European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 15, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Cover Story from i he cover also several advertisers expressed concern about the fact that they had paid Good Money to have their products featured in a Magazine alongside such Holiday gift suggestions As a hag of owl vomit. So we thought to ourselves of maybe we got out of line. Maybe we be lost touch with what is acceptable to you our readers. Maybe we be grown a Little weird after years of drinking Coffee that we make in an office pot that nobody Ever actually cleans so that it has become coated with a layer of hardened Black gunk containing so much caffeine that sometimes the pot leaps up All by itself and runs around the room screaming. St this year to avoid offending anybody we asked you our readers to suggest items for the Holiday Gill guide. And we Are glad we did. Because your suggestions proved that our suspicions were True we Are out of touch with your standards of decency. You done to have any standards of decency. Some of your gift ideas in terms of tastefulness made owl vomit look like Waterford Crystal. Anyway Wco re grateful to All of you w to sent in ideas. Our Only complaint is that Many of you suggested gifts that do not actually exist. For example Greg Blarr of Kenmore ., suggested Quot a combination enema and hide a key $9.95 coated $15.95 a a no doubt Many of us have often wished that there were such a product hut unfortunately there is not and so we were forced to omit it from the gift guide. Our policy is to include Only real items that you the Holiday shopper could actually Purchase if you wanted to probably As the result of a brain malfunction. So we swear that All of the following gift items Are real and can actually be purchased. We also Promise that every item has been subjected to our rigorous five step Quality Assurance testing procedure As follows step one we order the item. Step two the item arrives at gift guide Headquarters. Step three we open the Box. Step four we peek inside. Step five we quickly close the Box again especially if the item involves the reproductive system of a cow you think we re kidding right a read on each of the following items passed this procedure with flying colors which is Why we proudly stand behind our Holiday gift guide pledge of customer satisfaction if you order any of these items and for whatever reason you Are not 100 percent satisfied your Best bet is to heave the item into a dumpster. Personally we would t even bother to open the  car $3,000. Contact Ray 305-376-3411. A big mistake that a lot of Consumers make is buying a Nice car. When you have a Nice ear. You re always worrying about Messing it up. You tend to drive defensively a yielding to other motorists stopping at red lights not driving on sidewalks Etc. Yes a Nice ear really cramps a persons driving style which is Why we Are including in the automotive sector of this year s gift guide a one of a kind item rays car. Ray is Ray Bubal who works with us at the Miami Herald. We have Long admired his ear which is a 1974 Toyota Wilh approximately 208,000 Miles on it and the worst Case of the crude that we have Ever seen in a working vehicle. If this car were a human being it would make the elephant Man look like Tom cruise. Because Ray drives his ear to work every Day. We re pretty sure that it does have an engine but its hard to locate. There arc engine related things under the Hood such As a Battery and an air filter. Below these is to smallish Metal object about the size of a food processor. Ray says this is the engine. Quot it has a lot of Pep a he insists. For Security reasons the trunk of rays ear does not open. The Back seat is missing but Ray says he has it stored somewhere at his Home away from the chickens and he will include it in the total package. The space where the Hack seat goes is filled with Oil containers. Quot you have to Pul Oil in it Quot explains Ray adding Quot it does no to Burn Oil. But it does shoot Oil out the  other custom touches that you w ill not find in so called a luxury Quot autos include a wad of paper towels that Ray has jammed into the Large open space around the gearshift lever where the rubber Hoot used to be. Quot that a to keep the Carbon monoxide Down a rav explains. When we asked Ray if he d be willing to Actu ally sell his car via the gift guide he thought Long and hard about the Price and finally decided on s3,000. This May seem a Little Steep for a ear that in terms of styling looks like a giant intestinal blockage but there is actually a very sound reason Why Ray chose this amount he is out of his mind. But let s not quibble about the Price. Think what a Fine gift this would be for the Urban professional on your list who has been Pussy footing around the highways in a car such As a Mercedes or Jaguar or lexus or one of the other uptight High priced Weenie cars that lose $3, pm in value every Lime a Bird Flics Over. Think of the Freedom you would be giving this person if you Cave him raves car. Suddenly he could Park wherever he wanted including underwater. On the Highway he could make hand gestures honk his Horn Cut people off drive backward on the interstate and nobody would dare mess with him because he obviously would have nothing to lose in an Accident. An Accident might actually increase the value of this ear. And he would never have to worry about theft. Anybody who wanted to steal Ray s ear would be far too stupid to operate the door handles. So this Holiday season give the most precious gift of All total automotive irresponsibility. Give the  pet Antlers $13.50 from pedigrees 1989 transit Way Box 905, lock port  14420-0905, phone 716-6371431. Suggested by Ernest r. Irby or. Of Richmond a. And Joyce Wolkomir of Montpelier it. One member of the family that you definitely done to want to forget during the Holiday season is your pet. When you come Home from work after a hard Day your Loyal dog is always there to make you feel Welcome by leaping up on you with insane Joy and knocking you Down and drooling All Over your business clothes. Or if you have a cat it has probably spent the entire Day feeling lonely and expressing its feelings by clawing your Brand new $979 reclining chair into Liny shreds. How can you Reward your Pels for their year round generosity the Best Way we know of is to install these Holiday pet Antlers on their Heads. The Antlers have a sturdy elastic strap and a Little Jingle Bell that goes Jingle Jingle Jingle every time your pet moves its head. Your pet will Page 4 a sunday december 15, 1991