European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 13, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Gifts crawling with spiders Worms mice and leeches by Dave Barry for the third straight year despite numerous threats of Federal prosecution we Are proud to present our Holiday gift guide. You have no idea How much work we put into this. The Effort began Way Back in april when we assembled our team of gift guide buyers gave each one an unlimited expense account and sent them off to scour the Globe in search of the ultimate in unique and tasteful gift concepts. We have Learned to a expect the unexpected from our highly trained shopping professional but even we were amazed when six months later none of them returned. We have no idea where they Are now although the state department has notified us that at one Point they threw a party that resulted in considerable damage to Belgium. What this Means is that for the third straight year we do not have any tasteful gift concepts for our Holiday gift guide. But this setback has not dampened our Holiday spirits. We Are like the whose the cute and plucky Little critters who had their Christmas stolen away from them by the mean old Grinch in the or. Seuss Story How the Grinch stoic Christmas. Even though the Grinch took away All the whose material things a their gifts and Trees a he could not take away their Holiday spirit. And thus the who were Able in the Story a heartwarming conclusion to put together a Holiday gift guide and charge advertisers a lot of Money to be in it. That is the spirit that drives us Here at the Holiday gift command Center. We cancelled All our regular appointments and spent close to a full hour assembling the collection of gift items you arc about to see. We want to stress that we re not making any of these items up. They Are real things that we purchased with Miami Herald Money that might otherwise have been used by real reporters to gather actual news. We also want to stress that we never put any item into the gift guide until it has been subjected to rigorous testing procedures. So we feel confident in offering our unique lifetime consumer satisfaction guarantee if you Purchase an item featured in this gift guide and at any Point during your lifetime you become for any reason less that 100 percent satisfied with it then nyah nyah nyah. And we stand behind those words. Auto Security spider $24.95 from aah 14548 Ventura blvd., Sherman Oaks Calif. 91403, phone 818 907-0300. Consider this in the United states an automobile is stolen every 14.7 seconds. If that statistic scares you think How we Felt when we made it up. Because we were fully aware that the actual statistic could be even worse. That a Why chances Are there a somebody on your Holiday gift list who would like nothing better than to receive a Quality car Security device. But which one probably the Best known car Security device is the club. This product is advertised extensively via a to commercial wherein a person claiming to be a police officer tells you that he a standing on a spot from which a car has just been stolen. What bothers us about this commercial is this if the police officer knows the car has just been stolen Why Isnit he doing anything about it Why is he just standing there yammering away about the club is that what the taxpayers Are paying him to do  he be chasing the car thief or could it be that a we done to want to Start rumours but we have to consider every possibility a the thief has stolen the police officers car in that Case we have to ask ourselves if the club is really All its cracked up to be. We have to ask ourselves if there is perhaps another car Security product on the Market that would offer Superior automotive Protection plus certain other useful qualities such As being Able to float in a swimming Pool. Fortunately there is such a product the spider. This is a High Quality piece of Limp plastic that can be easily wadded into a Glove compartment. When you Park your car you simply remove the spider spend a pleasant and relaxing 10 or 15 minutes blowing it up and void French meaning a a Eek you have a Large inflated arachnid on your hands. To Arm your Security device you simply fasten the spiders legs around your steering wheel using the convenient velcro strips. You can now walk away in a Carefree manner knowing that even the most hardened professional thief is going to think twice before Messing with your vehicle lies la take one look at the spider and wisely elect to move on to a More vulnerable car such As me protected by the Hamster. We Are not just blowing smoke when we make these claims. We tested the spider in a real world environment involving an actual car. We observed the car for a full minute and absolutely nothing happened a despite printed statistics indicating that during that time the average car should have been stolen four times. But there a More the spider can also he used As a personal Security device. Yes. If you find yourself in a neighbourhood frequented by violent criminals simply inflate the spider fasten it around your neck and stroll confidently on your Way As the criminals give you a wide berth for fear of coming in Contact with your saliva. Eight foot beef stick about $3. Manufactured by Bridgford food corp., 170 n. Green st., Chicago Iii. 60607, phone 312 733-0300. A constant headache this time of year is deciding what to feed your Holiday guests. On the one hand you want a dish that is easy to prepare. On the other hand you want something that takes an extremely Long time to Chew. Well look no further Ocause this eight foot beef stick is exactly the Holiday food product for you. We purchased our beef stick at an Iowa City Iowa Kmart. It was part of a Nice display at the Cash Register to attract those impulse buyers who get to the checkout counter and say to themselves a they i could go for eight feet of beef stick right about  that a the Beauty of the beef stick you can eat it continued on Page to a gut poor a of Jeff stick , a a Amhi Ishmil i Liln lil l .,.Yum.Yum.Yum. December 13, 1992 sunday a Page 5