European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 17, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last laugh Custer conspiracy and other big Montana mysteries Dave Barry recently my family and i in an Effort to explore this great nations Western heritage and possibly get eaten by bears visited Montana. Montana is a very Large Western state located near or possibly even North of Canada. Not a lot of people live there. I would estimate that i met two thirds of the population right at the Airport car rental counter. The population is so Small that Montana is about to lose one of its two congressperson. This works out to a 50-percent reduction in congressperson. We can Only Hope that More states decide to take this kind of responsible action. Another Nice thing about Montana is that it has a Low crime rate. We spent some time in the states largest City Billings which is about the size of a Standard shopping mall but with less traffic. The night we arrived the local to news had a segment called crime stoppers in which they re enacted a local crime. The crime depicted in this segment was a get ready a carpet theft. I am not making this up. There was a scene of the re enact ers cutting through a Chain to get at a Roll of carpet then loading it onto a pickup truck and making their getaway. The announcer in a grim voice said the carpeting was valued at Over $3,000. We have crime stopper style shows in Miami too but the crimes Are different. Our announcers Are always saying things like a police found the victims head in this  once you get out of the crime infested Billings area Montana mainly consists of humongous stretches of Beautiful scenery being munched on by cows. Occasionally you come to a Small town usually consisting of a Post office and a bar that is in danger of collapsing from the weight of All the animal Heads on the Walls. For research purposes we went into several of these bars. One of the most striking decor Wise was the new Atlas bar in Columbus which features a giant Wall mounted Herd of deceased animals including a mutant two headed sheep which looks at you with All four eyes As if to say a either i have two Heads or you have had a lot to  patronizing Many Montana bars Are actual cowboys wearing actual Cowboy hats and dirt intensive Westem style clothing that was not manufactured by Ralph Lauren. My guess is that if Ralph were to mosey into some of these bars wearing his designer Western Wear he might Well get his designer self wedged into a Spittoon. In addition to cowboys Montana has actual indians. One of them a member of the Crow tribe named Henry real Bird took us on a tour of Little Bighorn Battlefield the site of Custer a last stand which in some respects was actually More of a last sprint. Henry used to be a Rodeo rider but now he san administrator for Little Bighorn College on the Crow reservation. He a also a poet although he a modest about his literary ability. A i just think in Crow and write it Down in English a he said a and White people think its  on a Cool but sunny Day we sat on a Hill overlooking the Battlefield eating sandwiches and listening to Hank Tell us about the Battle. As he talked he tended to swoop poetically from subject to subject getting animated standing up gesturing telling us not Only what happened to it. Col. George a. Custer but also How to smoke an Indian pipe How the seven Bull buffaloes ended up in the big dipper How the water Bird mixed the mud and the water to make the Crow people How come he has four different brands of tires on his truck Why some stones have holes in them and How he knew a Guy who could cast a spell on your irs return. You had to listen fast to keep up with Hank and sometimes even then you weren to sure what he meant. A when you get older a head say very significantly a you know what a under the table and who has the  wed All nod. Hank said that this summer when the tourists Are there he plans to stage three re enactments of the Battle. A a we re going to let Custer win one a he said. A that should get some  nobody knows for certain exactly what happened to Custer in the end. Hank said that one time in a bar he met a Guy who claimed to have a tape record in of Jesse James granddaughter stating that the International Bankers association hired Jesse James to kill Custer. Are you listening Oliver Stone my own theory is that Custer somehow survived the Battle and is now in charge of strategic planning for the democratic party. As we dropped Hank off at Little Bighorn College i asked him How he Felt about the controversy Over sports teams using nicknames like redskins. A i think it shows a Lack of perspective a he said. A but i have been pushing to change our team nickname from the fighting rams to the fighting White  end of Montana adventure part 1. Next week in part 2 hostile death cows. Tho Miami Herald  a Mil itary life in Europe by Charles Kaufman new . Military in Europe training exercises word has it that reformer is out and a new More relevant training exercise program is about to be announced. L.at>\�5 Rucoly Impo Ouave to. Lamp a Iwa 1 a its a amp Fikany j cola a. To see Hove fast Vic in it p erty Back to. S 7/ 4 set a of Aren t 7�j thu. X tical. It Thi to see fast act 1 yet a 6er Ripe w Row to  s1an9 in 41 Ybert pkwy sacs. Training h Kubr or be Forcet  have a vim it Sia of a. Of Ain Inq ,., Quot coh<5re.s Jet Cut 1ajl Dod 50% have to s of Tell Volt Hopt Quot to goop Fozzo Atiq soot ramp fora a a of forces to Fine los f frat of se4 up Tao i  28 a sunday May 17, 1992