European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 09, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Paragraphs full of the hackneyed and the unique James j. Kilpatrick the writer s Arthree petitioners Appeal to the court of peeves irks and Crotchet for a ruling on the plural of Teaspoon. They offer the same exhibit in evidence in the form of a column by dear Abby in which dear Abby wrote of the court will observe that the usually infallible Abby in this instance proved fallible indeed. The plural of teaspoonful is teaspoonfuls. If it were otherwise we would have to imagine that in taking cough syrup we use three different Teaspoons. By the same Token we find cupfuls armful and Baske Fuls but the court will recall the Black sheep and its Wool. The ovine crossword Puzzle word mammal produced three bags full not three Bagful. On this general topic the court notes that the proper plural of attorney general is attorneys Gener Al just As the proper plural of sergeant major is sergeants major but the court has been known to be have improperly in this regard. It sounds better to the court s ear to speak of the attorney generals of 32 states rather than the attorneys general of 32 states. Never mind. It s teaspoonfuls. Fred Mcknight of Talladega ala., urges the court to Rule once More on he cites an associated press Story about Trona a Lake bed Mineral that goes into soda Ash. The a spoke last july of the most unique aspect of come now a for shame Tumut unique is one of those absolute words that cannot take modifiers of degree. There is no such condition As rather unique or very if a thing is unique that s it. Bonnie Riggs of Roseburg or also asks for one More ruling on an old Issue. She cites a food columnist s statement that an african Stew is both tasty and strictly speaking and the court always Speaks strictly people Are healthy and foods Are healthful. The distinction has become so blurred in recent years that even the most respectable writ ers use the adjectives interchangeably. Walter Boone of Terrell , is sorely irked by i am into As in i am into a person who is into making soups he suggests should be put liter ally into the pot. Enjoin the idiom the court is in one p its occasional tolerant moods. Injunction denied. To say that she is into gardening perfectly conveys the idea that a woman has developed a new or augmented interest in Rais ing vegetables or Flowers. It suggests More than she has taken up let us preserve colloquial speech. In the name of neatness we should Iron our prose but we Don t have to starch every line. Marian Greaves of Lakeland fla., asks the court to condemn several cliches among them Back to Square one hard act to follow and level playing the motion will be granted. She also moves for an injunction against cobble together but that motion will be denied. To cobble is to put something roughly together from whatever materials one Hap teaspoonful from dear Abby. Pens to have at hand. It s a Fine verb. The court has spent a lifetime covering presidents mayors and governors. They cobble All the time. The court seeks advice on the derivation of Back to Square does it come from Square dancing quilt making clearly the phrase Means to Start Over to begin anew but the phrase is getting worn around the Collar. As for hard act to follow it goes Back to vaudeville and who remembers vaudeville the trouble with such phrases is they re hackneyed. The court will remark that Hackney comes from the Days when old tired horses were put to work pulling Hacks. Thus old tired phrases remain in harness Long past their time. Let them be retired to pasture with that humane recommendation the court adjourns until its next assizes in april. Universal press Syndicate a new year in search of punch lines Tony Kornheiser because it s the new year and everybody ought to Start off the new year with afew laughs i have decided to use this column to Tell jokes i have recently heard even though this could get me drummed out of the Union on the grounds that humor writing is supposed to involve More than just calling your friends up and begging for a Good joke. A Guy has a Blind Date with a woman who lives on the 25th floor of a High Rise. It s a warm summer night., excuse me Tony but in t this a cheap Way to do a column ? Why yes. Yes it is. Anyway he goes to her apartment and knocks on her door. From inside he hears i m in the Bath room getting dressed. I la be right out. Make yourself at Home. Listen my dog s great at playing catch. There s a Ball on the Couch. Why Don t you toss it to him the Guy begins to play catch with the dog who is terrific no matter How fast or hard the Guy throws the Ball the dog catches it. Finally the Guy throws a one bouncer that skips out onto the Balcony. The dog leaps to catch it and Falls 25 stories to his death. The Guy is beside himself. He does t know what to do or say. A few minutes later the woman comes out of the bathroom and they leave the apartment. It in t until they re at dinner that she says what did you think of my dog the Guy says i m no expert but he looked a Little depressed to now that s funny right it s a cheap trick Tony. It s not your joke. No and Averell Harriman s not my dentist either but 1 still get my Teeth cleaned. Of Bob Dole Bill Clinton and Strom Thurmond All die in a Freak bus Accident and they Are together at the Pearly is led into a room that is Bare except for a boy scout playing a violin screeching badly. A huge booming voice says Bob you have sinned. You must spend eternity and the door slams shut. Clinton is led into a room that is Bare except for a Metal sink and an old Leaky water faucet that drips punctually once every 60 seconds. A huge booming voice says Bill you have sinned. You must spend eternity and thedoor slams shut. Well Strom Thurmond has watched this and it has made him very uneasy. Then he is led into what must be his room. It has Plush carpeting and a wet bar and a huge cushy four poster bed. In the Middle of the bed is a naked babe. Strom looks closely and it s not just any babe. It s Kim Basinger and a huge booming voice says Kim you have sinned not bad huh Tony this whole column is beneath you. Nothing is beneath me. Look it s not like i m sub mitting this for a pulitzer. Why not i hear Henny Youngman s judging this year. Of a Guy goes to a doctor and the doctor con ducts a series of tests and it s nothing but bad news. The doctor says i can t believe this. You re in Hor Rible shape. Any number of things you have can kill you. You have syphilis gonorrhoea leprosy psoriasis and contagious genital my god Doc what can you do for me you re going to a Hospital. I m putting you on a strict diet of pancakes and pancakes and flounder the Guy asks. That will cure me no but that s All we can slide under the big finish now Tony. You never know if anybody still Reading. This Guy Dies and his three Best friends a priest a doctor and a lawyer Are there for the Reading of the will. The executor reads As you know i have always Felt that you could take it with you so i have my entire life savings gathered Here $90,000 in Cash. I have put $30,000 in three Enve Lopes and i m asking you my Best friends to throw the envelopes into my coffin As it s being lowered into the ground so i can prove you can take it the friends look at each other hesitantly then each solemnly takes an envelope stuffed with Cash. The next Day they meet at the funeral and As their Friend s coffin is being lowered first the priest then the doctor and finally the lawyer Steps Forward and tosses an envelope Down. After the funeral they repair to a bar and have a few pops toasting their Friend when the priest says i have a Concession to make. I could t see throwing All that Money in the dirt when it could be used to help folks Here on Earth so i Only threw in $20,000.1 kept $10,000, or to feed the the doctor then says i too have a confession. I Only threw in $10,000, and i held Back $20,000, a for medical then the lawyer spoke and he was livid. I a completely shocked " he said that people with your supposedly High morals would do a thing like this. This was your Best Friend and All he asked was that you throw his Money in the ground with him. And you both betrayed him Well i would t betray him. I threw in a Check for the whole Happy new year. The Washington Post Page 24 sunday january. 1994
