European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 09, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Too bad attacks on Iraq did t Kii Saddam Hussein Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive Ini have a question about the persian Gulf War remember that one Why did t we kill Saddam Hussein has anybody noticed that he s Over the reacting like an insane idiot again killing people left and right disrupting the Region causing As much trouble As he can cause without actually starting the War All Over again and has anybody noticed How much the iraqi people hate him they want the Guy out. We want the Guy out. Sophy did t we just kill him in most of the wars throughout history you keep fighting until the other Side s King is dead. You Ever read these books about the roman army or the by Zantine army where Theodosius or Constantine or Caesar Augustus Limburger cheese or any of pm would make War on Persia they would keep March ing until one of two things happened a they found the King and killed him or b they surrounded the City and caused so Many problems that the people in Side the City would kill their own King. And you know Why the roman High sheriffs did this cause it was the Way to make sure the War would be Over. There might be other Little persian bullies hanging around the Palace but it would take pm years to build up enough Power to Start another War. But what do we do in modern times we have a actual Law that says we can t go assassinate foreign leaders. So what do we do instead we go kill 50,000 inno cent Guys who just happen to be soldiers and we leave the dictator alone. They say this is the humane modern Way to do it. What they really mean is that it would look too Nasty to kill somebody famous. So we kill obscure people. That Way no one knows the names of All those dead bodies. Who s the barbarian Here if you re Gonna make War Why not just kill one Guy and get it Over with believe me our soldiers would appreciate it and their soldiers would appreciate it. And their mothers would especially appreciate it. I m really surprised nobody agrees with me on this one. Speaking of slim balls with acne we be got a great Sci i Kung fun Gruntfest this week called firepower starring the great Joseph Ruskin As a psycho sadist who gets Rich off Gladiator matches while distributing a fake aids vaccine that threatens to make Safe sex obsolete. Ruskin is one of those steely eyed Guy with the pocked face who can just look at you and make the Budweiser curdle in your gut. It s one of those movies set in the year 2006,where everything has gone to hell in a Han Basket and the cops Are trying to keep control of personal Freedom zones which were created As havens for victimless crimes drugs prostitution and lethal combat. But when one of the gladiators played by Jim Hellwig better known As wrestling s ultimate Manior starts cheating and racking up kills like a bullfighter in a pig Sty two cops have to go undercover As professional Kung fun Guinea pigs in the ring of in other words an itty bitty plot and about 37,000 chop Socky matches with nunchuck Long swords Jim Hellwig in his firepower acting debut. Maces staffs Shields scythes and daggers used to pummel puncture slice mince cripple maim and destroy. And if you re wondering. Yes Heads do Roll. Thirty seven dead bodies. Four motor vehicle Chase with seven fireballs five crash and Burns. Exploding helicopter sword through the stomach. Hat Chet in the Back. Arrow through the neck. Head Rolls. Hand Rolls. Fifteen Kung fun scenes. Electrocution fun drive in Academy award nominations for Chad Mcqueen the sensitive cop who never spends time with his wife but gets All choked up when she gets blown away for saying i m going into the zone to get Drexel Gary Daniels As the Long haired Sledge the first Kung fun Star with a British accent and Joseph Ruskin As Drexel for saying Lovely Lisa will be the two and a half stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe Bob s advice to the hopeless Republican Alert the Beacon drive in in Blount Ville tenn., has been ripped Down and to add in sult to injury the slime Ball developers named the Behemoth monstrosity they built there the Beaco apartments. Todd Wyatt of Bristol reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Dear Joe Bob your headline was sadly Correct Florida bans Nek kid Many local storefront video stores folded when blockbuster came on the blockbuster wimped and offered entertainment suitable for Only born again Bible Thumpert in Mississippi. That category provides a new definition of lame. I be Durn near forgotten what women really lookalike. V. " Eddie Hardma Norlando Fla. Dear Eddie they look like us but they re not As balanced. Dear Joe Bob my Friend Darlene of my Hometown Petaluma,Calif., gave me this mind Bender. You know in Star trek which i never liked where they say beam me up Scotty now Darlene i Don t know if it s be cause we Are Here in California or what hers is beat me up thought you d like that. Geoffrey Harri Petaluma Calif. Dear Geoffrey in Texas we have a version of beam me up Scot to too. It s hey can i bum a ride creators Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob or to get tree junk in the mail and the world famous newsletter tha Joe Bob report write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002. Dallas. Texas 75221. Joe Bob s fax line is always open 214 368-2310. A new year s cheer to you Murphy Brown Linda Ellerbee i m very Happy i m not a drinking woman today. I do not miss being drunk. Nevertheless if you re a recovering alcoholic newyear s eve brings up funny when i drank my heroes in these mat ters were the two listed reporters of legend that to Gonna blow the lid off this town Type of journalists who were usually need i say it Guys. Naturally i wanted to do what the real reporters did. You know it worked you go out and get the Story then you sit around the bar drinking and telling each other you went out and got the Story. For years drinking and journalism were All mixed up in my mind but now on new year s eve i like to think about another recovering alcoholic another journalist. I like to think about Murphy Brown. Well hey everybody needs a hero. So what if mine in t a real person she feels real to me. And i like the fact that Murphy Brown is flawed. Along with being a recovering alcoholic the woman is fort something years old and a chronic Workaholic. My kind of girl. What else do i Admire about Murphy Brown the main thing i like about her is she s Good. I Don mean Nice. She s not Nice. She s Good As in you want it done the woman gets it done. Murphy has to be Good. In to news if you re a woman you must be Good at what you do to get away with not being Nice. Too Many Bosses mostly men accuracy compels me to admit want women reporters who will mind them. However women who Are accomplished a minding often Aren t accomplished at much else. Certainly being obedient won t get you very far when you re trying to Chase some senator Down a Hall to ask him something he does t want to be asked much less answer. Good reporters cannot actually hear the word it s a physical defect that comes with the Job or should but then after you Corner the senator you Goback to the newsroom and All the news director or the producer wants you to say to aim is make that yes in other words they do want you to be aggressive but not with them. Now at this Point you have two choices. You can let them make you crazy or you can make the crazy. Murphy has made the right Choice. I like it that Murphy Brown has her priorities when it comes to her Job Murphy s organized when it comes to her life she forgets things mis places them ignores them stuffs them in the closet on purpose. For instance i bet her Rolodex is always More up to Date than her shoes. I think that s just wonderful. One of the worst myths Ever foisted on humans is that if a thing is Worth doing it s Worth doing Well. Some things Are Only Worth doing half Way if at All. Like changing the shelf paper. Or stuffing mushrooms Murphy Bown knows life s to Short to stuff a mushroom. Finally Murphy can t sing Worth spit but whenever lets that Stop her Murphy believes music s too important to be left to musicians. So do i. In fact wish i were the reporter and the woman Murphy Brown is. She s so Good she makes me seem Well Nice sometimes. Besides i like to think that if i were Murphy Brown i d be better at it than she is. Aft Rall i can almost carry a tune. Unless i drink. And so it goes. King features Syndicate january 9. 1994 sunday Page 21
