European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 13, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Set amps Tmea amp at 55sj�ytsszs?. A greatest thrill of dieting is trying on pants Dave Barry Koght Ridder newspaper p eople often ask me a Dave what do you do for entertainment a. The answer is 1 try on pants. Its the Only real Joy i have in my life anymore because in Mon a diet. Its called the think about food All the time diet. The Way it works is you turn every experience you have into a food fantasy. For example if you re watching the movie a a alien a and you get to the part where the spaceship Crew member is lying on the table looking queasy and suddenly his Chest bursts open blood flying everywhere and out lunges this horrible Gore dripping insect like thing your reaction on the think about food All the time diet is a they i could sure go for some  on this diet if you were on a commercial jetliner seven Miles in the air and All the engines exploded and you started plummeting toward the Earth your Only thought would be a Damn i could have had the lasagna a i got on this diet because one Day several months ago my wife became possessed by demons in a mall and purchased a digital computerized bathroom scale. I have always liked the old fashioned incompetent bathroom scale the kind that makes a creaking noise when you step on it and the dial swings wildly Back and Forth As if the scale is trying to make  mind and it never gives you anywhere near the same weight twice. Plus if it seems to be registering a Little on the heavy Side you can adjust the Little Knob or simply put the scale on the Bahmat and instantly lose 27 pounds. You done to feel a lot of pressure with a scale like that. But the scale my wife brought Home was a very strict certified Public accountant of a scale. Its the kind that in scale College was always studying in the Library on Friday night when the other Scales were at wild parties puking their Springs. Out. When i stood on this new scale and it informed within one tenth of a Pound How much i weighed my immediate reaction was that a very Large parasite such As a Doberman pins her had attached itself to my body somewhere without my being aware of it. Looking Back i realize id been ignoring Subtle signs of weight gain such As that i had worn Only one pair of pants for three straight years. They were my biggest pants. The Only Way i could Wear my other pants would have been on my arms. But i did not attribute this to weight gain. I attributed it to a natural weight shift that occurs As Guys get older wherein your weight gradually shifts to your thighs from other areas such As your refrigerator. It had not occur cd to me that my pants Situa lion might be related to eating habits i had Duvel oped regarding foods such As Spray cheese. This is a kind of synthetic cheese that comes in an aerosol can like shaving Cream. You re supposed to make hours do oct arcs with it by squirting Dainty Little cheese Flowers onto crackers but i figured hey Why slave away for As Long As two seconds Over a triscuit when you can obtain instant results by squirting the cheese directly into your Mouth i was going through As Many As two cans a Day which is the biological equivalent hours do oeuvre Wise of attending nine wedding receptions. This is not natural. One of the first things you notice when you look at healthy animals in the wilderness is that they Are not spraying canned cheese into their Mouths. Of course there is nothing natural about the a a food i eat on the think about food All the time diet either. For example feat a Price cakes a which Are obviously made from the foam pellets used to protect Vars during shipment. Also i drink diet ,�?T�?T similar to the ones that Oprah Winfrey used Back when she reaped massive publicity by losing an amount of weight equivalent to All of Sally Jessy Raphael. Instead of eating a regular meal you simple drink a Glass of skim milk mixed with a special powder containing scientifically balanced chemicals that Render your body too weak to Chew. Every now and then for a major eating treat i fix myself a weight watchers Frozen entree i which is a convenient product that comes right out of the Box with most of the food already eaten for you. My guess is that this happens at the weight watchers factory which is probably staffed by diet crazed workers who grab the food As it goes by on the conveyor belts and stuff it into their Mouths leaving you with an entree the size of a cocktail Olive crouching in the Center of your 1 plate whimpering. They re working on an entree with no food at All you la Purchase a Box containing a Small Frozen plastic plate which you la just heat up and throw away. Meals like these do not leave me satisfied. Meals like these leave me thinking of ways to distract the dogs so lean quietly grab a handful of their food. The Only time i feel really Good is when in a trying on pants. Its the highlight of my existence i wish id saved my pants from High school so i could try them on. What in a looking for is a restaurant where when the waiter brings around the dessert cart he also brings a pants cart so i can select a couple of pairs and try them on in the menus room while All the Normal humans eat cheesecake. But for now ill now just stay Home waiting for the big moment when i can thaw out my dinner tonight a special molecule of beef. Not that i am asking for your sympathy. However do you plan to eat that entire tic tac Henniger Stu Slig. A Ciu Wariy copyright �19.90. Corto onut in tort sync Caje no kidding inventions named for inventors Richter scale a invented by Charles Richter hansom cab a Joseph hansom braille louts braille diesel engine a Rudolf diesel Mackintosh a Charles macintosh saxophone a Antoine Joseph sax spinet a Giovanni Spinetti Stetson a John b. Stetson doily a or. Doyley a London Draper source world features Syndicate a two most widely understood terms in the world of coca cola source new and improved a so today we have schnitzel with herbs goulash. Beef in Tomato  Page 24 c to plus sunday january 13.1991