European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 13, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse To Page 4 my Luis amp amp Sig Kijuu Ivy ca5yt. What it really Means to get necked now Quot a Quot a Quot to Btu ave you noticed How Playboy has be a b come More respectable than nation �1 Quot i Al geographic Al. B used to be that every fathers Nightmare was that his 19-Ycar-Oid cheerleader daughter would come Home one Day and say a this wonderful Man from Playboy wants to take pictures of me a and then mom would Start crying and dad would kick the Good for nothing out of the House and pretty soon shed be seen at a Prince concert with Rob Lowe. But now its like winning miss America. A you got eight Nek kid pages in Playboy of my god in a Sootoo Happy for you a cause we re talking the big Bucks Here. We re talking movie deals. We re talking appearances ing vegas. We re talking for the next 15 years at Fate Santa Monica car show. Maybe we re to Tullon swimsuit calendars Rufth Yazoo. Last year 1 wrote an article for Playboy on the a Queens of the by so a actresses like Monique Gabrielle and Linnea Quigley who have become. Superstars in horror flicks a and when the article came out it was accompanied by photos of about ten of pm in flagrant torpedo with the headline a a a movie bimbos a 1 called up my editor and said a How can you do this to me. These women will kill me you called email bimbos a of pm a a and he said a ooh done to worry about it. We told Mem the title of the article in Advance. Their managers knew it. They knew it. They said it was talk about publication with Power. Anyhow was thinking about this last year when playboys new spread came out featuring Sherilyn Fenno twin peaks Fame. I say twin peaks Fame grudgingly because Sherilyn was an emerging drive in actress who has now started doing indoor Bull stuff and will probably never return to the drive in screen. The first time i saw her was in a 1986 flick called the wraith that ghost car revenge classic where she wore enough Mascara to open a maty Kay factory and Nick Cassavetes and Charlie Sheen both tried to go for her groceries at the same time. Next she shows up in the immortal Zombie High 1987where she further refined her shakespearean acting techniques. And remember two Moon Junction where she ripped her top off so Many times i lost count she was destined to be a drive in superstar and then what happens to steals her away. Then Playboy puts her Nek kid body All Over the Magazine. And you know what that Means she a respectable now. A. You understand this you used to pose for Playboy at the beginning of your career when you were not respectable. Now you do it when you re a Star to prove you re respectable. And then the next stage is a i done top nudity aft Ryou do the most Public nudity there a still working on this. They Wanna be called bimbos and they Don t w Anna be called bimbos. Creator Syndicate a they Call me Macho woman stars Debra Sweaney. They want me to Sec pm Nek kid and they Don t want me to see pm Nek kid. So which is it please write in and help me out. And speaking of women with twin peaks Debra Sweaney stars in they Call me Macho woman. As the and says a born to shop a i Learned to Debra Sweaney you say. You doubt me that a what they said about Sherilyn Fenn too when the wraith came out. Here a the Deal. Debra drives out to the country with a Weenie real estate agent to look at a House Only once she gets there accidentally witnesses a gang of ruthless Punk drug dealers loading several tons of cocaine into a Mercedes. Whoops us of and Here a the Best part the head Goon is Brian Oldfield the olympic shot Putter. He wears this steel band on his head with a Unicorn Spike coming out of the front so he can ram it through pc pies foreheads whenever he feels like it. An army of perverts takes off after Debra chasing her through the Woods for half the movie until she files Down a couple of axes grabs a few steel spikes and turns into rambo with . To give you some idea there a this one scene where a chinese Guy Breaks some bricks with his head does a few flying leaps kicks straight up in the air within an Inch of her body and gives her an official warning a Black Belt. Karate. Fifteen she kicks his leg with her leg which happens to have a six Inch Metal Spike attached to it and says a Ballet. Six no breasts. Nineteen dead bodies. Tovig through the ear. Forehead spiking. Daggers through the Eye. Face nailing. Multiple hatchets to the Chest. Spiked Boot body stomping. Heads Roll. Gratuitous nose piercing Yuk. Three motor vehicle chases with two crashes one Roll. Two stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. S. A. A v dear Joe Bob i have been trying to search for the meaning of life since i moved to Aspen Colo., from Arkansas but my mind keeps drawing one conclusion i am flying Down an endless 45-degree powder run on 210�?Ts with no tourist in sight. A. A . Leslie a Aspen Colo. Dear Jean Claude Leslie just think of it this Way if you were having that dream in Arkansas you a also have seven or eight Pine Trees Between your legs. It dear Joe Bob about Henry portrait of a serial killer Henry Otis Becky Eye gouging could we be talking about the Pride of Tecumseh Michigan a that celebrated one eyed drifter Henry Lee Lucas since Henry can to seem to remember lets jog his memory he pierced his Mommy a neck with an icepick in 1960 when she accused him of a having some sort of sex with his Stepsister. How do i know All his this genteel family lived six blocks from us when i was a child. A Elizabeth a. Low 1. A Hurst Tex. Dear Elizabeth what a strange about Henry portrait of a serial killer is that it does seem to be based on the life of Henry Lee Lucas except in the meantime Henry Lee Lucas had been exposed As a fake who confessed to hundreds of murders just to get at tuntion a while the movie is being praised for being �?orealistic.�?