European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 19, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse A right left at tags Joe Bob Briggs. Goes to the drive in of times people say to me Quot Joe Bob you Are such a whiny and sometimes people say to me a Joe Bob you Are such a Golding redneck right and sometimes people say to me Quot what the Heck Are you anyhow a a and i Don t get it. I Don t get this Liberal conservative thing. So in a Gonna turn it Back around on you people who think this Way what the Heck Are you talking about i mean i could understand using Quot Liberal and Quot conservative to talk about people in the �?T50s, but 1 honestly done to know what a Liberal or a conservative is. Quot a a a when i think of a Liberal i think of some Paunchy Guy wearing a bad Toupee who teaches sociology at a Junior College in Vermont and drinks too much White wine and organizes rallies about South Africa and hates the Kun flux klan. He assumes that if you re not just like him then you must love the Kun flux klan and so he hates you too. When 1 think of a conservative i think of a Guy with an $80 haircut who works in marketing and has shoes that match his Belt. He loves people like Ted Turner and Lee Iacocca and Tom Clancy and he eats too Many lobster dinners and says Quot kick butt All the time As in Quot boy did we kick butt he assumes that if you re not just like him then you must be one of the welfare cheaters who Are running this county into the ground. I hate these people. Both kinds. I can already hear the people who Are agreeing with me a people like unitarians who think Quot we can All get along together if we just accept All Points of View.�?�. 1 hate these people too. You can to accept All Points of View. Most Points of View Are absolute Bull stuff. Or the libertarians a the ones who say a a we re liberals on social issues like race and we re conservatives on economic issues like free these people Are obnoxious because their whole philosophy assumes we re All Able to do exactly the same things and that we should pull ourselves up by our Bootstraps because there Are no retarded people in the world. If you really believe in a free Enterprise dog eat dog world where the strongest survive then you Don t care if the retarded people get eaten up by the stronger people. So once and for All in a not a Liberal. In a not a conservative. In a not a unitarian a libertarian h free thinker a right Winger a left Winger a com. Mie a whig or a member of the Bull Moose party. I hate All political creeds equally. In a just an old grouch. James Earl Jones and Eric Roberts seek a doctor who s kidnapping women in the ambulance. Hope this clears everything up. Speaking of screwed up politics the weirdest people in new York City can always be found in the films of the master Larry Cohen creator of it s alive the stuff maniac cop q the winged scr pent and Many other classics. The Man has done it again with the ambulance starring Eric Roberts As a Good Guy and Cohen regular James Earl Jones As a zonked out cop and a Best of All a red buttons As a 74-Ycar-old new York Post reporter with indigestion and a heart problem who s convinced he s Gonna win the pulitzer prize if he can help Eric figure out Why an evil ambulance is terrorizing the streets of the Apple picking up diabetics and taking them away to some place where they re never seen again. Four dead bodies. Nightstick strangling. Six motor vehicle chases with crash and Burn. Runaway Stretcher on the strict it la Jerry Lewis. Three fist fights. Kung fun. Chloroform fun. Ambulance fun. Bedpan fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Janine Turner As the Gal whom Roberts is drooling Over when she collapses on the Strett causing him to give up everything else in his lift in an attempt to find her for saying Quot they were Gonna sell me like an animal Stan Lee the comic Book Genius for playing the editor of Marvel comics and doing a Dang Fine Job Eric Branden As the dreary doctor for saying a yes i will eventually Kilt you but i assure you you la be in perfect health when you die Jones As the gum chewing lieutenant for saying Quot one thing about women they always turn up and buttons As the cantankerous reporter for saying Quot How Many patients have you killed today nurse. Frinstein a three stars. Joe Bob says Check it bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over communism the twin City drive in on Volunteer Parkway in Bristol tenn., has been operated by the same couple a to and Margaret Diggs a Ever since it opened in 1950, and just finished another great season. In 1977 the screen was knocked Down by a Tornado but they quickly rebuilt. Todd Wyatt reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Dear Joe Bob its redundant hearing from the snivelling whiners who accuse you of being politically incorrect and Offin Sivc yet persist in Reading your column. See they know they like it but they can to admit that so they have to turn it into something Nasty. I done to actually watch the movies you review but i miss your sunday column be. Cause its funny Well written and informative. 