European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 17, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse Re nver. The nurses every one a father s is nearly. A for Sog Wei As him. The increasingly care for us As Well As him. They allies friends the Only constant in a k360of control. They never pass me now Kuch. A Pat a hug. They have done this the know How close we Are to saying Farewell Weach other to him. Ither s doctors Call in from restaurants their own i Mph m we Are consulting hourly now. I am Heri Sions i never knew anyone had to make 3 i Junta so mint Ohof Eti Momo pm with a cold detachment that stuns me. La n9r ease the demerol. No it in t working so yes i we should switch to morphine increase the Shine. More. More. Hear myself issuing opinions but i keep looking at a figure under the Blue Blanket half waiting for s sit up and contradict me. Up was always in charge. I never had a say in what hid where we went As a family. He was the Leader Sand the chief of the clan the Only voice of Jority. When did the Torch pass i do not want it. But cannot give it Back. There is no privacy in a Hospital. I discover the Linen it Down the Hall and Retreat there behind the i of plastic coated pillows. In that tiny Sanctuary i Ler ventilate cry until i Hiccup pull myself together Lough to go Back into the darkened room. Kis the Cusp of Spring but the last storm of Winter As hurled itself out of the West and paralysed Kansas a Ity nothing moves on the streets. The lamps glow wow in the reflected Snow. The world is silent is Pended. My father and i Are alone in the Middle of the night. I a half on the bed cradling him like the Pieta telling mall my secrets All my Hopes. I am racing the clock on the Wall my new enemy trying to cram the dialogue if my entire life into the last precious hours i will have Vith my daddy. I sob. I laugh. I talk about the dog of my youth who flew to us in a Tornado and Learned to play second i remind him of the time the cat ate the Christmas Goose. I thank him for the Blue bicycle for teaching me to drive for sending me to College for waving goodbye with a smile on his face when i boarded the plane for Vietnam for All the Money spent on phone Calls to find me Halfway round the world. I thank him for All that extra Champagne at my wedding and for All the steaks he barbecued for my journalism gypsies who be dropped in from Beirut and Bombay Over the years. I feel closer that night to my dad than i be Ever Felt before. Occasionally his eyes open and i look deep into them and whisper in his ear Quot i love you because everybody says no one knows what he hears what he thinks. Those three words become my mantra chanted Over and Over and Over til Dawn. I also Tell him How proud of him i was and am How his exploits As a fighter Pilot reflected on us made us feel special. I reassure him of my happiness in my marriage. I Promise to look out for Mother to love his grandsons forever to treasure every snapshot every scrap of advice. I pledge to be Good. I Promise to remember. And then i give him permission to let go. I say goodbye. I feel As if i am dying too. Quot you can go now daddy. It s of. Honest. I love you. You can go now i carry on a one sided conversation for More than 12 hours. There is no other sound in the room except my hoarse voice. The Only tube left is the morphine drip. The nurses Glide in and out. There is pain in their eyes. The Young doctor who has become my lifeline my greatest source of strength stands at the foot of the bed. A a when Quot i ask. Quot i done to know Quot he replies. There Are tears in his eyes. My father picks his own time As he has his whole life. He Waits for my Mother and my brother. At High noon the storm Over the blinding Sun of Spring flooding the window he opens his eyes. He Speaks. Quot love Quot he says As they hold him in their arms. And then he is gone. March 27, tuesday despite the request for no a s Long As there Are larks to sing and eagles to Fly and owls to look Down from the highest tree my father will live on. I a Tad Bartimus associated press reporter Tad Bartimus with her father James l. F Timus in 1987 Flowers the Church smells like a Garden. The formal photograph propped on the table in front of the altar shows a smiling Young Man in a 50-Mission hat and a dashing army air corps Trench coat. A White silk Scarf is draped Over the Edge. A velvet Board displays the medals awarded for bravery daring and endurance. Two freshly picked hyacinths from a neighbors Yard Complete the memorial tableau. The Church is full. Many faces Are unknown to me others Are mileposts of my years. I take a deep breath and Pray one last time for strength and composure and deliver his Eulogy. Quot the newspaper obituary Quot i began Quot gives you the Frame surrounding the portrait of the Man. This is the True picture. Quot he loved the song of a single Bird in the morning the sight of a Chevron of wild geese at dusk. He was sentimental and loved cards that rhymed. Quot he could untangle any fishing line and fix any toy. He and Mother danced together like Fred and Ginger. He taught his children that Only people mattered not things. Quot he was a Fisherman Farmer civil servant lifelong Democrat Loyal american. A but at the Core he was a Pilot. A True hero. Dads Pilot buddies said no Man Ever flew an air plane with such Grace and skill and that god Given gift that Only Angels have for flight. A Friend trying to Comfort me said she knew Why dad took his own time in leaving us. He did not go in the dark of night when the blizzard raged. Instead he left with the Sun High overhead. He waited she said for Clear skies to take off. Quot at the end i borrowed the words of a Friend who d walked this path before Quot daddy Quot she wrote Quot just follow the heading Peter pan gave Wendy Darling. As they surveyed the stars spread across the night sky he showed her the Way like you have shown me Quot second to the right then straight on til morning. Have a wonderful flight. Well All meet you and then the pianist broke into a resounding rendition of Quot wild Blue yonder Quot and my duty was done i had used the Only True gift i had the ability to string words together to say Farewell. I believe he heard me. March 29, thursday i was in the dream House my parents built when they retired. Stumbling around in the dark i reached into my open suitcase for a Bathrobe. My hand touched something that Hadnot been there an hour before. Turning on the Light i found an intricate paper air plane folded out of a dietitian s form from the Hospital. Even though it was late i called my husband who a flown Back Home that Day. I thanked him for leaving me the wonderful air plane. After a Long pause at the other end of the line he told me As one would speak to a slow witted child that he Hadnot made me a paper air plane. The next morning i showed my Mother. She had no idea where it came from. I am sure there is a logical explanation. I just Haven to found it. Until i do in be put the delicate Little plane away in a Box in my Hope Chest along with my most precious treasures. When i feel inconsolable i get out the Box and sail the beautifully proportioned Craft through the air. It makes me feel better. Quot take my hand Quot wrote the Friend who is a year ahead of me. Quot Well walk together on the twisting Road she exhorted me to Quot look for the and so i took the Little paper air plane to be the first one. Fathers Day june 17, sunday father s Day was the weekend we always used to pick cherries from the backyard tree and bake daddy a pie. Or clean out the garage for him. Or endure a hot afternoon at the old fishing Hole. There were shirts to buy and ties to wrap and cards to sign. But not this year. Or next. Or Ever again. I look out my Colorado Kitchen window eastward toward my roots and my past in Missouri. There is an old Majestic Ponderosa Pine tree across the Way. In recent Days an owl has perched on the highest tip of the highest Branch. Occasionally he leaves his aerie to soar Over my House in a Graceful arc his vast wings barely moving catching the thermals and letting the Breeze take him High higher highest. I watch him in wonder and Delight. I believe As Wendy Darling believed in Peter pan. As Long As there Are larks to sing and eagles to Fly and owls to look Down from the highest tree my father will live on. The stars and stripes Pavo 15
