European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 17, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                W r ds&w1t grammar flops of award winning dimensions William Safire on language now for the moment All Madison Avenue has been waiting for. The copywriters Are lined up nervously tittering and editing among themselves. Nominations have been pouring in from irate Consumers. Judges have called in their judgment Calls. We re ready for the coveted 1992 Loopie awards. Never has the Competition for the most egregiously misplaced modifier Loopie been hotter. Among the candidates Lufthansa a in both classes you la find people committed to serving you with an unsurpassed european Standard of  the subject is you and you cannot be in two classes at once. The modifier in both classes is intended to modify people and the line should read a a you la find people in both classes committed to serving you Etc., which would bring the copy up to an american Standard of grammar. Sta free Ultra plus pads for women a so incredibly thin you la barely know its there a i suppose a Ultra plus is intentionally redundant perhaps even a sophisticated play on be plus Ultra of which there is nothing greater. But you is the subject and by misplacing the modifier the pad maker suggests that the Reader is a so incredibly  you can to be too Rich or too thin or too Correct on second thought you can that copy could be amended to include the happily Pudgy by putting an its at the Start making the pad not the person so desirably slim. Kellogg a special k a this diet Isnit just for any  the writer was so entranced with the wordplay on body a a any body Quot get it a that he or she fell off the scale on the placement of just. A this diet Isnit just could suggest that the regimen is unfair As so Many Are the ambiguity May be dispatched with a this diet Isnit for just any  Mazda a writers also have the slipping just. A it just feels rights could be read to imply a but it does no to work rights better change that to a it feels just right a not exactly the same meaning but copywriting Isnit for just any Auto body lands end the direct merchants on their bathing attire a we can fit you in a swimsuit that fits and flatters a right Over the phone a the swimsuit flatters Over the phone i had a swimsuit like that once the minute i put it on it stopped fitting and flattering and fell silent sneering better to swing the end of the sentence to the front where the pronoun to be modified can be found a right Over the phone we can fit you Etc. And Here a a Juicy one from minute maid a help today a . Olympic hopefuls become tomorrows olympic champions by purchasing minute maid Quality  athletes do not become tomorrows champs by purchasing anything swing the end around to the beginning and attach it to a you a by purchasing. You can help Etc. The Winner in this category the envelope please its Honda motor cars with its wildly swerving claim a while pleasing to your Eye the air passing Over and around the body hardly notices  air is not a pleasing to your Eye the cards body should come immediately after the modifying phrase. Thus a while pleasing to your Eye the body is hardly noticed by the air passing Over and around  Attiat formulation would not make a whole lot of sense either but at least the modifier would be attached to the right noun. In a related category misused modifiers first runner up is . Grace amp co a some of our businesses done to fit us any  anymore separated into two words should be used As an adjective As in a i done to want to buy any More  but anymore when used As an adverb modifying a verb like fit should be a single word a a done to fit us  the coveted Loopie however goes to dim Tapp cough elixir for its hacking a works As Good As it  you can say a tastes As Good As it looks a because the adjective Good is used with the linking verbs Faasfe and look but you cannot say a works As Good when works As Well is the meaning. The copywriter made this error consciously of course to play Back off tastes Good but it helps subvert the language of cold sufferers who have enough trouble making themselves understood with a code in the Node. This years parallel Structure Loopie coveted like thy neighbors wife was closely fought Over. The Harvard business school asks a a what a innovative time tested diverse intense global and develops Lufthansa Lufthansa draws lesson on subject of advertising. Leaders a not the English department at Harvard evidently the last item does not lie Flat like the rest. Because the parallel construction leadership developing is awkward an innovative Leader racing around the world might try a separate sentence. But not three sentences. No sentence fragments spirit soap advertises a a it a like three soaps in one. Cleans. Moisturizes. Deodorant  that last item clans. I would change it to keeps you from smelling bad a but that sort of straight talk loses clients. Perhaps a provides deodorant Protection would be More acceptable its at least parallel. The parallel envelope please. The Winner is or. Antonia c. Novello surgeon general of the United states for her widely printed warning a smoking causes lung cancer heart disease emphysema and May complicate  the parallel object a pregnancy complications would adopt the Strong verb cause rather than the tentative May complicate so she should take a deep drag and give her warning another shot. Either make sure that each object has a verb or add and before emphysema to cure the problem. The excess comma Loopie is shared by two airlines competing for the comma customers. Us air a and 2,000 Miles for new members a american airlines a and you will also continue to earn full mileage credit a plus also is redundant. Finally when it comes to this years pronoun Loopie the new York times Magazine dominates the Field. An and for a wedding supplement advises a who to invite from the office whom is right but who whom is not my Strong suit either. Here a the bigger Loopie a regular readers of the new York times Magazine like yourself Are always looking for objects to enhance their  the reflexive pronoun yourself should be used to reflect the same subject As object in a outdoing myself on this. In this Case All you need is you a regular readers like you a purists would demand such As you but not me. They a also insist on not i which is better than not myself but not As Good As not me tha Maui Vrtol Timosa Macaroni version of the Shotgun wedding Tony Kornheiser people often wonder what to give the Happy couple for a wedding present. Id suggest not giving Macaroni salad. I base this on a Story i read last week. Here it is in its entirety a Tampa a two newlyweds had to revise honeymoon plans after she threw Macaroni salad at him during their wedding reception and he responded with gunfire witnesses told police. Laurette Kenny Brunson 38, was hospitalized in stable condition and Raymond Brunson 50, was jailed for attempted murder after shooting his Bride of four hours and fleeing police  the Brief piece ended with the line a friends said they were not sure what happened a to which we might All say amen. My problem with the Story was that it did no to Tell me enough. There were so Many vital questions left unanswered. Such As How Many tattoos does Raymond have How Many of them Are spelled correctly where did these two lovebirds meet hint probably not at a matinee of die Fleder maus what a with the gun not even Sonny Corleone packed heat at his own wedding. How Long did we think the marriage would last under the Best of conditions say if the Macaroni salad had missed what was Raymond thinking when they got to the part a do you Promise to love Honor and obey for better or for worse in sickness and in health a when Raymond said a i do a did he mean i do until the noodles Start flying and then All bets Are off can they reconcile if Laurette promises not to heave any More plates will Raymond Promise to fire a warning shot if any specific hurled foodstuffs disturb him and finally Macaroni Sal Acyl what were they doing serving Macaroni salad a wedding is a special event. People get dressed up they get baby Sitters they buy presents. This can run into Money. The least you can do is serve them us Tull a Vij. Pet Chicken wings. What did they have for dessert a velveeta cheesecake Raymond and Laurette Are already Middle aged. They should be known better than to have Macaroni salad. Honestly when was the last time you went to a wedding and the words a please pass the Macaroni salad weren to followed by gunfire these Are hard times for Macaroni. Last week the agriculture department dumped the picture of Loose Macaroni from its new $855,000 food guide Pyramid the successor to the Basic four food groups As a guide to nutritional eating. The government for reasons unstated is replacing Macaroni with a bowl of Spaghetti. They can to be serious with the recommendations for eating healthy. The Pyramid specifically says to eat Between 6-11 Servings per Day from the bread Cereal Rice and pasta group. And 3-5 Servings of vegetables 2-4 of fruit and 2-3 each from the Dairy group and the meat Chicken and fish group. That a 26 Servings per Day you do what the agriculture department recommends and even without hot fudge you re As big As a steer. You wont have to fret about the Gross National product a you la be the Gross National product. Of course Laurette threw the Macaroni salad at Raymond. She wanted to make sure he got his 11 Servings that Day. Creators Syndicate Page 24 a sunday May 17, 1992