European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 7, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse Voices smell of Success breaking out of the skin Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in you might be seen in the paper where scientists have isolated the human a Phero Mone a which is the Musk the skin gives out to make people Wanna do the horizontal tango. Now they re Gonna spend about $15 million to try to bottle the stuff and sell it to perfume makers. Anyhow in be known about pc Romons for years and in a sure that these Guys Are right. Consider this evidence 1. Women always comment on my body odor. 2. In a obviously affected by female Musk because my third sex wife always used to say a a done to you come sniffing around Here no 3. In 1983,1 bought a three ounce bottle of super stud sex pheromones from an and in melons monthly Magazine. But now according to researchers who have isolated the new pheromones super stud was never any Good. It was actually pheromones secreted by wild boars and so it does no to work on humans. I beg to differ. More than 30 women were attracted to me by this substance. Unfortunately All of them resembled wild boars. 4. I could always attract attention in Public by refusing to Bathe for five straight Days thereby letting my True natural Phero Monic odor permeate the air. I would walk up to bus stops and All the people who were Reading their papers would suddenly sit up straight and stare at me. It was that powerful. 5. There must be some reason i married Mary Ellen masters. This would be the first plausible explanation in be heard. 6. The scientists discovered this stuff in Salt Lake City. If they can find pheromones in those people they can find Mem anywhere. As an Experiment they bombarded one mormon woman a nose with All the pheromones they could Muster. She got so wild that she parked in a handicapped space without a valid sticker that a when they knew they had something. This stuff really works. Speaking of stuff that always works on me me Bain is one of the Best assemble the squad flicks in be seen in a Long time. And then they go around finding All these sex soldiers a one Guys a doctor another Guys a Pool Hustler a and they just show up and say Quot we re assembling the and the Guy instantly agrees to leave his Job practice Kung fun Load up with 37,000 rounds of m-16 ammo put on a Oak jacket and Parachute into any location in the world where Kevin is a in i love these movies. They sucker me in every time. In this one Christopher Walken is a pow who gets liberated on the last Day of the Vietnam War by a squad of rangers led by Chick Vennera. Now its 20 years later and Chick gets blown away by the president of Colombia w Hen he tried to Lead the peasants in a revolt against the drug lords. Pretty soon Cluck s sister Maria Conchita Alonso shows fit Christopher Walken Maria Alonso in Mcbain. Up m new York City where Walken is a welder and he save Quot i a been expecting assemble the squad time. The great thing about this version is the action sequences including a fire fight in a cocaine Plantation an air Battle with of lbs an air to ground Battle with shoulder mounted stinger missiles and plenty of tear Jerker Seu balls assaulting the peasants scenes before Christopher and friends break Down the Walls of the presidential Palace and Lead the Peoples revolution. Very satisfying. I would t show it to the colombian ambassador but a very decent flick. One Hundred fifth right dead bodies. No breasts. Kung fun. Viet Cong death Cage blood sports. Peasant massacre. Exploding Bamboo with fireballs. Three f-5 crashes. Crack House massacre. Fen gun Battles. Drive in Academy award nominations for Alonso As the Freedom fighter in Bermuda shorts with a machine gun for saying a the Berlin Wall came Down in two weeks a i know it can be done Steve James As Eastland the Security guard turned revolutionary for being in every assemble the squad Hick Ever made and Walken for doing the whole Dang movie with the same expression on his face. Three anti a half stars. Joe Bob says Check it quickie the Hunan 1922 what was the first Jack balance movie to come out after he won the Academy award amazingly enough it was this Ultra Low budget super-8 mad scientist voodoo flick produced and directed by first timer Randall Mininni of Harrisburg a. Unfortunately jacks opening narration is the dramatic High Point. One bobs advice to the hopeless Republican Alert the Reynolds drive in in Transfer pa., has been playing a closed for the season All year. No notice. No warning. No explanation. It simply did no to open. Brian Johnson of Greenville pa., is investigating but reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Dear Joe Bob i have a problem that you just May be Able to help me with. In a in love with Leonard Nimoy. No i done to mean Spock. I mean Lenny. In a 2b years old. Relatively Good looking 1 get my share of whistles from construction workers. Long red hair Long legs and highly sexed. I have a respectable Job taking my clothes off for pretentious Art students. Now you May be wondering Anil rightly so a so what the hell has this got to do with me Quot in a convinced that All i need is for someone to Tell him or at least give me his address so i can. Honest to god the Many a pushing 60. Surely he does no to get too Many offers for an under-30 sex slave. Can a help Gaillee Sluss Columbus Ohio dear Galice i know a quicker Way. Ill put on big rubber ears and a fake nose. Dear Joe Bob what is your explanation of stonehenge m Wiltshire England Laura Strojnowski Syracuse . Dear Laura after months and months of contemplation and study i think i have the answer some Guys put some rocks there. Creators Syndicate republicans giving birth to new ideas about abortion Linda Ellerbee to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob or to got free junk in Tho mail and Joe Bob s world famous to Are the weird newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs p o. Box 2002, Dallas in 75221 Joe Bob s fax line is always open 214 368-2310 heating about what was going on recently in Salt Lake City it began to occur to me that abortion May after All be an Issue this fall a big one and if it is it will be irony of ironies the republicans who made it so. They do have a problem. Some years ago the Republican Paihr Atul go Otic Bush changed their minds on the subject of unwilling motherhood. They decided they were for it. Mostly they wanted the votes of those groups of people who stood against legalized abortion. So they rang that Bell. The Republican party rang that Bell a they included a platform calling for a constitutional ban on abortion a and out of the closet came these people the single Issue voters. A Chi there. You say you done to know diddly about the Economy but you re against abortion Why sure ill vote for and the Republican party looked at that and called it Good. And now at last the Republican party is forced to think again. Polls show that perhaps As Many As two thirds of All republicans believe women not govern ment should have the Choice in these matters but most importantly they re no longer sure their ant Choice platform is getting them the votes they thought it would. There a evidence it might be Cost ing the gop votes. A if its a Damn winning platform Why Arentt we winning a Ann Stone head of republicans for Choice said at a reception in Salt Lake City sponsored by planned parenthood. She said the party a anti abortion stand contributed to a net loss of two governors two senators and nine House members in 1990. In he changes began in 1989, when the rust decision handed Down by a conservative supreme court scared women across the country made them see their Basic rights of Choice could actually be taken from them. Now when it looks like the supreme court probably will overturn Roe is. Wade sometime this summer women Are More than scared. They re mad As hell. And so there they were the Republican platform committee members holding their hearing on abortion in Salt Lake City and most appropriately. Last year the state of Utah enacted a virtual ban on All elective abortions that was immediately challenged and has not been enforced pending a Federal Couit ruling on its constitutionality. Outside both sides tried to out shout one another one Side saying its time for a change that the re publican party must be big enough to hold both views on abortion the other Side urging the party to hold fast. Inside Phyllis Schlafly was saying abortion is the defining difference Between the Republican and democratic parties and making veiled threats that both the party and the president will suffer if the president or the Republican party softens its stand on abortion. Apparently changing ones mind a also called growth a is of if you re a thinking human being but not if you re president i Hope Schlafly is right. I Hope abortion does become the defining difference Between the Republican and democratic parties this year because if it does and if people vote based on that the republicans will lose. Rig time. A 7, 1992 3unday Page 21
