European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 19, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse Cover Story oliday i Barry Christmas from the cover give them Purina Elf Chow but forget about them. The Holiday retail frenzy season is upon us and you need to be thinking about what special gift items you will be purchasing for those special people on your list and that is Why for the fourth straight year we have taken time out from our Busy schedule to put together Bur annual Holiday gift guide. We done to want to Quot toot our own Horn a but we happen to think that this is the Best gift guide Ever As measured in total elapsed time required to put it All together 43 minutes a gift guide official gift guide theme our theme this year is a gifts that do not Cost a lot of Money yet Are at the same time we Are pleased to report that the average item in this years guide costs less than s20. But done to let the Low prices fool you if you Purchase these items and give them As gifts the Lucky recipients will never guess that you paid so Little. The Lucky recipients will guess that you found these items in a dumpster. Nevertheless we want to stress that every item meets our gift guide standards of Quality Excel Lenic which Means 1. These Are real items that you can actually buy. We swear we did not make any of them up not even the nose spreader. 2. These items have passed our rigorous inspection program. Before we in elude any item in the gift guide we always inspect it carefully to see if maybe it is something that we might actually want to take Home. So far we never have. 3. These items Are backed by our exclusive 100 percent buyer Protection plan. If you Purchase a gift guide item and for any reason you Are dissatisfied you May obtain a full Cash refund merely by sending the item to us along with your receipt and a color photograph of Tipper Gore naked a a we Are just kidding. Black and White is thrower $ 19,50 from Orvis historic route 7a, . Box 798, Manchester Al. 05254-0798, phone 800 5413541. Suggested by Carol Bellinger of Spokane Wash. This is the perfect gift for anybody on your Holiday list who has a need for a mechanical device capable of throwing round crackers great distances. According to the Orvis Catalon this device was designed Quot to launch crackers into the air As challenging biodegradable targets for trap but the Catalon notes that you can also use it a at the Beach As a sea Gull the Catalon states that this device a which comes in both right handed and left handed models a is capable of throwing a Cracker a up to 60 Yards at in credible this leads us to think of a couple of additional uses for it such As personal Protection. In today a crime Ridden Urban environment you can give no More precious gift to a loved one than the gift of Security. And think How secure your loved one would feel if he or she had the Olivis Cracker thrower Preto add tucked away in his or her pocket or purse ready to be pulled out the instant that trouble arises. Your hardened Urban criminals Are definitely going to have second thoughts about attacking a potential victim who is capable of launching a High Speed Cracker at dose Range especially if it is one of the technologically advanced High Impact assault crackers available to the general Public. Quot us of sesame seeds lets get out of Here Quot Quot yeah those things really sting a. Dinner parties. A major headache for the modern Host or hostess who does not have Domestic help and is trying to keep an Eye on things in the Kitchen while at the same time making sure that the guests have plenty to nibble on. Think How convenient it would be for the Host or hostess on your gift list if instead of wasting valuable time walking All the Way from the Kitchen to the living room to replenish the hours do oeuvres tray he or she could simply Load a Cracker a perhaps even with an adhesive Topping on it a into this device and transport it directly to an appreciative guest at speeds normally associated with air to air missiles hostess from the Kitchen Roger How about some More liver pie guest Well i guess i could eat one More Gack thud. Other guests hastily none for us thanks banana tree 13.95 from card Wright gifts 340 Appl Creek rd., Lincoln neb. 68544-8503, phone 402 4745174. Our feeling Here at the Holiday gift command Center is that a person can never have too Many ludicrously specialized Kitchen devices. That is Why we own a Tupperware devised egg transporter which we have conscientiously packed up and taken from House to House with us As we have moved Over the years even though we have never to the Best of our recollection actually transported any devised eggs in it. On those extremely rare occasions when we make devised eggs we always consume them immediately. Sometimes we just whip up the Yolk and Mayonnaise part and eat it directly out of the bowl with a spoon and throw the White pan away. But still or hang on to our devised egg transporter we also have a among Many other Kitchen accessories a a Fondue set a Waffle Iron a wok a bread maker and a cuisinart with specialized attachments for every conceivable food related activity including liposuction. Going through our Kitchen equipment you would probably get the impression that we actually use these things. Whereas in fact the primary function of our Kitchen is to provide us with a place to leave our car keys so we can find them quickly when it s time to go out and locate food that has been prepared by professionals. But the Point is that you cannot have too Many Kitchen implements and neither can anybody on a your Holiday gift list which is Why we Are so excited about this banana tree. It s made of High Quality White plastic and consists of two parts 1 a base part and 2 a part that you stick into the base part and hang your bananas on. There Are Many Many advantages to hanging your bananas rather than Plang them in a fruit bowl. Here is just a partial list of these advantages i. Your bananas will not get any bowl transmitted diseases. We could go on and on but there simply is not enough space. Suffice it to say that this is a great gift idea and since its also very inexpensive you can buy banana Trees by the dozen thereby killing numerous Holiday gift giving Birds with one Stone. Suppose for example that you Are an employer. Imagine How excited your employees would be if instead of getting the same old Boring Holiday Cash Bonus each one received a shiny Brand new banana tree they would a be very excited in our opinion. You a probably want to have a loaded Cracker thrower on hand to subdue them. Please note that according to our tests this banana tree can also be used for socks or fish. Dog life Vest $16.95 from the safety zone 2515 e. 43rd st., Chattanooga Tenn 37422-7247, phone 800 9993030. Suggested by George Mundstock of Miami. Ask yourself this question How often do you pick up the morning newspaper read a Story about yet another tragic drowning incident involving a dog then slam your fist Down and say Quot can nothing be done to Stop this Quot if you answered Quot four or five times per week at minimum a then you simply must Purchase this dog life Vest Bott for yourself and for the dog owners on your list perhaps you Are saying Quot wait a minute. Done to dogs know How to swim Quot yes they know theoretically. Bui dogs know a lot of things theoretically we happen to have two dogs and they theoretically know that they Are not allowed to eat food off the Coffee table. Nevertheless there have been a number of times when having left the living room on a Brief errand we have returned to discover Large sectors of pizza missing and both of our dogs looking guilty and desperately pressing their bodies into the floor hoping that we will not notice them or mistake them for Large Collar wearing dust balls. Yes dogs Are fully capable of forgetting the things that they theoretically know and swimming could be in of these things. We feel that no dog in a so called civilized society should be allowed to go anywhere near a body of water including toilets if it is a Small dog without wearing a life Vest. We also think that the Federal government should consider requiring that All dogs Wear crash helmets. Our larger dog Earnest White in Pursuit of real or imaginary Woodland creatures routinely runs headfirst into Large inanimate objects such As our House. This could theoretically result in damage to her brain if she had bag $24.95 from Collar Craft . Box 490, mount Vernon to. 65712, phone 800 548-0908. Sug Page 4 sunday december 19. 1993 / a
