European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 15, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                The Christmas Goat and Economy that froze Over Dave Barry i is that special Holiday Lime of year once again the time when Uncle Dave sometimes has too Many eggnog and tells the heartwarming Story of the Christmas Goat. Blit first Uncle Dave wants to make sure that you have All been Good boys and girls who Are remembering the True meaning of the Holiday season which is to stimulate the Economy. Right now the Economy seems a Tad sluggish As measured by the Index of people living in refrigerator Cartons in arc. But Uncle Dave is confident that things will turn around any Day now because Uncle president Bush a economic advisers have been seeing a number of Bright spots in the Economy. Yes. They go out on the Balcony of the White House economic forecasting building located on Mars and they look around while Sij Sinehing their eyes up really hard and then they shout a i see a Bright spot do you Sec it Norm a a a yes i see it too do you Sec it Bob a a Bob fell off the Balcony a their forecasting procedure involves a lot of eggnog. So the Economy is definitely expected to recover sometime Between mid january and the collapse of civilization. But this will not happen unless you the Ordinary citizen go to the mall of your Choice and demonstrate your True Holiday spirit to the absolute limit of your major credit cards. Uncle Dave recommends that you take along a set of Industrial earplugs because other Wise you May be driven insane by the mall Public address system playing the Little drummer boy. This is a song lasting longer than most dental appointments wherein High voiced women shriek ,rum-pa-Pum-Pum.�?� at one Point years ago Uncle Dave actually kind of liked this song but he was exposed to it just a few thousands times too Many and now when he hears it especially if he is in a department store trying desperately to find a gift for his wife that she wont laugh out loud at and he is going nearly Blind from having complimentary fragrance samples sprayed in his face from close Range it feels As though the giant mutant sadist drummer boy is driving his drumsticks directly into Uncle Dave a Skull with a sledgehammer rum a Pum Pum rum a Pum Pum. Aside from that and the traffic and the Early morning toy commercials on to that cause your child to come Rushing into your bedroom and jump on your head while you Are still sleeping and demand that Santa bring him a vide game system costing the equivalent of two Patriot missiles and the fact that the toys sure a a re costly store is so crowded that you have to Park your car in Brazil a aside from these minor irritations Uncle Dave really loves the Holiday season because it has so Many traditions. And one of the most cherished traditions is the telling of the Story of the Christmas Goat. Uncle Dave heard this Story from Uncle Jeff Macnelly who swears it really happened and we can Trust him because he is a trained professional cartoonist. The Story concerns a family a a Mother father three sons and a Young daughter a who lived in Virginia some years ago. They kept a pet goal out Back and one unusually cold Christmas eve one of the sons went out to feed it Only to discover that after years of service it had been called up to Goat heaven. A the Goat was not Only dead a states Uncle Jeff a but it was Frozen solid in the upright  the boy went in and told his father. The father was eager to keep the Little i irl from seeing the Goat because she was very Tond of it and he did no to want to ruin her Christmas. He could t Bury the Goat because the ground was Rock hard so he and his sons loaded it into the Back of their station Wagon and took it to the local animal shelter. Unfortunately it turned out that the shelter did not accept animals that were in the deceased Mode. So now the hour was getting Laic and the father and sons were getting desperate driving around on Christmas eve with this Goat wondering How they could get rid of it when a this is the kind of Miracle that restores your Faith in the Holiday season a they drove past a Church with a life size outdoor nativity scene featuring life size animals. A Light bulbs went off simultaneously Over All four of their Heads Quot states Uncle Jeff. A the car came to a screeching  moments later the nativity scene had acquired a new touch of realism and the station Wagon now Goat free was heading Home. So it was a merry Christmas after All at least until the thaw came. Now you boys and girls run along to bed so that visions of sugarplum can dance in your Heads. That happened to Uncle Dave once and aspirin was no help at All. The Miami Herald Borer Switzerland a pm of a a. It a  i y t a. A a. Americans windiest cities 1, Cheyenne Wyo. A 12.9 Mph average wind Speed j. Great Falls Mont. A 12.8 Mph Boston a 12.4 Mph 4. Oklahoma City a 12.4 Mph 5. Wichita Kan. A 12.3 Mph 6. Buffalo . A 12 Mph 7. Milwaukee a 11.6 Mph 8. Honolulu a 11.5 Mph Survey of 67 cities. Chicago was ranked 21st. Source comparative climatic data facts about a the Flintstones 1. Almost flagstones or glad stones 2. The new York times called show a linked disaster Quot 3. Nominated for emmy first year 4. Originally plans for Fred jr., not pebbles 5. Quot Yabba Dabba door originally to be Quot Wahoo Quot source the encyclopedia of cartoon superstars Page 24 a sunday december 15, 1991