European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 13, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 24amazing How All those gaffes Are conceived James j. Kilpatrick the writer s Art most of flip goofs gaffes bloopers and howlers that float across my desk May be easily explained. A weekly paper in Seguin Texas carried an item in september about the democratic senatorial primary in new York. The apparent Winner was Robert Abrams a but is. Ferraro is not conceiving until All the Absentee ballots Are of the writer meant a conceding a not readers May have been startled but they were not wholly mystified. But what is one to make of an and for men s clothing a store in Asheville n.c., was promoting Slacks As a the accomplice to our Navy accomplice. Maybe i get easily puzzled. A weekly paper in Greenwood Village colo., carried a social note last year that still nags at me. It began a the Cherry Hills Home of Rusty and Linda Scott is becoming a frequent destination for decadent the rest of the Story had nothing at All to do with decadence. The Scotts party was a another notch in the belts of these wonderful Usa today carried an item a year ago about the Nancy Story a lbs film about an Iowa woman who was raped and went Public with the Story. The actress who played the Lead role explained a the message is that people can realize that As venal a crime As rape is they done tha e to allow the act to ruin their venal rape Isnit a venal crime. Venal crimes involve bribery. Certainly rape Isnit a venial crime either for venial crimes Are trivial offences. Beats me. Lots of things beat me. In Greenville s.c., several years ago a minor Flap developed when a criminal suspect was freed on minimal bail. A spokesman for the magistrates court apologized a it Wasny to handled in the most prolific Way a he said. What did the gentleman mean in Denver a year ago a Man was sentenced to 40 years in prison for sexually assaulting girls ranging in age from 6 to 13. Prosecutor Karen Steinhauser was satisfied a i believe James Bolton is one of the most dangerous perpetrators of children i have seen in my 10 years with this that a the Way it came out in the Rocky Mountain news anyhow. What was the mystery word predator maybe who knows the Boston Globe carried a Story in March marking the 10th anniversary of the death of comedian John Belushi. He killed himself with injections of he Roin. A talk of his Needle decimated arms was the ugly unfunny Coda to a life Given to making others what a a decimated Arm Only a few purists continue to insist upon the original meaning of a decimate a which had to do with killing every 10th person chosen by lot. Sudden thought was the writer reaching for a desiccated arms Quot something that is desiccated is dried up. Maybe that a what Belushi a arms were. It happens All the time we reach for a word As if we were in a supermarket reaching for a bottle of Ketchup and we pick up a bottle of Salsa instead. The National newspaper association sent a memorandum to state press associations last year asking them to mobilize Small newspapers to fight a Bill in Congress. To enlist Large newspapers would be a tactical error a Large newspapers at this Point will just exasperate this things went in reverse in fort Wayne ind., where the journal Gazette carried a Story on the increasing rate of breast cancer. A nobody really knows Why and for Many physicians its to exasperate is to irritate provoke annoy. To exacerbate is to make something worse. A second Cousin of both verbs is acer Bate which carries an overtone of bitterness. I Haven to seen a citation of a racer Bate in years but it May have been an emotion Felt by Many losing candidates in last months elections. Beloved readers and fellow word worriers please keep on the Lookout for citations of a a dysfunctional and i have an apprehensive feeling that these overstuffed words Are gaining acceptance. Let us sit on them before they grow. I Inisi areal or Ftp surely steers Clear of real buses Tony Kornheiser Bill Clinton announced he will be taking a bus to the inaugural. A bus. A great populist statement. Except Clinton has no intention of taking a real bus trip on a real bus. He a taking one of those buses the Rock stars take a Bonnie Raitt bus with a Var and a refrigerator. They Call it a a motor the bus that travels the 12-hour, thoroughly nauseating route from new York City to Buffalo with stops absolutely everywhere a and believe me you be never seen Elmira n.y., until you be seen it from a bus station a has never been called a a motor they called it the vomit Comet. In the theater of transportation a Long distance bus is the gum on the Bottom of the seat. Clinton and his Radical Chic populist Arkansas friends sign up slice. Asks can you spell your name right every Lime Are boarding in Charlottesville a. Big Deal. That a two hours to Washington. You can Ilo that standing up. Hey pal if you re any kind of Man you la get on at Little Rock and keep going All night and through the morning so when you finally get to Washington you la be carrying your Teeth in your hand. Do those 891 hard Miles on a bus with a warm or. Pepper and a stale cheese Sandwich and then Well talk. By the Way Billy holler if you be heard this one How can you Tell a Guy from Arkansas he a the one who asks you to come Over and help take the wheels off his new House i want to know the last time Clinton took a real bus. Not a commuter bus where the worst thing that can happen is you have to stand for 0 minutes and smell the hair of the people next to you. A real bus. Like in Midnight Cowboy. Of and in a sure a1 Gore takes them All the time. Growing up in a posh Washington d.c., hotel and going to St. Albans prep and Harvard in a sure Gore was a regular Ralph a Ramdon. The Only thing he knows about trailways is that he owned the a Stock. A real bus a. Smells bad. B. Smells really bad. C. Smells like Marge Schotts sneaker. D. All of the above and sometimes the person sitting next to you actually Dies. You know what in be always wondered about a bus How come the steering wheel lies Flat keeping with our political theme i took this question to Marlin Fitzwater and he offered this explanation a the wheel must have come from the 1949 Ford Sedan. I had one of those with a Flat wheel and i put a big Knob on it to steer it real fast. Where 1 grew up in Kansas the ice was so thick if you whipped that Knob around you could really slide that the main reason Long distance buses smell so bad is that people who buy tickets on Long distance buses tend to ride on those buses for Long distances and unless they have the bladder of a Moose there comes a Point where they have to go to the bathroom which is tucked in the very Back of the bus often next to a dead person. Have you Ever opened the door and caught a whiff full in the face report Ely Saddam Hussein has written a letter to greyhound asking for the have you been on a real bus lately after about three hours some crazy person will stand up in the aisle and begin shouting Why Are you people talking about me people who ride the buses lately Are either desperately poor completely psychopathic repeat Drunken driving offenders or people who Are saving up to go to Las vegas. In a telling you Woody Guthrie would t get on a bus anymore. My Friend Nancy remembers terrible Long bus Clinton and Gores on Campaign bus in october. Trips to and from College a like there a any other kind. A a there a always someone pretending to fall asleep on your shoulder and the next thing you know you be got some big fat Guys head in your Crotch and he a banking that you re too embarrassed to Tell him to get the hell out of like most of you my first experience with buses was a school bus. I think Back to pleasant trips on my yellow school bus where the leather had Long ago been ripped away so you were sitting directly on the Springs so that when the bus a which had no Shock absorbers to begin with and have passed inspection in Kuala Bumpur a went Over a bump you were impaled. You a come Home with coiled Spring Marks on your behind. Your parents would wonder if you were tortured by a madman with a Pogo stick. I think Back to How Well behaved we were on the bus How orderly. After we beat up the smaller boys we threw pencils and pocket knives at the bus Driver hoping we would kill her or at the least wound her enough to where shed lose control of the bus and plunge Over an embankment a killing us All. I bring my own children to the bus Stop now and wonder How it is that i can Trust their Fate to a and i mean this in the very Best Way a a Driver who looks like he has left a string of bodies Chain sawed to from Here to Elpaso. I mean the last time i saw anyone with a pallor like that was at Mao a Tomb. It was Mao. Creators Syndicate sunday december 13, 1992
