European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 11, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                The state of sex in Dave Barry Here s nothing wrong with discussing sex As Long As it s done in a mature and taste Ful fashion without resorting to words such As  sex is a Normal healthy biological activity that occurs routinely among organisms in nature especially Mon keys and there s no reason Why we should be ashamed of our sexuality unless we Are sen. Bob Packwood. I say this because today s column is going to be a Frank and mature discussion of the recent scientific Survey of american sexual behaviour. Important advisory from the Edi tors in dealing with this topic or Barry will be forced to use certain frankly mature sexual phrase ology such As throbbing and Burrito so if you area remotely moral person such As the extremely Rev. Pat Robertson you will Stop Reading this column right Here and now. Thank you. You probably read about the sex Survey. Approximately 3,500 randomly selected americans were asked detailed questions about their sexual behaviour and it turned out that 97 percent of them within the previous year had had sex with Madonna. No i m kidding. It was Only 93 percent. But that was not the most surprising finding. The most sur prising finding which i am not making up was that what is Warren Christopher thinking about 54 percent of the men surveyed said they think about sex daily. That s Correct 54 percent. What can we conclude from this we can con clude that the other 46 percent of the men were lying. Because it is a known scientific fact that All men think about sex a minimum of All the time and i include Secretary of state Warren Christopher in that statement. You see Warren on to and he Al ways has the frown vaguely uncomfortable facial expression of a Man who has just inadvertently Swal Lowed a live Weevil so that on the outside he looks like a serious government official thinking about foreign policy but just beneath the surface of his dark diplomatic suit Warren is Trust me a Bulg ing Burrito of lust no different from those Small sex crazed dogs that attempt to mate with every female dog or human limb or item of furniture they encounter. /  important note from the Legal de Par tent in the preceding paragraph or. Barry is not suggesting that the Secretary of state has Ever to our knowledge attempted to have sex with furniture or that or. Christopher is in any literal sense a bulging Burrito and we have the photo graphs to prove a thank you. What about american women according to the Survey Only i9 percent of the women said they think about sex on a daily basis. So the question is if the other 81 percent Aren t thinking about sex what Are they thinking about i be discussed this ques Tion with some Guys i know and the Only topic we could come up with is sports. We figure that when women get together in those so called women s groups they re actually running fantasy football leagues and the reason they Don t invite us Guys is they know we d never remember when it was our turn to bring refreshments. The sex Survey also produced some reassuring findings regarding the frequency with which Ameri cans have sex. You get the impression from the Media that this nation is just one big orgy turn on the to any night you la see naked glistening bodies thrusting toward each other and that s just Dan rather and Connie Chung. So you probably think that everybody else is More sexually Active than you Are. But the reassuring truth according to the sur vey is that some people Are actually having less sex than you their names Are Bud and Earlene i Berlocker and they Are currently in full body casts As a result of a trapeze related mishap at a Motel. Everybody else is having Way More sex than you. And i include your spouse in that statement. Note from the publisher Here at this newspaper we Are dedicated to maintaining Community standards As measured in Gross advertising revenues so if you were in any Way offended by the frankness and maturity of this column please Send me a letter in writing and i will Send you As a for Mal Token of apology a videotape titled or. Chuckle trousers has a big night starring Warren Christopher. Vav. And Rev. Robertson yours is already on the Way. Miami Herald to Page 28 sunday december 11, 1994