European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - August 4, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns Box fetching method keeps columnist in stitches by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers today s Homeowner topic is a Basic one How to get a Box Down from an overhead shelf. Experts agree that the Correct Way to get a Box Down from a shelf depends on How Busy you Are. For example my wife Beth asked me to get a Box Down from a shelf in our garage the other Day. I was very Busy so i quickly rejected the old fashioned time wasting method approved by the occupational safety and health administration the one sometimes called the Weenie  that goes like this 1 you move the car out of the Way 2 you use a Stepladder to get the Box Down and 3 you Don t have to go to the emergency room. The Osha approved method is Fine for the average Joe whose time is not particularly valuable but it is hardly adequate for Busy individuals such As Lee Iacocca Malcolm Forbes and myself. So the procedure i followed was the one where you 1 climb up onto the roof of your car 2 stretch for the Box and 3 rather than waste valuable seconds climbing safely Back Down you fall. Even in midair i continued to make shrewd decisions. Realizing that i was about to resume a Book publicity Tou involving Many Public appearances including to programs i elected to land face first on the Hood of the other car after which i bounced calmly to the floor. There still in total command of the situation i elected to bleed from the efficient new Hole my Teeth had efficiently punched through my upper lip. Mission accomplished lying there i was tempted to bask in the satisfaction of a Job Well done but i had other items on my Busy Agenda first being to pass out. I was about to do this when my faithful dog Earnest who always stays close by in Case an emergency might arise wherein  Render vital Lassie style assistance arrived on the scene saw me and without a second s hesitation Don t try to Tell me that dogs Aren t highly intelligent started cheerfully Licking up the blood. Thus assisted i lurched to my feet and made the following statement to Beth a Deeda Dodda which is How we time saving homeowners announce that we need a doctor. And so wasting no time Beth whisked me to the emergency room where a cheerful doctor named Charlie a firm believer in the hippocratic oath article i make them whimper in a Pool of sweat announced that he was going to sew me up. I was hoping this would turn out to be merely a figure of speech with no basis in reality like a Frog in your Throat or president Reagan. But the next thing i knew or. Charlie was cheerfully approaching with a Needle he must have purchased at the medical joke shop a Needle the size of an olympic vaulting pole which he proceeded to. Notice in the interest of not making members of our Reading audience cringe violently and spit partially chewed English muffin All Over their clothing we Are going to eliminate the part of this narrative where the doctor deliberately Sticks the enormous Needle directly into the author s upper lip. By now i was considering making a break from the emergency room and learning to live with a blood spewing lip wound via such minor adjustments in my lifestyle As always wearing Burgundy shirts. But before i could move cheery or. Charlie was advancing with another Needle and what is worse some thread with which he proceeded to. Notice you May rest assured that we will not even begin to discuss what it feels like when the doctor makes a stitch and then to get it Nice and snug pulls several feet of thread through your upper lip. Finally or. Charlie ran out of thread and quit and i lurched to a Mirror and i saw that i had been transformed into the Hunch lip of notre Dame. It was t just the fetching jagged scar accessorized with the attractive designer surgical thread. It was the size of this lip. It completely eliminated any need i might have had for an automotive air bag. I am pretty sure that my lip must have showed up on Willard Scott s satellite weather photograph. The worst part is that people kept telling me it did t look so bad. It s not so bad they d say brightly staring at it the Way you d look at an exhibit of rare african slime leeches. Helpful strangers standing hundreds of feet away would shout. I hardly even notice your lip also it hurts to drink Beer. Let alone kiss. But the Good news is that my lip is Healing and within a few years i expect to be leading a completely Normal life except for this new involuntary reflex i be developed where i put my hand Over my Mouth when i talk. Also i expect to save a lot of time in the future because i imagine Beth will never Ever again ask me to get a Box Down from a shelf. Next week s Homeowner topic five Chainsaw shortcuts. Widow Uncertain about memorial contributions by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i have been a widow for five months and have acknowledged each kindness Flowers food cards and letters with a personal note. I Felt that the printed thank you cards supplied by the funeral Home were not suitable. As time has passed however i find that Many of my letters Are now thanks for contributions in my late husband s name to institutions etc., which neither of us Ever belonged to or had any interest in. I made no in lieu of Flowers request in the newspaper obituary but my husband s memberships and special interests were chronicled. Why do people feel that a monetary tribute is necessary i ask this not in a spirit of complaint but because i want to clarify my thinking. I suppose that before the Days of embalming the scent of Flowers was needed As a cover up and the Beauty of Flowers is still uplifting. As the family members from far and near gather extra food is helpful As Are the kind words of visiting neighbors. But is a death a reason to make a memorial contribution to Xyz Church Charity College my thinking and emotions Are taxed right now. Help me sort this out so that i May be better Able to help when a Friend becomes a  gentle Reader people affected by a death feel the need to do  the tragedy is that everything Falls Short of satisfying that need. Of course the Best thing to do is to Comfort the nearest survivors with the sympathy and practical assistance most suitable to that individual. This Means visits letters and such assistance As bringing food and doing errands. Contributions to causes that were dear to the deceased also fall into that category. You understand that. But one must also understand that Many people cannot manage this very Well. They sign sympathy cards instead of sending letters or contribute to whatever they think of rather than inquiring what would be appropriate. Miss manners is the first to say that they should make the Effort to do better. But she is also the last to scorn the lesser efforts because she knows they come from the same feeling of helplessness shared by everyone faced with a loss. Dear miss manners at 33,1 am a newcomer to wearing makeup. How do i handle the Marks left by lipstick on glasses or Linen napkins i would like to Wear lipstick but am afraid because of this. The last time i wore lipstick was for an evening out at a bar. The Man serving me drinks commented that he did t appreciate cleaning glasses with lipstick stains on them. Needless to say i was taken Aback and quite embarrassed. Gentle Reader that the Man had a Point does not excuse his rudeness to you or his disloyalty toward his employer in insulting a customer. Not for his Sake but for that of More polite people you might put in the same position including your Friend you might want to blot your lipstick before you eat. You should do that for your own Sake As Well. Otherwise you will find yourself smiling Fetchin Gly at your dinner partner without realizing that you Are presenting him with a clownish face on which your lipstick has spread right up to your nose. Dear miss manners we have a picture taking Cousin who delights in catching us in unflattering poses. No matter where she goes or How formal the social event she wears her camera strapped to her wrist ready to record someone in an awkward position. Her idea of a Good picture is some one else s most embarrassing moment. She once took a picture of a male guest after he spilled a drink on the front of his trousers. It is an uncomfortable feeling to know there is a permanent photographic record of your guest in an unhappy moment especially when you have worked and planned carefully to ensure the Comfort and pleasure of each guest. Our not so gentle hints to her and her Mother have been unsuccessful. Aside from the fact that we Are dealing with an insensitive put Down artist should t it be considered Good manners to Call ahead of time and request permission to bring a camera gentle Reader picture taking even when done with benign intentions unsettles enough people that it must require the consent of both hosts and other subjects. You would not allow a guest to put a tape recorder on the dinner table without the full consent of everyone present. A Compromise at family gatherings souvenirs of which might become valued later is to designate a time and place when pictures May be taken of those agreeable to it. But the excuse of pleasure later should never be used to Force guests to forgo the pleasure of relaxed socializing. Have a question on etiquette write to miss manners in care of the stars and Stripe Apo 09 j11. Your question will be forwarded to her. Miss manners regrets that she can answer readers it of on Only in her column. August 4, 1988 stripes Magazine