1 am a vegetarian. Goddess Loving artist wife and Mother of two Small children. But i feel sorry for people who Are so locked into the Dogma of their own lives that they Are actually self censored. To the astonishment of some of the yuppies surrounding me i prefer Metallica to spineless new age drone music. Joe Bob you too Are giving us a Good time while having one yourself people As self important As your critics ought to get a seat in Congress instead of funding schools and environmental action they could pass legislation regarding the placement of drive ins with relation to laundromats. If it Hasni to already been done. Rebecca Hale incline Village Nev. Dear Rebecca in a with you. I hate those noisy laundromats interfering with traffic on the weekends. A creators Syndicate Frank Zappa a musical zingers live on Linda Ellerbee to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bobot to get tree Unk in the mail and his world famous newsletter the Joe Bob report write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002, Dallas Texas 75221. Joe Bob s fax Tine is always open 214 363-2310 s orc nights we Hadnot been off the air two minutes when the phone on the set would ring. Some nights i would imagine i could Tell which ring was his. It was louder More insistent a ring that demanded an answer or so i imagined at the time. However when Ali a news overnight went off the air it was 2 30 in the morning. I was not at my Best. Not ready for mental gymnastics. Not ready to defend the nights news. But there it was. The ring. His ring. I picked up the phone. A Nellc Rocc we weren to pals. I never even met the Man but for a while in the Early and middle�?T80s, Frank Zappa and i had this irregular phone thing going. 1 thought about those Calls when i heard that Francis Vincent Zappa jr., social critic reluctant Rock Star world class composer guitar virtuoso production wizard and just about the Only human Ever to take on Tipper Gore in Public had died a or As the family said in its statement Quot left for his final tour a and though i would wish him an end to any pain i sure was sorry to hear he was gone. The Man was a gift. Of a really weird gift. Util still his music did what Aristotle said Good music should do it defied description and demanded to be heard. For instance there was All this jazz and classical stuff in his Rock v Roll. And Why not As a Friend who knows about these matters says a Frank Zappa was the first Rock musician who did his then there were the words. It tells you a lot that today when a local radio station asked people to Call in requests for their favorite Zappa songs most of the stuff people wanted to hear for reasons of taste be played on the air. Still. Yes Sass. How pleasant that Frank Zappa swords have not lost their Power to offend. Because it is the Man s words we will remember longest. Not the music. The words. What Frank Zappa had to say was important and his death makes me sad for those of us who believe it is the duty of every citizen to keep his Mouth open. You see Frank Zappa was a Patriot. A real american Patriot. Zappa questioned journalists with the same Fervour he questioned politicians and he could t understand Why most journalists did no to seem As passionate about the first amendment As he was. One other thing. Zappa made you laugh. Now Quick. Name another Rock Star who did that a deadly serious Man he was funny about his politics Industrial Siren la acerbic sort of like Bob Dole might be if he were twice As smart and had a heart. In 1985, when Tipper Gore tried to censor or it least restrict Access to music with Raunchy lyrics Zappa in testimony before a congressional panel ridiculed her assertion that lyrics could promote deviant behaviour. Quot i wrote a song about dental floss a but did anyone s Teeth get cleaner a he asked her. Ahead of the pack Back in the year 1966, when a the �?T60s�?� were not yet a matter of smarmy com me realism much less a thing of ridiculous nostalgia Frank Zappa broke up his band and when they asked him Why he said he was tired of playing for people who clapped for All the wrong reasons. And so it goes. King feature syn Diccie december 19. 1993 sunday Page 21
