European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 25, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse A Nightie Nightmare guaranteed to Wake you up How to make a horror film the essential rules 1. The innocent must suffer. 2. The innocent must be female. 3. The innocent must be a Good looking female. 4. The innocent must be occasionally Nek kid Good looking female. 5. She Shalt scream. 6. She must have friends who arc female Good looking and occasionally Nek kid who Shalt die horribly grisly deaths before the third reel. 7. Said bimbos must be relentlessly bubbly right up until the moment of death. 8. The killer must be a Zombie ghost psycho or reasonable facsimile thereof. We know this from a single physical trait he breathes through his Mouth. A 9. Every Man in the movie must look like a potential killer slobbering Over aforesaid bimbos. 10. There must be a horrible secret. Exam pies a did you hear what happened in this House 10 years ago a a do you know what they say about old Fletcher Tatum Well the Way i heard it 11. The weather must cooperate with the killer. Examples windows blow out for no reason. The ing until at least three people Are dead. 26. Even after the body is found surviving cast members must continue to a spread a fall right you take the living room. I la Cheek the 27. The electricity Shalt fail. 28. The police officer Shalt be delayed by the storm the Bridge washed out and or traffic. 29. Blood must drip on the innocent Virgin. 30. By the fourth reel site must discover the killers Lair. 31. The killers Lair must be full of pornography newspaper clippings and most important pictures of her. 32. The killer must attack her until everyone else is dead. 33. The killer must attack her directly and slowly so that we can Sec her fearful cringing blood spattered face. 34. Thou Shalt Sec her face change from cringing to angry As she Calls on some deep inner source of strength. 35. The killer Shalt die at least three times. Each death must be More spectacular than the one before. 36. The Only Way to know that the third death is the final one is for the body to be totally destroyed splattered off the roof of a 70-Story building is Good but burned to a Crisp is Best. 37. When the police officer arrives he must say a a in be never seen anything like this. Are you of a 38. The innocent survivor Shalt spit in the cops face. Fortunately we have a master of the horror film working today Arch Stanton creator of what will surely become the Standard for All Hor Joe Bob Briggs creators Syndicate the Best sorority House in school Quot and �?o1 never really told you Guys Why we got the place so cheap Mike Elliot As the leering Token male Orville pc Chuni. As tire grungy Guy in a plaid shirt for saying "1 found Mem a i found Mem All Quot and a if you be needing anything. Ill be watching Jurgen Baum As the cop who says. Quot body parts were scattered All Over the House a and Quot jeez not again Quot Michelle Verrat for objecting to the seance by saying a no one puts a Finger on my diviner Melissa Moore for saying a fall right lets spread out a Well find her Quot and a a in la be right Back a stay Alert a a Bridget Carney for dancing topless for no reason and for saying a we. Did Sec him that afternoon lurking around the neighbourhood a Stacia Zhivago for taking a Long Shower a Bath and getting Nek kid after she a already dead and Stanton a filmmaker for the �?T70s. Four stars. Joe Bob says Check it bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over communism the first drive ins in England Are being constructed in Cardiff Bir Gingham Sunderland Glasgow and Manchester thanks to a Texaco dealer promotion that a cashing in on the drive in movie craze in the United kingdom. Lisa Valentine of new York reminds us that there Are lessons to be Learned from the old country. Dear Joe Bob newspaper clipping . Will ban smog causing Barbecue charcoal lighter fluid. What next Flash Gordon . San Francisco dear Flash one of the few Joys we have left in life is to Light a few newspapers on the charcoal Grill and then Spray the sucker with two quarts of list her fluid straight out of the can until the flames dance 30 feet in the air. How do they expect us to get any flavor in the burgers dear or. Briggs i loved your article of several weeks ago about having pets altered. It was a real Winner the pet destruction problem is a problem we can solve in the foreseeable future a unlike Many other animal exploitation problems. We can solve it by educating people and making them aware of the ramifications of Breeding. Would you consider doing an article on milk fed veal see enclosed brochure very truly yours Maureen Gorman los Angeles dear Maureen i done to believe in killing Sweet Little innocent baby calves or any other potential pet. Unless it tastes Good. A to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob or to got tree junk in the mail and his world famous we Are the weird newsletter write . To 2002, Dallas to 75221, or la him at 214 368 2310 wind blows doors shut. You can see lightning in Interior hallways 12. The Creepy servant can never be the killer. Example a Guy in groggy overalls and an Eye Patch says a Welcome miss Stevens. In be finished chopping in the the Creepy servants Job is to show up every 10 minutes and make you think he did it. 13. The survivor is the one who never says anything for the first 20 minutes of the movie. Instead people talk about her and to her. A ooh Janey done to be such a party proper a 14. The bimbos Shalt take showers. 15. Said bimbos Shalt say a they i know lets order some pizza and Start a fire and smoke some dope a 16. In the second reel the bimbos Shalt enter the basement and say a this stuff gives me the it does no to matter what the stuff is. 17. The phone Shalt never work. 18. The police office Shalt never arrive until its too late. 19. The police officer Shalt say a that Steinberg Case from 10 years ago a something still bugs me about 20. The door Shalt creak. 21. When the door creaks there is never anything scary behind it. 22. There Shalt be a strange sound in the attic. 23. Instead of everyone going to Check out the sound someone must say a no ill go. You stay 24. Thou Shalt rummage through Kitchen drawers for a meat Cleaver. 25. The first body must not be found by the Liv ror in the past the newly released Nightie Nightmare. There May have been better horror films made but not with this Many women in their underwear. By a coincidence Stanton also directed the film i reviewed last week Tower of terror. By a further coincidence eight of the actors appear in both movies including the Star Robyn Harris the worlds Only Valley girl with a British accent. Tower of terror is set in a High Rise where the angry ghost of a mass murderer inhabits the body of a Brunette in a Satin Bustier. Nightie Nightmare on the other hand is set in an abandoned sorority House where the angry ghost of a mass murderer inhabits the body of a blonde in a silk Chemise. I knew there was a difference after 10 years of slumber party massacre movies Stanton has taken them to a new level somewhere Between the knee and the thigh. The Many a a Genius. Sixteen breasts. Ten dead bodies. Multiple stomach stabbing. Strangling. Raw meat eating. Showers. Multiple meat Hook splatter. Bloody doll face. Extended topless bar sequence. Head in toilet plunging. Girls running out into a rainstorm in their nighties for obvious reasons. Flashback footage that looks suspiciously like scenes from slumber party massacre. Ouija fun. Bear trap fun. Fire poker fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Robyn Harris for shivering in a Corner terrified holding a Butcher knife in her hand and saying a i know you re out there a you really Hurt me a please if you be got an ounce of humanity left you be gotta remember a Dana Bentley for saying a a we re Gonna turn this into. Fit its lights out amid these 25, 1991 sunday a
