European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 15, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse In Happy Haze while lock step with aggie corps i done to Ever talk much about my College Days but i went to Texas a amp a for almost one entire semester and majored in veterinary gynaecology. But the main reason i decided to be an aggie was so that i could join the aggie corps the Pride of Texas the uniformed students that Are even More serious about army stuff than regular army Guys Are. To give you some idea when we invaded Iraq last year there were Guys in the aggie corps launching Patriot missiles out of their dorm windows. These Guys Wear medals on their underwear. That a Why i can to just stand idly by while the corps is dragged through the mud with these accusations of How women cadets arc treated like old pieces of dirty laundry just wadded up and slam dunked into a basketball clothes hamper. Listen to me. Please try to understand this everybody in the corps is treated like a disposable diaper. Its not discrimination. Up until .1964, the men had to stand out on the Federal Highway with a toilet bowl on their head singing scottish Folk ballads in gaelic. I was personally offended when a Federal judge struck Down this time honoured corps tradition by calling it a a peculiarly sadistic form of it was not Peculiar. It was genuinely sadistic. Nobody gets the Point anymore. Ill never forget the proud Day i was stripped no kid and lashed to the Underbelly of a wild hog which was released into the big Thicket National wildlife preserve. They found me nine hours later curled up in the fetal position Licking the sap off a Pine tree. Its experiences like that that have made me what i am today. In a Way now that i think about it in a always curled up in the fetal position Licking the sap off a Pine tree. Maybe its not a real Pine tree and maybe in a not really Licking it but in my mind that s what i m doing. Another thing. How do you know whether a Cadet has leadership potential unless he can eat 12 big macs in a Row Chase that with 47 Coronas and walk a straight line with a blacksmiths Anvil strapped to his Skull we have sick people in the Texas a amp a administration today who want to end this practice and replace it with a written test. I d like to know what questions they re Gonna ask. A what would that 37th Corona taste like if you a were drinking it right now a see you can to replace real military experience with Mere theory. Do these women Wanna be regular army or not we already let Mem get by with refusing to Wear the trick britches that aggie corpsmen have always worn to football games so that people think 1,700 Thurston p. Howell lookalikes have All entered the stadium at the same time. We lightened up on the obstacle course regulations so that they no longer have to grease their bodies and slide through a sewer pipe using Only their butt Muscles. I mean How Many exceptions can you make Belore you lose military discipline entirely i ask you. What would have happened to me if the corps had never made me attach surgical clamps to the Fleshy part of my. No never mind about that part. I guess women do that after All. But ill Tell you one got Durn thing. I Felt like a Soldier for All three of the Days i was in the corps. It speaking of Guys that have been kicked in the head one too Many times. Chuck Norris is Back in the Hitman As a drug cop who gets blown away by his partner in the first scene comes Back front the dead on the operating table takes a secret identity spends three years undercover and infiltrates the vicious drug gangs of. Seattle. Seattle what is wrong with Seattle this is the second movie this month where we re supposed to believe in the Sleazy underworld of Seattle. In be been to Seattle. Crime is when somebody forgets to pay for their wine spritzer at the poetry Reading. Anyhow this is about the notorious Seattle mafia drug gangs which arc feuding with the French drug gangs which Are feuding with the iranian drug gangs and somewhere in there Chuck is rooting around with a sawed off shot gun turning All the drug lords against one v another aardvark ing with the mafia Bossy a Girlfriend spitting in an Arab punks food and of course befriending a Small Black child. Chuck is a Little vicious in this one. I liked it. Forty five dead bodies. No breasts. Never Are in a Norris movie three motor vehicle chases. Exploding car. Exploding character actor. Forced sausage eating. Meat grinding. Gratuitous belly dancing. Kung fun. Forklift fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for big Chuck for killing people and then saying a Welcome to my world and for saying a running from your fear is More painful than facing it Al Waxman As the fat mafia Toad for saying a Grogan my Way a a and Aaron Norris Chuck s brother for directing a couple of outstanding stunts. Three stars. Joe Bob says Check it bobs advice to the hopeless Sli Mcball politician Alert the Atco twin drive in in Atco ., has been turned into a new Jersey transit bus terminal. Dan Taylor of Haddonfield reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Dear Joe Bob Glasgow just got its first drive in Mcdonald Sok so you can sneer a but its not that Long Chuck Norris cuts Swath in the Hitman. Joe gob Briggs creators Syndicate since All us scottish menfolk had to Wear skirts. Hoots Moil one Day soon sonic of us May even have cars Here a hoping for a real drive in the g Loam in David Belcher Glasgow Herald Glasgow Scotland dear David i knew i would have to explain this to you Guys. A drive ill restaurant is not a drive in. One serves food. The other serves movies. In a surprised i have to explain this. By the Way in t a Mcdonald Quot a scottish name in the first place Why the Heck did it take you 50 years dear Joe Bob my life is a living hell. I live in Missouri and after buying All your books i Hope you caught that i tried to Hunt Down All the drive ins in Missouri. I found one. It was showing pretty woman which is by far the worst movie i have Ever seen. It s a despicable insult to Good Hooker movies like Andre and Street Walkin. Simon Barrett Columbia to. Dear Simon to show you How bad its gotten the video version of pretty woman came out and on the Box it says its about a a Carefree in Hollywood a Hooker is a Quot Carol acc reality Check please. Dear Joe Bob reference a Geraldo Rivera eats new you Are the incarnation of weirdly co Centric acc Cults that re Able to suck in and spit out Muley Middle american metaphors at a single twitch of Geraldo Quot pulitzer hair club for men Quot Rivera a moustache thanks to you the residents of Monmouth county ., will be spared any further Quot two headed lesbian dwarfs Lake Over red Bank headlines or Rivera watered weekly world news even though the Media s Champion mulch or at this very moment still cruises arund with the local township cops sniffing out a whiff of poverty a decay or the hint of rampant teen age satanism. On behalf of the video vulture the Jersey Jerk off and Bob help i d like to thank you for hitting the cel right on the head thanks to you Joe Bob life in these impoverished suburbs smells weird once again. Chris Barry the video vulture red Bank Dear Chris next time you see Geraldo using his Hairdo for windsurfing in your neighbourhood please let me know. Well Send some faxes about Walrus worshippers in Australia. That la keep him Busy for at least two three weeks. To discuss tha Mamma of life w4h Joe Bob or to gel free Lunk in the mail and the world famous we Are the weird newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs p o. Box 2002. Mias. To 75221 or you can fax Joa Bob at 214 368-2310december 15, 1991 sunday a
