make everybody who goes to jail stay there forever. Finally my favorite part of the contract term Lim its. Many republicans made term limits a key Issue in their successful runs for congressional seats. But now. Well look at Dick Armey the Republican Johp s going to be the new majority Leader in the House. Already Armey once a Strong supporter of term limits Back when his party was not in Power and he was not going to be majority Leader of the House has said that if republicans can straighten out the House americans May not be so enthusiastic about a constitutional amendment limiting the time a person May serve in Congressus huh. I get it. It s called politics. And so it goes. King features Syndicate. December 11,1994 sunday Page 21
