European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 19, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse If Only it were in the proper place James j. Kilpatrick the writers Art to offence against syntax is More irritating than the misplacement of Quot Only and no offence against syntax is More a easily avoided. 1 holler about this Only once a year so please lend an ear. Suppose i had just written Quot i Only holler about this once a it would have been a completely different statement. To say that i Quot Only holler Sug gusts that i do not jump up and Down or stage a demonstration or set off fireworks. I Only holler. A year ago i heard from Robert Berry of Shreveport la. The British he said have a splendid device for checking on the Correct placement of in Many constructions they try Quot but in its Stead. Loolu what happens from a baseball writer in 1992 a Marvin Freeman normally a Middle reliever who Only has three career saves said his ninth inning against the pirates was his surely the writer would not have said that Freeman but has three saves. From the associated press Quot Mike Mcgee has Only been South Carolina s athletic director for three weeks and already he has cleared up two years of it would have been ludicrous to write that a Mike Mcgee has but been director for three weeks. The Wall Street journal last year described a newly developed Public toilet that was being tested in new York a the regular ones can Only accommodate one person at a test it a the regular ones can but accommodate one person at a during the 1992 presidential Campaign the new York times watched As vice president Dan Quayle played basketball with a group of teen agers. He showed fancy dribbling said the times Quot but he Only hit one of six the times never would have said a but he but hit one of six this horrid example comes rom an account of a Tennis tournament Quot Guy forget fired six aces Only lost six Points on serve and never faced a break the reporter meant to say that forget a lost Onty six Points on serve. The lexis Legal research program advertised in the National Law journal a if All lawyers did Legal re search the same Way then wed Only offer one pricing Quot option in the body of the and lexis compared its prices to the higher prices of a competing system a if you wer6 to choose the hourly Billing system on lexis the same search would Only Cost you $77.�?� obviously the and writer had an Only problem. The writer meant to say that Quot wed offer Only one pricing he meant to say that a the same search would Cost you Only $77.�?� the v8 people have been advertising a new Light i tangy product with this enticement a and its Only got half the i suppose a a its is an attempted contraction of a it has a which gives us a and it has Only got half the sodium a an absolutely abominable construction but let it go the Point is not exactly Joy Over water to a a pm m f Tony Kornheiser Wjt Icv this week above my favorite urinal at work in the capital of the United states of America there appeared a new sign. It said Quot done to drink the water.�?�. Clearly this has gone too far. Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink a unless you want to spend the next 10-12 Days. Super glued to a toilet scat. Remember that midwinter vacation you always wanted to take that exotic Little getaway Surprise its Here Lien Venios a Mexico actually Welcome to Washington , done to drink the water. This is apparently the first Benefit of Naftal water is forbidden these Days for fear of something called which is a. The rashes Superman gets when exposed to Krypton ii. B. The ancient hidden a cry to Quot language a Midi ump of a Spur a which allowed mushrooms to communicate. C. A microorganism found in animal w Aste. An Mal waste whatever happened to the �?T60s, when you could get something Good in the water Supply like Ltd d. A Gigantic and fairly comical false alarm demonstrating that the threat of an epidemic of diarrhoea however Remote is enough to Stampede normally sane individuals into frothing at the Mouth lunacy. Just a guess Alex but How about a for two Days All we had was a turbidity a which supposedly just Means a Cloudy water but which we All know describes the condition that occurs when Ellen Barkin licks your ear. The most definitive scientific explanation up to that Point was rendered by Arnold Greenberg a water Quality specialist and this is an exact quote As reported in the Washington Post a just because you have crud in the water does no to mean that crud is anyway no one was drinking the water because of what happened in Milwaukee. Jeffrey Dahmer no you idiot. Jeffrey Dahmer ate people. That Wasny to nearly As scary As this. What happened in Milwaukee was that 400,000 residents developed severe diarrhoea is there any other kind from . Isnit that the ultimate fraternity prank a 400,000 toilets Flushing at the same time and so a during Erha watergate a safety was uppermost in everyone a mind. You were not to drink the water unless you were sure it was uncontaminated. One easy Way to find out was to put water in a dish give it to your dog then wait a week. If your dog Hadnot dropped dead you could drink the water a though who a want to drink week old water from the dog s dish to be honest with you i never knew that contaminated water was such a big Deal at least not since the invention of diet Coke which has no sugar and no calories and can to Hurt you and tastes about 2 j0 times better than water which nobody in his right mind would voluntarily drink because As . Fields once said fish have sex in it. Sentence on Guy forget forgot Only the order. That the and writer meant that the tangy product has got Only half the sodium. In a sorry i cited this thing at All. Berry s a a but test would have prevented Mickey Kaus from writing that a i Only interviewed Hillary Rodham Clinton the test might have kept the Washington Post from saying that until this Congress changed the rules territorial representatives in the House a Only voted in legislative the test wont work in some constructions such As Quot the recycling Center Only accepts newspapers Glass aluminium and plastic soda when the Quot Only is properly placed we get a the recycling Center accepts Only newspapers a Etc. ,. Universal pres Syndicate to me a water scare is no big deat. A toilet paper scare is a big Deal. If i heard that toilet paper were contaminated id Rush out of work and buy in bulk. I know the value of first Quality two ply soft toilet paper pal. In be been to Europe where they have Gigantic factories making toilet paper out of Wood gravel and used dental burrs. But everyone else seemed to be panicked by the thought of bad water. The newspapers were full of helpful stories about How to Deal with the water crisis. For example you Are supposed to boil the water for 5-10 minutes to make it Safe to drink. The problem for Many yuppies who do not Cook and simply microwave everything is that they do not know How to boil water. So we have enclosed the recipe t. Ask someone Over 40 to show you where your stove is. 2. Ask him to Light it. 3. Put a pot of water on it and wait until it resembles Perrier. By the Way As the water boils you might consider throwing in Macaroni or potatoes. In the old Days this was called but most people buy bottled water. Bottled water is the most amazing product of All time. As you know it started about 20 years ago when three salesmen were sitting around discussing How stupid the american Public was. One said they re so dumb i can sell them rocks As the second one said a a they re so dumb i can sell them something to spin dry their and the third one said a that s nothing. I can sell them Bot tied tap water and then they All had a Hearty laugh. I saw people loading up Jug upon Jug until their carts overflowed. Filthy orders. Ought to be pecked to Cath by sparrows i saw a newscast where they had one Guy piling two shopping carts full of water into his car and he explained a of need this for the people at the nursing but just behind him n fc�i7w� Effing Jug into a two door Bow and they had this trapped guilty look on their faces that said a we us need this for the Washington Post Page 24 sunday december 19. 1993 \ a
