European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 19, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Sidelights what a wonderful about Christmas shows not much by Mike littwin the Baltimore Sun i have four words to say to you and in a better world i  have to resort to this. But Berc goes it s a wonderful life. Now your reaction says everything about you. If you re a Good sensitive kind person you Start to get just a wee bit stiffly and maybe talk about Jimmy Stewart and about How dam decent he is and How you even like his poetry and by the Way in t Clarence just the cutes Tittle guardian Angel Guy. On the other hand if you re like me you hit the Remote faster than you can say Bonanza reunion show. This is not my fault. It is Quot their Quot fault. You know who a they Quot Are. A they Quot Are the ones who schedule to shows. A a they have made me this Way. I started to say Scrooge like but i can to stand to watch him anymore either except of course the or. Magoo version which like the Early Woody flicks you just can to see too often done to get me wrong. In be got nothing against Christmas. In fact if i get that Dylan Box set in be a been hinting at it could be a really great Christmas. My problem is with the Christmas season. As you know it began officially after thanksgiving although Santa hit the malls sometime i believe in late july. He landed on a surfboard if memory serves. In fact i think it was a red nosed surfboard. Not that commercialization three words for potential gift givers cd cd cd bothers me. In be been won Over on that Point. If you look really closely you can see the spirit of Christmas blinking in your Mastercard Hologram. Its the predictability of it Alt that gets me. It s the same every nearness of it. The shopping season always starts with the Macy a chapter 11 thanksgiving Day Parade. In a always thankful i done to have a big screen to because even on my 19-Incher, the giant snoopy balloon gives me nightmares. The movie season begins almost immediately afterwards. My idea of a Christmas movie is this is spinal tap or anything in the Monty Python collection. A their Quot idea is always the same idea. Or three ideas you Start with it s a wonderful life. That  be so bad if they tried to spice it up. In my version Clarence would take Rush Limbaugh. Around and show him How the world would be if head never been born and of course everything would be much better. Then you get a Christmas Carol the old version the really old version the and plated version the musical version the muppet version and the Tom Clancy version in which Scrooge builds nuclear submarines in his backyard. The Best one a Scrooge a stars Bill Murray and has buddy Hackett playing Ebenezer Scrooge rarely makes to. Too funny. Finally there a a Miracle on 34th Street which proves there is a Santa which would be Fine. Except one of the incarnations stars Burl Ives who gave us Holly Jolly Christmas which plays nonstop at the malls. Worse than the movies Are the to specials. Every year the same ones. Over and Over. Do they think we re so knocked out on eggnog and Vodka that we done to notice maybe they re right. There Scharlie Brown s Christmas in which he gets the Dippy Christmas tree and Lucy or is it Ross Perot grabs the football away from him. You be got Rudolph. And frosty. And the chipmunks. And lbs Harry Connuck or. In in to Christmas special sesame Street Christmas or is that an ice show we can to leave out the Grinch i kind of like the Grinch but you guessed that already did no to you you can understand the cartoons. I know what it s like to have a Little kid. They have this repetitive movie syndrome you hear so much about. I know one kid who watched the Little Mermaid for 837 straight Days until the Var spontaneously combusted. But that does t explain the Waltons Christmas does it dad makes it Home All right am i spoiling the ending for you also we won world War ii. And Clinton beat Bush. Actually in Mok to this Point. That s because 1 Haven to mentioned Andy Williams special. Or Perry Comous if in fact Perry Como is still alive. There is one new special this year. It stars Harry Connick jr., the gun toting Sinatra Wannabe who thinks it s 1940. You want a modern Christmas How about or. Dress gangsta Santa special. Or Beavis and Bullhead s huh huh. Huh is. Hoho to. And i done to know about you but id pay real Money to see Axl Rose Iri a sweater. For a night amid dogs by Kevin Cowherd the Baltimore Sun. A i Here can be no question among reasonable people that the most horrible Christmas song of All time is the singing dogs rendition of Jingle Bells. For anyone actually unfamiliar with the ahem lyrics imagine three or four vicious mutts Barking their fool Heads off behind a Chain link Fence. Suddenly a conductor in White tic and tails appears and taps a Baton lightly against a music stand. With that the Barking lakes on a hauntingly familiar cadence that sounds almost like. Well you be the judge 1 proof proof proof proof proof proof proof proof proof Woof proof. If further proof is needed that there Are certain things animals should never be asked to do another horrid version of Jingle Bells by Alvin and the chipmunks is also trotted out this time of year. The song is warbled in such a High pitched Chip Funky kind of voice that even the most dedicated animal rights activist will be reaching for a Shotgun to take out one of the Little critters. Another mainstay on the All time worst Christmas song list is the supremely annoying grandma got run Over by a Reindeer. This is the unconvincing tale of a Reindeer who inexplicably runs amok on Christmas eve and tramples an elderly woman. This brings us to the Little drummer boy a song that All too vividly illustrates Why certain children should be denied Access to musical instruments. Whether its the valium like Dirge Sung by Perry Como or a More upbeat new agey rendition by the 15th or so hypnotic a a rum pah Pum Pum Quot the Lis ten of is praying for a Large Anvil to drop out of the sky and smash the boys drum to Smithereens. With All of Michael Jackson s Legal problems of late i hesitate to mention that the Man is also responsible for ruining Christmas each year for millions of god fearing americans. As a member of the dysfunctional Jackson five some time ago he recorded the incredibly gooey / saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus which still nauseated pm radio devotees to this Day. Whipped along by the hormonal stirrings of Michael Tito Jermaine club i saw Mommy. Kissing a Santa Claus alludes to a child a horror when he discovers his Mother involved in a tryst with Santa Santa confined to the North pole for 364 Days of , apparently treats these Christmas eve runs Down the Chimney As the equivalent of two weeks of ramp a in Bangkok if you catch my Drift whatever. Between the Jacksonsr cat caught in the screen door falsetto and Overly cute improvise Lions a i did i  kissing Santa Claus quo the song quickly takes on All the Charm of a 10-car pileup and leaves the listener in need of a quiet room in which to collect ones thoughts. If All that is not enough evidence that the apocalypse is at hand there is the bizarre duo of Frank Sinatra and Cyndi Lauper collaborating on Santa Claus is coming to town this lame Effort lends instant credence to the Rumor that the chairman of the Board May have suffered a nervous breakdown recently. It also explains Why Laup cry a career has bet n on hold since the Early 80s, and Why she is reportedly considering a position As a Domestic at a Days inn in los Angeles. Finally we come to Barry Manilow s halting rendition of silent sight which suggests a Man fighting through the Haze of a Barbiturate overdose and groping groggily for the phone to dial 911. The listener unless also Well sedated will be tempted to do the same. December 19. 1993 sunday x Page 1