European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 1, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 6 Point. Great game a just done to Block the tube gentlemen Start your season. Dust off the Recliner scrape out the residue from the cooler Check the re Mote control batteries and Stock up on the Nacho twin s. One word nil football. Of one word plus an abbreviation. No matter for it is time for All Good men to become unbearable creatures for a few weeks and perform As few useful functions As possible. Football s Back sound the trumpets we All know that football is a License to be a chauvinistic pig for 16 weeks but when that final whistle is blown in january it s Back to being respectable again. So enjoy it while you can. Men Don t understand Why women hate football so much. Its not football Guys lets face it. Its us. They hate us. Why we scream obscenities on fourth and goal from the 1. We punt Fluffy the cat for a net of 43 Yards. We run around the House like Sylvester Stallone in training when our team scores. They done to understand that if the opposition scores the miserable existences we Call lives will take a tragic turn because we have so Bucks Riding on that game a the same so Bucks we promised to take them to Chi chips with. We berate a those cute underwear commercial Guys Quot for fumbling at the 2. How Dan they cough it up done to they get paid Well enough to hold on to the bleeping Ball Many women obviously have never heard of the fair weathered fan concept. Dan Marinous a Savior for All the worlds evils one week a worthless bum with a girl scouts Arm the next. That a football. Explain this to them. Women hate us because we sit on our duffs All Day drink ungodly quantities of Beer engulf plateful of microwaved nachos and make ourselves As useless As possible for the Day. We work hard done to we Well Only the True football fans sit around doing nothing. Those new wave football fans crowd around theater sized screens eat brie talk of bows Ard shout a a can to we watch something better like thirty something or a they Dieter rented the big  Many women dismiss the entire football experience As a one of those male  football is a rite of passage for every Young Man. Long before boys get the keys to dads car they Are handed a football and expected to know not just How to use it but also How to orchestrate a Flea Flicker or a 93-Yard scoring drive with just under 30 seconds left. All by the age of 4. Before those Nasty a letters to the editor Quot people flood the military postal service with a crucify the pig mail or Burn football jerseys on my front Lawn i should add a disclaimer. There Are women who love football understand it and can cuss with the Best of us. And i do acknowledge that there May be one or two humans posing As a sunday september 1, 1991cover Story men who do not care for the game. There i said it. Perhaps an analogy is in order football Beer and laziness Are to husbands what general Hospital Bonbons and a Telephone Are to wives. Few sports equate with the machismo of football. Baseball tends to be nebulous at times with pitchers pontificating on what to throw on 2 and 1. And Tennis with scores like �?olove-15?�?� yes a Lovely game indeed Aye football is certainly More respectable than the Whf or the american gladiators. Well sometimes. I done to understand Why women cannot comprehend football. The premise is simple enough see Ball. See Man with Ball. See Man get mauled by Bear like human being wearing plastic Armor. Hear knee joint go boing. See player writhe in pain. See Guy driving football helmet buggy out to scrape Man from the turf. See players clap. The aimed forces radio and television service is feeding the football frenzy by Satel Liting four live nil games every week. That a the equivalent of 12 hours of doing As Little As humanly possible. The profound effect of football does no to just end on monday morning either. It spills Over to tuesday. Wednesdays an off Day and thursday Friday and saturday Are taken up with collecting Money from the losers in the office Pool. If wives girlfriends and children could understand Basic rules sundays and Early hours thereafter would be bearable for everyone. A Quick primer for the football widow a if footballs on never stand in front of the to. Men Are capable of throwing things a usually Nacho remnants often bean dip a at dangerously High velocities. A done to attempt to find the meaning of life in around or behind a Man during goal line stands. Field goal tries and Point after attempts we re free to debate whatever you want. As Long As it can be resolved in less than 60 seconds. A keep limbs away. We do bite. A make us love you. Call us sexists but wed realty appreciate that fresh Beer. And while you re at it More bean dip please a if you say something to a Man during a football game and he nods he s not listening even if he swears during the next to timeout he heard everything you said. For the football widows take Solace in that Here Are Only four months of this hell. The season ends dec. 23, and you can close the Book on the regular season. Then life gets serious. One word playoffs. Counterpoint ugh a football starts from scratch Gindy Chambers columnist last month Harvard geneticists were shocked to discover a so called a mutant Gene clinging to the male by chromosome. According to or. Walter Finkelstein head of the $2.5 million study scientists have observed the Gene guzzling Beer and scratching its armpits under the scrutiny of an Electron Microscope. A this aberrant behaviour is nothing compared to what happens when we expose this Gene to a televised football game a explained Finkelstein. A suddenly this mild mannered Gene leaps off its Barca Lounger screaming things like a rip his arms off a and a where a you learn to play football Kmart a at present we re not certain what relevance this study has on actual male behaviour but Good lord its almost Kickoff time i gotta get out of Here a although research was interrupted by football season this weekends a ultimate Macho stud pigskin and bean dip blowouts on an seb and the rest of Europe will simply confirm what females have known about the mutant football Gene for generations. We know for instance that it has been handed Down from father to son since neanderthal time without Benefit of evolution. Consequently when modern Man responds to a bad play with a Grunt and a smack to the forehead he a simply reacting As his primitive forefathers reacted 4 million years ago Only with foreign Beer rather than Domestic. During previous seasons women discovered the answers to countless thought provoking questions. We found out How its possible for men to watch football until 6 in the morning yet still function at work that Day. Their Only Job on monday is to rehash the game anyway we even found out How Man can insist that football does no to increase aggression despite the use of blatantly warlike terms such As a sudden death a Quot Shotgun a a a Blitz and  Tiey Are lying still Many ancient mysteries remain unsolved. For instance How can a typical husband remember the number of extra Points kicked by Jan Stenerud in 1972, yet admit to being a a Little hazy on the kids birthdays How does the single blast of a referees whistle turn a liberated �?T90s helpmate into Archie Bunker and finally Why Are All football commentators named Dick and Jim so this weekend women everywhere will be closely observing you males in the name of science. Do not be alarmed. Sit Back in your Barca Lounger and help yourself to More doritos. If your wife gets out an enormous Electron Microscope however you night want to keep your hands off your armpits. Cindy Chambers is a military family member in Schweinfurt Germany