European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 25, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last laugh with relationship on the ropes its time to tie knot Dave Barryte Miami Herald today in our continuing series on How Guys think we address the painful Issue of Why Guys wont make commitments. The fundamental question is How can a Guy say he so not ready to make a permanent commitment to a woman with whom he is obviously compatible a woman with whom he has been intimate for years a woman who once drove his dog to the veterinarian in her new car when it the dog started regurgitating violently after eating an entire birthday cake including candles that she made from scratch for him the Guy the result being that her car will smell like a stadium restroom for the next five years at the end of which this Guy will probably still say he so not ready and How come the same Guy was somehow capable at age 7, of committing himself to a lifelong passionate win or loss relationship with the Kansas City royals who have never so much As sent him a card 1 bring this Issue up because of a letter i received. From a woman named Suzanne who a in love with a Guy named Gary. Recently after a two year relationship Gary told Suzanne that he Felt a this is classic Guy thinking a they should either break up or get married and naturally being a not ready a he stopped seeing her. So now Suzanne according to her letter is depressed to the Point of a plunging at any chocolate within 20  a Dave a she writes a i done to understand Why some men seem to have More Access to automatic Teller machines than to their own emotions. Gary reads your column so could you please write a piece about the myth of a hearing Bells or Why Guys Hale to give up their Freedom or How some Guys  know a Good wife if she hit him on the head with her diaphragm a Suzanne also asked me to a hide subliminal messages in the column to encourage Gary to make a commitment. As a professional journalist i would never resort to psychological trickery Gary marry Suzanne. But 1 do think we need to explore the commitment problem which has caused Many women to mistakenly conclude that men As a group have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the Case. A Hamster is much More capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman especially if she gives it those Little food pellets. Whereas a Guy in a relationship will consume the pellets of companionship and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust but As soon As he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire Cage of True intimacy hell squirm out scamper across the Kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the a Frig creator of non readiness. This is natural behaviour. Give her a ring Gary Guys arc born with a fundamental genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists As the fear that if you get married some single Guy somewhere will be having More fun than you. Married Guys assume that unmarried Guys Lead lives of constant excitement involving Jacuzzi full of International fashion models whereas in fact for most unmarried Guys the Climax of the typical evening is watching America s most alarming criminals while eating onion dip straight from the Container. This is also True of married Guys but statistically they arc far More Likely to be using a spoon. Single Guys rarely achieve this level of domesticity which is Why they Are unhappy. I base this statement on my Bachelor Friend Randall. At one time he and 1 were bachelors together in an apartment furnished entirely with piles of laundry and a Rabbit who drank Beer. This was a Stini plating period in my life characterized by a great Deal of personal growth and exploration and Ille Gal naked swimming. But eventually i wisely settled Down and got married whereas Randall never did. So i called him to confirm that he is now experiencing a painful void in his life. A Randall a i said a there must be a painful void in your life caused by a Lack of intimacy and  a no there a not a said Randall. Done to listen to him Gary Randall was Only making a Brave Effort to hide his deep rooted anguish. A Randall a i said a there is no need to hide your deep rooted  a what a said Randall. Men have been getting married for millions of year Gary done to break the Chain Randall a pathetic self delusion is typical of non committed Guys. Raymond l. Wombert of Toledo Ohio broke the Chain and the next Day he was hit by a Cement truck we can Only Hope that As men learn to get More in touch with their feelings they will overcome this foolish fear of vulnerability and realize the benefits of meaningful commitment. Suzanne May have already won $10 million in the publishers Clearing House sweepstakes i myself have been married for 2,368 years and can state without hesitation that every single Day has been More exciting and romantic than the one before. My wife reads this column Langer Buenos Aires Argentina Ual a no ,.�?T fizz facts 1. Coca cola a original color was Green 2. Ginger ale a Irish creation As medical potion 3. Pepsi cola a twice went bankrupt 4. Coca cola a once marketed cigars 5. Seven up a first named Lithia Ted Lemon 6. Pepsi cola a named for cure of dyspepsia 7. Seven up a touted As hangover remedy mid 1930s b. Coca cola a inventor sold interest for $238.29 source world features Syndicate toppings served at pizza hut 1. Germany a spinach Ham and onions 2. Hong Kong a Corn beef Corn and peas 3. . A sardines tuna Mackerel Salmon and onions source pizza hut inc. Moser Zurich Switzerland copyright a 1991, cartoonists amp writers Syndicate Page 24 a sunday August 25. 1991