European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 15, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Continued from Page 5 Goose Down order a drink and Wail for an Altarac live woman to strike up a conversation a say that a a big Goose you have there Fella a do it yourself High fashion jeans the problem with most hand crafted gift items is that they look As though somebody crafted them by hand. This is bad because most of us have barely enough manual dexterity to open a child proof aspirin  without a Hammer. And yet every Holiday season magazines such As woman a Day Are full of alleged do it yourself gift projects a you know the ones where you re supposed to make a simulated antique victorian jewelry Box entirely from Oatmeal and discarded Bic pens. These always look terrific in the Magazine but when you make such a gift it looks As though you be simply gift wrapped the contents of your trash compactor. That a Why for this years Holiday do it yourself project we be selected a gift concept that will look right even if a total handicraft Bozo such As yourself makes it. We re talking about High fashion jeans which Are perfect for the person on your list who enjoys being in style and having his or her private parts clearly visible from passing aircraft. No doubt you be noticed that the fashion today is to Wear jeans that appear to have been smeared with hamburger and thrown into a Cage Lull of starving bobcats. Fashionable people arc actually willing to pay More for jeans that have rips and worn spots and big peepholes than they pay for new intact jeans. So what you do is get a pair of cheap jeans in the size of the Lucky recipient then treat those jeans the Way the . Air Force treated Baghdad. Assault the jeans with scissors stones knives whips chains Power tools automatic weapons blow torches acid Kool Aid Etc. Remember the More damage you inflict the More fashionable the jeans become. Do not Stop handcrafting them until they look As though they have fallen into the hands of the . Postal  cow parts $35.55, front Nasco . Box 901, fort Atkinson wis. 53538-0901, phone 800-558-9595. Suggested by James j. Allen Coral Springs Fla. This gift idea can be purchased via the Nasco mail order Catalon which features products that Farmers need to engage in acts of agriculture. We have to admit that when we first saw this particular item our reaction was that it was too offensive even for the Holiday gift guide. To help you understand Why we Felt this Way Here a the Complete Catalon description Quot preserved reproductive tract of cow Ideal for instruction of the manipulative process in artificial insemination and the study of the Gross Anatomy of the female reproductive system. Complete tract including ovaries oviduct uterus Vagina bladder and external Organ. Preserved with a patented odourless nontoxic solution not formaldehyde. Can be kept in a plastic bag and used repeatedly for Long periods of  we have nothing hut the deepest respect for the american cow Farmer but when we read things like this we have to ask ourselves if maybe he Hasni to been struck in the head by a few too Many falling Hay Bales. We were frankly shocked that anybody might actually want to own intimate organs that at one time were part of a real mooing cow Tel alone use them Quot repeatedly for Long periods of  but we decided to order it anyway because we Are great bargain Hunters and you rarely Sec a Complete cow reproductive tract at a Price this Low. When it arrived we realized what a Wise decision we had made because this is easily the most disgusting thing we have Ever seen and Bear in mind we regularly watch Ger Aldo. We have had our cow reproductive tract a nicknamed Bossy a at gift guide Headquarters for More than two months and we have not found a single person who can look directly at it. We can think of a number of practical non agriculture applications for an item like this. Lets say some relatives whom you hate show up unannounced at your House expecting to stay with you a couple of Days. You say a sure a then you Lead them into the guest room and there on the bed is Bossy. A Marge a you shout to your spouse. A a there a another one of those things in the guest room a a darn Quot says Marge. A no sooner do we get rid of one but another one shows up a a a done to worry a you say to the relatives. A a we rarely get More than two or three per night so maybe you wont. What you re leaving already a Bossy would also do a Superb Job of saving your scat in a movie theater. Or if you were taking an air plane trip you could pull Bossy out of your briefcase and guarantee that you a have a whole Row of scats to yourself. You could even change the planets destination. A take us to the Bahamas Captain or ill show you that thing again we could go on and on talking about the Many possible uses for this unique Holiday gift idea but we arc going to be  prank rat $30, b.t.l., . Box 5523, Oxnard Calif. 