European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 7, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Cover Story Page 6mom-and-pop operation rides through Germany Rob Staggenborg Scalf writer its a phrase that has struck horror in the hearts of Many a Europe based family the relatives Are coming Over. My parents came Over last summer and though 1 Felt grossly under qualified As a tour guide they seemed to enjoy their first transatlantic trip. I did no to. Well not really. The main problem with having relatives Over is we the Europe based people who watch baseball at ungodly hours often forget that these people who watch baseball when the suns still out know Little about Europe. A a such was the Case with my parents heretofore known As a a eds and a a Mary a the visitors from hell St Louis. Id travelled to Italy Bavaria Austria and the Frankfurt pm Complex so Europe was no big whoop to me. De was a Navy Man in his Day and head seen water mostly with a Day or two Liberty in the far East. Mary was the seasoned traveler of the two having seen Illinois and Arkansas and South St. Louis county once. They arrived in Frankfurt without much fanfare Only looks of horror that somebody would actually speak to them in a language More suited for col Klink or Hanhold Schwarzenegger. After the obligatory kiss handshake a How was your flight a a the food was horrible Quot a i Dunno Mary i Kinda liked the asparagus jell-0&Quot-�?odad, asparagus jell-0? too bad Rob Exchange at the Gate we waded our Way through the shiite muslims the iraqi army rejects and this Guy who a i swear a looked like sergeant a i know nut zing Schultz and to the baggage claim area. A ooh de look at those neat Walkie talkies those men Are wearing a Mary said As she spotted her first Polisei. A turn no a those Are Uzi machine guns a i said. A ooh my a a she said a sudden Spring emerging in her step. A you know in be been practising my German a said de who then spit out a phrase that translated very roughly meant a my shoes Are on fire and my butt is  i knew i  have but i told my parents of the International Airport fable of the Man who went for his Luggage Only to find a Kab manufactured bomb inside his hang up bag. A ooh my Mary gasped then my father said something t in German a that translated into something like a the autobahn is wearing Blue socks  a pretty Good huh Quot he asked. A ooh yeah dad has really been listening to those German tapes a lot a my mom said. We left the Airport after i finally convinced Mary there was no Kab time bomb in her hang up and convinced de he did no to need his German in the Airport because everyone spoke a Little English. The trip Home was uneventful. We pulled into my driveway peeled Mary from the rear window unloaded and prepared for our european Jaunt that would take us from Baden Baden to Aschaffenbur to Garmisch. Baden Baden was a favorite Stop on the a red and Mary european tour �?T90,�?� because the spa we visited looked like an on location set for the Golden girls. Aschaffenbur was Nice because it Wasny to bulging with tourists de took about 1 million pictures of the family at the big Castle and i done to know if it was just Luck but every Frame was 90 percent sky and 10 percent scalps. Rothenburg was nearly closed. The stores that is. They did no to close the City. It rained and we were miserable and hungry and tired of having our scalps photographed against the Gray sky so we headed straight to Garmisch. There were a few Side trips such As the Black Forest where Mary bought the obligatory cuckoo clock without music and my dad bought a really Sharp a Rich Ghec in Den Schwarzwald key rings amps Sharon Kilday that Mary tells me he has shown to something like 4.7 million Church goers an estimated 3.8 million of whom have seen it four or More times. By the time the two weeks expired As did it was time to Jet them off to America where baseball games Are accessible and bratwurst Are still considered a foreign delicacy. A they we really enjoyed our time Here red said looking Ultra touristy in his bavarian hat a deutschland Quot to shirt Button with the fuel injected rabbits and bags of pamphlets from every known 1-meter-by-l-meter plot in Germany. I had always wondered Why mom married dad but after eyeing his wardrobe i knew it was his innate sense of individuality that set him apart. We got to the Airport about a full week before the plane was to take off because Mary insisted a the clerk told us to Check in Early Quot the week went by thanks to Over priced under Quality Airport food and they were Back on the Bird Home. As we watched the plane taxi off the runway and reach a full two meters clearance Over autobahn 5,1 actually missed those people. I missed being unceremoniously tabbed As a tour guide and i pissed the wonderful Coffee and bad Caen breakfasts we  sunday july 7, 1991