European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 3, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Old dad retain Clarence Page i fatherhood is full of surprises big and Small. There is for example the special thrill that comes on ones Way to the bathroom in the dark of the night after your a Bare foot has stepped on a tiny Little a Power sword held aloft by a tiny Little plastic Power Ranger action figure. Or there is the singular amazement one experiences after discovering How Many chocolate Flavoured Cocoa puffs someone a tiny hands have stuffed into the floppy disk drive of your Home computer gut nothing surprises a dad More than me strange out of body experience that comes when you hear yourself saying something from yourself you would never never be so stupid As to say it to your own son after hearing your own father say the very same thing years ago. Then magically you actually have your own child and suddenly hear yourself saying precisely what you always promised yourself you say. Now that future Nobel prize Winner Grady Jonathan Page has turned 5 my How time flies and appears to be intent on stretching the a terrible twos into some sort of record breaking fourth year i have discovered a surprising but enduring truth like Fine wine and decent shoes those stupid things my parents used to Tell me get better with age. For example i fondly recall my fathers most used mantra a you must think i m made of no of course i did no to. I did not think my father was made of Money. A Kambiz base Switzerland i could see As Plain As Daylight that my father was made of flesh blood and scratchy Bills crinkled up and covered with pictures of dead presidents. Still he never stopped saying it unless he was saying something equally stil pid like a you must think Money grows on wrong again. I might have been a bit unsure about Santa and the tooth fairy but i knew Good and Well that Money did no to grow on Trees because i had looked. Vigorously. _ i knew apples grew on Trees. So did pears. _ peaches cherries and Long Skinny Catalpa Beans that we kids imitating adults stuck in our lips like cigarettes. A a a a. A but if Money grew on Trees i knew my Good buddy Grant a a Butch Mitchell who could climb a tree faster than anybody else on the Block would have stripped it All away before any of it could Ripen past Nickels or still now that i am the father of a Young son in the television age i understand Why my father made silly metaphors about Money every Day. It is because i a cede silly requests for it every Day. Shortly after Young Grady mastered the word Quot a no a he picked up the phrase a i want.�?�. It is a mantra that greets every single to Commir Cial for a toy or Cereal regardless of expense durability or nutritional value. Maybe the nuances of decision making come next year. For now every product receives an equal Grade a i want that a. It was sometime around what must have been the 14 Millionth time i heard him say a i want that that i responded with a weary laugh a you must think in a made of it must to be been the dumbest thing he had Ever heard in his Short life. Suddenly i Felt a bit Green papery and crinkled up. But i stood my ground. Fathers must stand their ground even when they know they have said something dumber than a Post. It says so in the fathers secret handbook. With fathers Day having recently swept by. I offer to All the other dads out there a gift More practical than a Necktie. It is a list of stupid things fathers can say when Good sense Isnit enough accompanied by what your child is thinking when you say it discipline a this hurts me More than it hurts maybe. But not in the same spot noise abatement a Stop crying or ill give you something to cry Are you nuts i already have something to cry about otherwise i be crying on the Road a do i have to come Back there and separate you two a yeah right. Just try it and try to drive the car at the same time. I dare you also a Why did no to you go when we stopped at the last Gas station a because i did no to have to go when we stopped at that last Gas station. I have to go now. By the Way Are we there yet making faces a a done to stretch your face or Cross your eyes or your face will freeze and you la always look like Coo Wuhl nutrition a heat your Broccoli. Children in pick your country Are and How is this going to help them tidiness a pick up your toys or Santa Claus wont bring you hey its Only summer. Ill have plenty of time to recoup Brownie Points before thanksgiving and my All time Knock Down Hope to die grand prize Winner a just wait until you have children of your no Way. When in a a Parent ill have everything figured out. A a Chicago Tribuna Quot messages All Over the place Are a sign of the times Andy Rooney i to Sok to put signs on your front Lawn according to a recent supreme court ruling. There Are a thousand things in a against but if someone proposed a Law to make those things illegal id be against the Law. Putting a sign of any kind on your front Lawn strikes me As foolish and intrusive on the neighbourhood in which its erected but i agree in an unenthusiastic sort of Way with the supreme court. The court has probably been waiting to hear How i Felt about it i feel the same about signs in residential neighbor hoods As id feel about someone playing his radio too loud with the windows open. I feel the same As id feel about a dog Barking All Day Long in a neighbors Yard. It May be their Yard but there a no Boundary to noise. To some extent the same thing is True of a sign. Its their Yard but the message on the sign exceeds the property line of the House by As far As anyone can read. _ my preference would be for almost no signs of any kind to be put up anywhere once traffic signs were in place and the name of the town was dearly indicated at its outskirts. You a probably have to make an exception for for , but there ought to be a limit on the size and location of those too. We re All a Little uneasy when three for appear on houses within a Block or two of our own. The supreme court test Case came when a woman named Margaret Gilleo put a sign in front of her House in a wealthy suburb of St. Louis a few years ago protesting the War in the persian Gulf. While i want a lot of signs of that kind on the front lawns of the houses in our neighbourhood 1 agree Margaret Gilleo has the right to do it. The opinion of most people who saw a sign saying something like yanks out of Iraq or Schwarzkopf come Home be changed by the slogan. The reaction most of us have to Lawn signs is a must be some kind of nut living when i see a cardboard sign on a stick hammered into the Lawn at election time 1 always figure the picture on it is that of the resident of the House. If it Isnit its probably his brother in Law. More than anything signs advocating this or that position on a political Issue strike me As ridiculous. No one in All history has Ever been influenced one Way or the other by a sign for or against something. You read the sign and if you agree you like the person who put it up. If you disagree you think he or she is a Jerk driving into a strange City you get a Large part of your impression of it from the commercial billboards along the Way. A major billboard on a Road coming into a big City is expensive to design and put up and renting the billboard can Cost the advertiser $500 a month. One of the most common homemade advertising signs is for a Lawn Sale a Yard Sale or a tag Sale. There a a Telephone pole at the Bottom of the Hill just below our House and there a often a tag Sale sign tacked to that. I have no objection to those signs but there ought to be a limit to the number of Days the signs can be up and when the Sale is Over whoever tacked them up ought to be obliged to come around and take Down every one of them. Tri Pune Media services Andy Rooney is a former stars and stripes reporter a / july 3, 1994 sunday Page 9
