European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 15, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse Definitely look upon you with a Joyful Holiday expression that says simply Quot As soon As 1 figure out How to feed myself. I m going to rip your lungs Culp $23.75 from no Era 727 n. 11th St. St. Louis to. 63101, phone 800-325-7073. Suggested by Gretchen Schmidt Coral Gables Fla i hate to Dampen your Holiday mood but crime is on the Rise. Open any newspaper and you la see stories about beatings shootings stabbings muggings kidnappings fraud conspiracy racketeering tax evasion degeneracy and perversion. And that a just in the banking Industry. The situation on our streets is even worse. Recently a spokesperson for the Federal Bureau of investigation which uses a computer to compile monthly crime statistics on a state by state basis announced that during november 1991, the computer was stolen. Clearly we cannot depend on Law enforcement authorities to protect us. This is Why Security is a major concern of Many of the people on your Holiday gift list especially if they live in a High crime District such As the Western hemisphere. And the perfect gift for these people is officer Culp. This is a life size photograph of an actual Model dressed up to look like an armed Security officer. Officer Culp is mounted on a backdrop of sturdy cardboard with a big crease at Waist level so that you can fold him Over for easy transportation. When unfolded officer Culp is astoundingly lifelike. We conducted a scientific Experiment wherein we stood him up next to a real human Miami police officer Don Zabinski and we found that it was virtually impossible to detect any differences Between them other than the fact that one of them officer Culp was clearly made out of cardboard. As a further test we had officer Culp help officer Zabinski direct traffic using the technique of standing behind officer Culp and waving our arms at cars in an authoritative manner. Most motorists made return hand gestures just As though officer Culp were a real policeman. We can think of Many ways in which officer Culp could be used to enhance personal Security. When you Park your car you could stick him under your Windshield wiper to scare off Potin Cial car thieves especially if they arc made out of cardboard. Or if you re walking through a bad neighbourhood you could carry officer Culp with you chatting with him in a loud voice a officer Culp have you lost weight you re looking thin a a. This will protect you from muggers with tiny brains and incredibly bad eyesight. We can personally vouch for the fact that officer Culp gets the Job done. We be had him Quot standing guard Quot at gift guide Headquarters for More than a month and during that time we have not had a single bludgeoning death that could not be attributed to natural sportsmen sashes various prices depending on what you want from canucks sportsman a memorials inc., . Box 3323, Des Moines Iowa 50315, phone 515244-8631, suggested by Dawn Price and Sheila Mauch Des Moines Iowa who sent in a Des Moines Register article about this written by Jim Pollock. This is the ultimate gift concept for the sportsman on your list who is no longer Able to enjoy Hunting or fishing because he has unfortunately kicked the bucket. If you give the sportsman a cremated remains to canucks sportsman a memorials it will for a Price Load the ashes in a Shotgun Shell take the Shell on a Hunting trip and shoot it at a Duck or other game animal of your Choice. We swear we Are not making this up. We called the president of canucks sportsman s memorials Jay w. Knudsen sr., and he told us that in addition to converting sportsmen into ammunition his company also offers a wide variety of other Quot unique and different methods of Ash Knudsen said that one Fisherman still alive wants his ashes placed inside fishing lures which his fun Milf members Quot will then use for the rest of their a we re not sure our idea of a dignified Post life is to have our earthly remains constantly being swallowed and spit out by Bass. Nevertheless we think this is a truly wondrous uniquely american Holiday gift concept and we strongly recommend it. By the Way the canucks sportsman s memorials motto is Quot we can to get you to heaven but we can land you in the Happy Hunting slippers $24,98, from funny Side up 425 stump Road North Wales a. 19434, phone 215-361-5142. Suggested by Dick Hakes storm Lake Iowa. We can Only speculate about How this amazing gift idea became a reality. Probably some top research scientists were sitting around in their Laboratory trying to think up scientific breakthroughs and one of them after accidentally inhaling test tube fumes sat up and said Quot Waita minute what if we combined a pair of slippers with a whoopee Cushion Quot it was a giant step Forward for Mankind every bit As significant As the moment hundreds of thousands of years ago when some primitive Genius carved the first crude wheel out of Stone and attached a whoopee Cushion to it. This is the kind of historic item we re talking about and it would make the perfect gift for that distinguished gentleman or lady on your list who likes to conic Home after a hard Day put on a comfortable pair of slippers and walk around the House making loud flatulence noises with his or her feet. We be tested these babies in the office and they work beautifully. The whoopee Cushion is in the Heel of the right Slipper so when you walk around you step Blatt step Blatt step Blatt. We can to Tell you How relaxing this is. We would t be surprised if members of the . Supreme court use these slippers to unwind in their Chambers. We just Hope they remember to remove them before entering the courtroom a fall Rise Quot step Blatt step Blatt. One size sort of fits fibreglass Goose $479.99, from Herter s. I u e. Burnett St., Beaverdam wis. 53916, phone 81 0-654-3825. Suggested by Bob Garber Washington d c. For a while in preparing this gift guide we were beginning to despair of Ever finding the ultimate gift concept. But the moment we saw this item in the Hertert Shunling and Lishing supplies Catalon we became so exited that we put our head Down on our desk and drooled All Over our Telephone message slips with Holiday Joy. For we knew that at last we had found the Quot piece de resistance French meaning Quot big false Bird Quot. This spectacular item is an imitation Goose that looks exactly like a real Goose in every respect except that its made out of fibreglass and is the size of a forklift. It has a hinge on its Side that permits the top of the Goose to swing open so that a Hunter can get inside. Here s what the Hertert a Catalon says about it Quot a proven effective Way to stay warm dry and enjoy Goose and Duck Hunting Success. Of All Goose Decoy blinds we have tried the giant Goose Blind provides the Best Comfort Maneule ability and visibility. Made of Tough fibreglass and has a partial floor to keep you dry and is big enough for you and your dog. The entire top flips open for easy non rest riled shooting Quot judging from this description and the photographs in the Catalon we gather that the Hunter and his dog Are supposed to Crouch inside the giant Goose hiding and real geese migrating Down from Canada arc supposed to come flying along and look Down and think Quot hey there s a Goose Down there it must be Safe to land Quot the Only problem we have with this scenario is that if we were a real Goose and we looked Down and saw a giant mutant Goose appearing to weigh Well Over 1,000 pounds we go anywhere near it. Wed immediately sound the emergency honk and Migrate the hell on Back to Canada. A so if the giant actually works the Only possible explanation is that geese Are the second stupidest species on Earth. The stupidest species is anybody who would a Jet inside the giant Goose Blind with a dog. We do Feci that this item has Many practical uses that make it the Ideal gift for the person on your Holiday list who wants to conduct discreet surveillance without drawing attention to himself. We had our crack Holiday gift research team yield test the giant Goose by taking it around town and using it in various real life surveillance situations. The team reported that the Goose was highly effective. It Drew virtually no attention other than motorists slamming on their brakes thousands of passersby staring and a constant Stream of people walking up and saying a a Liat the Heck is that Quot the research team also went to the Beach and reported that the giant Goose was an extremely effective device for starting conversations with hot looking babes. A they were just walking up to us Quot stated the team. A they really liked the this makes us think that the giant Goose might be an Ideal gift for the single Man on your list lie could walk into a singles bar casually set his continued on Pace 6 a amps illustrations by Sharon Kisiday Tarrant december 15, 1991 sunday Page 5