93031. Suggested by Jean do St. Croix Marathon shores Fla., whose letter states that it was purchased Quot from fast Buck Freddie a in key West in the Back room on the left Between the rack of dirty birthday cards and the display of transparent telephones with florescent  jeans letter adds a i personally have friends who would kill for a Nice gift like  one of the great blessings of living in the space age is that we arc Able to enhance our lifestyles with highly advanced technology. Nowhere is this More evident than in the Field of prank rats. Years ago the typical prank rat was a passive Lump of rubber. You tossed it into the Lap of the victim and the most you could Hope for was a shriek maybe some minor permanent heart damage but nothing More. All that has changed with the introduction of rat in the trap an amazingly lifelike Latex unit that contains not Only a Battery powered motor but also a sonic mechanism which we believe was developed by the National aeronautics and space administration for use in the prank rats that Are carried aboard the space shuttle. When you make a noise such As whistling or clapping your hands the sonic mechanism activates the motor and the rat starts squirming around in an extremely realistic manner with its snout in the trap. You can almost Sec Little Latex motorized plaque carrying fleas scurrying around on that rates Back As it writhes its Way across the floor. In a properly planned prank this rat could induce full cardiac arrest at a minimum. Its the most hideous disgusting revolting performance we have Ever seen by any entity that did not have a Law  Nixon Birdhouse $45, from Richard Nixon Library and Birthplace gift shop 18001 Yorba Linda blvd., Yorba Linda Calif. 92686-9948, phone 714-993-3393. Suggested by Bruce Trigg Albuquerque . Certainly we All agree that one of the greatest presidents that this nation Ever had in the past 20 years was Richard Nixon who served nearly two full terms and in the tradition of leaders such As Washington Jefferson and Lincoln never served a Day in prison. Undoubtedly there Are Many people on your gift list who would like very much to Honor or. Nixon by placing some kind of object on their property but have been unable to find something with exactly the right combination of practicality and Good taste. Well we have just the ticket Here. This Beautiful gift is not Only a working Birdhouse but also an exact replica of the House where Nixon was bom and spent a Happy childhood running around the Yard in Wing tipped shoes. Think of the hours of enjoyment the Lucky recipients of this gift will have watching for example a pair of Blue jays Settle into the Nixon Birdhouse and produce a Bunch of Little babies who would be tended by the Mommy Blue Jay while the daddy flew off to Peck on the Heads of suspected  Soldier bugs $7.95 for 100, from gardens alive . Box Sunman ind. 47041, phone 812-537-8650. Suggested by Gretchen Schmidt Coral Gables Fla. One of the questions people always ask at Holiday gift giving time is a what shall i get for the person on my list who chooses not to use chemical pesticides but is having problems with the mexican bean Beetle the cabbage Looper or the imported cabbage worm a sound familiar Well look no further because that persons face will Light up with Delight when he or she receives your thoughtful gift of a Batch of spine Soldier bugs which you can obtain via mail order. According to the gardens alive Catalon these adorable fun Loving Little critters a a paralyse the victim then suck out the body  a a what Holiday fun plus they Are a real bargain. For just $7.95, you get 100 of these Little buggers. At least that a what the Catalon claims. Its hard to Tell if the claim is True because these Are very tiny insects. They come in two Small containers and at first we did no to see any bugs inside. But then by squinting we detected Little Black dots about the size of flecks of ground Pepper and if we squinted really hard we thought we saw some of the dots moving. We Don t think you la find this Many insects with paralysis capability at this Price anywhere else and we strongly recommend this item for anybody on your gift list who has mexican bean beetles or just needs some kind of companionship and does no to have enough room at Home for a dog. Insect scientists do not know for certain whether spine Soldier bugs have a capacity for loyalty but we be had ours on our desk for several weeks now and we think that maybe they have grown attached to us. They seem to perk up when we enter the room and we think its entirely possible that if a Felon were to attack us they might fight their Way out of their Container and try to suck out his bodily fluids. Or possibly ours. We also think these bugs might be useful for certain restaurant pranks. Quot hey my ground peppers arc moving a the Miami Herald Page 6 a sunday december 15, 1991