European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 19, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 28to Cut through the crime wave Dave Barry mar icons Are terrified by crime. Wco re afraid to leave our own Homes. Even the criminals Are afraid to go out. More and More in Urban areas they re being forced to Mug people by fax. A fax me your Money right now or i m going to fax you a picture of a but you cannot escape crime by moving to a Rural area. You will merely be trading one kind of crime robbery and murder for another illegally dumped livestock carcasses. Consider the following news item sent in by Alert Reader James Ross from the March 29 Issue of the Chickasha okla daily express a Grady county a Only daily newspaper. This is the top Story on the front Page. The headline and first paragraph which i swear i am not making up Are As follows rotting pig found in ditch a Verden r responding to a tip from an employee Verden Farmer Bill Mcvey found a rotting pig in a ditch two Miles North of some people have All the Luck. Twenty years in the news business and i never once received a tip con coming the location of a rotting pig. I believe its Only a matter of time before this Oklahoma Story gets turned into a made for to movie starring Burt Reynolds As the Farmer Tony Danza As the employee and tasteless Ness Alert do not read the remainder of this sentence thank you the late Ernest Borgnine As the pig. According to the daily express Story Farmer Mcvey reported the pig to the authorities who were looking into it so to speak. Because you cannot legally just leave a dead pig in a ditch. Even in Oklahoma. You must dispose of your deceased livestock properly. There Are companies that will take care of this for you As referenced in the last paragraph of the daily express Story which states and i am still not making this up a was for proper disposal of Large dead animals Mcvey contracts with used cow that a Correct a used cow if that is not one of the All time great business names then i am the late Ernest Borgnine. I was unable to Contact used cow dealer directly but i did Call the daily express and speak to the author of the rotting pig Story Michael Levin who , after some prodding that if anybody Ever does make a made for to movie out of this he would like to be played by Matthew Modine. He also confirmed that there really is such a company As used cow dealer. A a they la come out and pick up your dead cows a he said. If you or anybody you know works for this company please get in touch with me. I want to find out what techniques Are used by professionals to remove Large dead livestock because i believe these techniques might help me get my 13-year-old son out of bed on school mornings. Contrary to what nuclear scientists will try to Tell you the most powerful Force in the universe is not the one that holds the nucleus of the atom together its the Force that develops Between my son and his bed overnight. By morning he and the bed have bonded into a single biological entity. Sometimes he has to go to school with his bed still attached to his body this has really Hurt his gym Grade. Speaking of Beds i have Here another news item concerning the Rural crime wave sent in by Dawn Kiechle from the april 10 Issue of the Watertown . Daily times a Theresa a state police and Jefferson county sheriffs deputies were called at 8 03 . Saturday to a report of a Man shooting his bed with a Shotgun in his House he then carried his bed out in the Yard and shot it obviously we should not judge this Case until we have heard both sides a the Many a and the Beds. But my initial reaction is to Side with the Man sometimes you have no Choice but to shoot furniture. For Ernest Borgnine As the pig Warner Sros years my family has been stalked by a hideous old mucus coloured armchair that we bought at an auction for 25 cents Long ago when we could not afford human furniture. Each time we moved we d Tell ourselves we were going to get rid of this chair but each time we got to our new House the chair would be there squatting in a Corner chuckling softly. It was a Stephen King chair. Finally on our last move i put the chair out by the curb with a Bunch of other stuff. Scavengers took everything else a including some really pathetic junk such As aerodynamically impaired Frisbee with sectors chewed off by dogs a but they left the chair. As we drove away i could feel it staring at us. We Haven to seen it at our new House yet but i know its out there somewhere watching waiting and i know that some night i May have to exercise my right to defend my Home As clearly stated in the second amendment to the . Constitution a a it Sok to shoot a chair Quot. Because sometimes you have to take a stand. Sometimes in the fight against crime you have to take matters into your own hands. And then in accordance with the Law you have to Call used chair dealer. A Herald sunday june 19, 1994