�. Do you follow this i find this very very funny. Dear Joe Bob you have tastes in film a lot like mine although up Here we have no drive ins except the one in Cap Etc that shows skin flicks in French. Hardly any of the really Good horror Sci i films get to the theatres around Here. I always have to wait for them to appear on video. Even then i have a hard time convincing people that evil dead is a Good film usually they wont let me describe the film past the Pencil in the ankle scene. All i can say is keep up the Good work for those few of us up Here who appreciate glop la. If you be never seen it see the crawling terror 1%3. A truly staggering example of bad film. A r. Matheson a Riverview new Brunswick Canada dear a you have to mean the crawling hand where the kid finds a severed Arm on the Beach unaware that the Arm has been struck with cosmic Moon rays and it can come alive hypnotize the kid with its hand and then grab people by the Throat and strangled pm to death. This is what you re talking about right i done to think there is a crawling Sci us a Mian?9 a let Earth Joe Boboc to get his world a i ref news Etter and free junk in the mail h iat 75221. Joe Bob Briggs column is distributed by creators Syndicate. To plus a sunday january 13, 1991 Yuk Here Are. Arguably the worst to shows Scon Williams associated press o or topic is bad television. Television that docs not create a Burden on the viewers wit and intellect but actually takes wit and intellect away. This is to so bad its. Scary. A a please. Save your screams for the end. Ayco re talking about to that represents deformities in the National character to that Speaks of profound problems in the Republic. But when fun Tuff historians close the books on our Era they May forgive american culture for the Beverly Hillbillies. probably Call it a classic they will Honor Gilligan a Island As a work of Genius. Its already happening. A Green acres Isnit stupid its surreal a gushed cables Nickelodeon Channel in plugging its revival of the show. That a the strange thing about bad television. It is preserved in reruns until the dignity of age and nostalgia make it Good. Mediocre to sinks without a Trace bad to becomes a a cultural artefact a a precious relic of bygone Days. Precious relics of the �?T70s and �?T80s? Here a a Bottom 10 list in ascending order of horror 1 company from 1977 to 1984 this show epitomized the Central values of the 1970s, like disco and Leisure suits. The premise if that is what it can be called was that two women and one Man were capable of hilarious sexual tension and innuendo while chastely sharing an apartment. The writing was As predictable As the tides the conflicts were trivial the humor sophomoric and the acting ludicrously bad to non existent. At a loss for comic ideas the writers would have Susanne Somers sunbathe. When in doubt jiggle. / now it is said there is always an episode of three a company playing somewhere. 9. Tie the love boat and fantasy Island a it is impossible to convey the unreality of love boat about a cruise ship its Crew and minor guest stars because the people in it obeyed conventions of thought behaviour and dress that existed Only on television a sometimes Only on the love boat fantasy Island flouted those conventions. Ricardo Montalban played the mysterious Host of a resort Island where by magic his guests lived out their fantasies. It also featured Herve vill Chaize whose role consisted mainly of croaking a Ida plane Boss a plane a love boat produced a . Congressman Hur Vard educated Fred Quot Gopher Grandy a Iowa. 7. Hollywood squares a panel of celebrities sitting in a tic tac toe Grid three in a Row and you win celebrity quips celebrity innuendos coached panellists dreadful still it was one of the few settings where Liberace a seemed to be relaxed and spontaneous. 6. The Dukes of hazzard lbs hugely successful program about two vaguely appalachian vaguely Southern Good old boys and their beloved car a 440 , 1969. The plot. Lines weren to Tough to diagram Quot conflict. Crisis. Car Chase. End of car Chase. End of conflict. More interesting was the off camera stuff the two stars at one Point went on strike claiming they were getting ripped off in merchandising and Roy allies. The production company went on a nationwide Talent search and hired replacements but had to Settle arts take the original actors Back after the ratings plummeted. Now the names of All four actors arc Good trivia questions. 5. Animal a this show about a crime lighter who could change lasted three months on Abc in 1983. Sample dialogue a a he a out cutting Arf 4. Love connection since 1983, the syndicated love, Host Chuck Woolery has been introducing couples by videotape. This is the spiritual heir to the dating game where a Bachelor or a would ask vaguely suggestive questions to a Trio of hid a Den singles. A Bachelor no. I if you were a main dish what would you be a a 3. That a incredible this show from Abc staged stunts that were definitely incredible including one involving a daredevil who was severely burned when ire ran through a Tunnel of fire. Another featured guest an inventor later was indicted on Federal fraud charges. An expose by to guide in 1982 revealed several of the shows stunts were faked but it did no to leave the air until 1984. That s incredible. 2. Super train a one of the costliest flops in network history no cd a 1979 super train was a huge nuclear powered luxury train a love boat on rails that had a steam room Pool gym disco and no discernible ideas. It was laughed off the air after a month. A 1 a turn on a got exit a Points Lor being possibly the shortest lived televisions show Ever. Developed in la Quay Uigh in creator George Schlatter. Turn on was very much in the manner of laugh in hut was far too suggestive Lor its one broadcast 75 Abc local affiliates refused to carry it again. Abc cancelled it by the end of the week. A. Well what about the Gong show Quot anyway ? to you have your own 1st of worst shows Ever Send them along to to plus Stuis and stripes. Apo 09211, Well be glad to publish your comments left a a three a right a a love boat scene involving the Dallas cowboys cheerleaders As guest stars. Above right a fantasy january 13, 1991 sunday to plot. I Page 5
